tips and advice
jealousy in relationships
It’s likely that you'll feel jealous if the person you like is going out with someone else. You may be thinking, “What does he see in her? Why can’t he be going out with me?” You might experience feelings of dislike for the person your crush is going out with, even if they're perfectly nice. And if your crush starts going out with one of your friends… well, that can be even worse.
General rule of friendship: Don’t ever let a crush come between you and one of your friends. If your crush is going out with one of your friends, try to be happy for them. If it’s too painful to be around them together, don’t put yourself in those situations. Hang out with your friend separately, when she’s not with your crush. I know that depending on who your crush is and where he and your friend hang out, that might be hard to do. But please, whatever you do, don’t try to sabotage the relationship (it will probably end in both your friend and your crush being upset with you), and don’t start being mean to your friend just because she’s going out with the guy you like. Think of how you’d feel if the places were reversed—if you were the one going out with the guy that both of you liked. Wouldn’t you want her to still be your friend, and to be happy for you even though you have what she wants?
I know it can hurt. But is your crush on some guy worth ruining a friendship for?
What if it’s someone who you’re already dating, who you think likes someone else? Well, then you need to talk to him about it. Don’t spend day after day living in suspicion and envy. That’s not good for anyone. Let your boyfriend know that you feel like he’s spending too much time with so-and-so, or whatever the story may be, and see how he reacts to it. It may be that she’s just a good friend of his and that he hasn’t realized his being with her is making you jealous. However, it could also be that he really does like her romantically. If it seems that he actually does like her romantically, and truly is flirting with her, it’s probably time to break up with him. You need to find someone who cherishes you.
General rule of friendship: Don’t ever let a crush come between you and one of your friends. If your crush is going out with one of your friends, try to be happy for them. If it’s too painful to be around them together, don’t put yourself in those situations. Hang out with your friend separately, when she’s not with your crush. I know that depending on who your crush is and where he and your friend hang out, that might be hard to do. But please, whatever you do, don’t try to sabotage the relationship (it will probably end in both your friend and your crush being upset with you), and don’t start being mean to your friend just because she’s going out with the guy you like. Think of how you’d feel if the places were reversed—if you were the one going out with the guy that both of you liked. Wouldn’t you want her to still be your friend, and to be happy for you even though you have what she wants?
I know it can hurt. But is your crush on some guy worth ruining a friendship for?
What if it’s someone who you’re already dating, who you think likes someone else? Well, then you need to talk to him about it. Don’t spend day after day living in suspicion and envy. That’s not good for anyone. Let your boyfriend know that you feel like he’s spending too much time with so-and-so, or whatever the story may be, and see how he reacts to it. It may be that she’s just a good friend of his and that he hasn’t realized his being with her is making you jealous. However, it could also be that he really does like her romantically. If it seems that he actually does like her romantically, and truly is flirting with her, it’s probably time to break up with him. You need to find someone who cherishes you.
actions speak louder than words...
I’m kind of going to take this from Josh Shipp’s book The Teen’s Guide To World Domination (which is a GREAT book, by the way—I highly recommend that you read it!) In his book, he advises teenage girls to pay attention to their boyfriends’ actions, and totally disregard whatever they say about themselves. Makes sense to me. Think about it. A guy may tell you that he loves you and will always put you first, but if he’s constantly flirting with other girls and shoving you aside, is that true? If he tells you you’re the light of his world and he’d rather be nowhere but with you, but spends every date with his eyes glued to his cell phone screen, is that true? If he says he’s a great listener but is constantly interrupting you and never giving you a chance to speak, is that true? Words don’t always tell the truth. Actions do.
...but you still have to talk to each other
Although actions speak louder than words, words are important in a relationship. As in, you need to TALK to your significant other. Becoming boyfriend and girlfriend doesn’t give you a mental link that allows you to read each other’s thoughts and understand each other’s perspectives perfectly. If you’re ticked off about something, your boyfriend or girlfriend may not know what’s bothering you unless you tell them. If you’re feeling hurt or jealous or scared or upset or angry because of something your significant other did, let them know! Maybe they didn’t realize that it bothered you. Maybe they didn’t realize they even did it.Talking about the problems you have in your relationship can help you figure out how to solve them and prevent them from arising again.
And in addition to talking about the negative things, talk about the positive things too. Give compliments. If you had a lot of fun on a date, make sure your significant other knows that! And if being around them makes you happy, well, I’m sure they will be happy to hear that as well!
And in addition to talking about the negative things, talk about the positive things too. Give compliments. If you had a lot of fun on a date, make sure your significant other knows that! And if being around them makes you happy, well, I’m sure they will be happy to hear that as well!
what kind of significant other are you?
So now that you’ve read what characterizes a good versus a bad significant other, think long and hard about which one you are. Are you honest? Faithful? Loyal? Respectful? Do you try to control your significant other? Are you self-centered? Do you give him/her a chance to talk? Do you treat your significant other the way you would want to be treated?
If you demonstrate any of the characteristics on the “Bad Boyfriend/Girlfriend” list, then it is time to change your ways, my friend! Your significant other would be wise to break up with you right now. If they don’t, then just keep in mind that they deserve the best. And you deserve to be the best that you can be. Everyone struggles with something—maybe you have a tendency to become physical when you get angry, or are easily tempted by other boys/girls, or feel the need to control your boyfriend/girlfriend because it makes you feel more secure. Well, those feelings are understandable, but you have to find a way to work around them. See if you can meet with your school psychologist, or talk to a close friend who you know will give you good advice. It’s not too late to turn it all around.
If you demonstrate any of the characteristics on the “Bad Boyfriend/Girlfriend” list, then it is time to change your ways, my friend! Your significant other would be wise to break up with you right now. If they don’t, then just keep in mind that they deserve the best. And you deserve to be the best that you can be. Everyone struggles with something—maybe you have a tendency to become physical when you get angry, or are easily tempted by other boys/girls, or feel the need to control your boyfriend/girlfriend because it makes you feel more secure. Well, those feelings are understandable, but you have to find a way to work around them. See if you can meet with your school psychologist, or talk to a close friend who you know will give you good advice. It’s not too late to turn it all around.
making your relationship work
This is pretty much a re-hash of everything I’ve said in the other "Crushes & Dating" sections. The first step toward making sure your relationship will work is ensuring that you have the characteristics of a “good boyfriend or girlfriend,” as spelled out in that section. Are you honest? Faithful? Respectful, non-controlling, and non-aggressive?
The second step is talking things over. We don’t live in a Disney princess movie. You’re not going to meet your prince and marry him the next day and live happily ever after without any problems at all. Real life doesn’t work that way. Real couples do have problems, no matter how much they love each other. Maybe you don’t like that friend of his. Maybe he gets annoyed by how much time you spend on your phone. Maybe you wish he would stop telling embarrassing stories about you in front of your friends. Maybe he’s upset that you’ve been talking to that guy from photography club. Whatever the issues are, you need to talk them over with each other. Problems don’t get solved by everyone pretending everything is fine. Problems also don’t get solved by people yelling at each other, making accusations, or maintaining a stony silence. If you really want your relationship to work, you have to calmly, rationally, patiently talk over the problems, giving each person a chance to speak and present their side of the story. Then, together, you need to come up with a solution to the problem.
The second step is talking things over. We don’t live in a Disney princess movie. You’re not going to meet your prince and marry him the next day and live happily ever after without any problems at all. Real life doesn’t work that way. Real couples do have problems, no matter how much they love each other. Maybe you don’t like that friend of his. Maybe he gets annoyed by how much time you spend on your phone. Maybe you wish he would stop telling embarrassing stories about you in front of your friends. Maybe he’s upset that you’ve been talking to that guy from photography club. Whatever the issues are, you need to talk them over with each other. Problems don’t get solved by everyone pretending everything is fine. Problems also don’t get solved by people yelling at each other, making accusations, or maintaining a stony silence. If you really want your relationship to work, you have to calmly, rationally, patiently talk over the problems, giving each person a chance to speak and present their side of the story. Then, together, you need to come up with a solution to the problem.
"A true relationship is someone who accepts your past, supports your present, loves you and encourages your future."
- Unknown
