tips and advice
For simplicity reasons, because there's no proper English word that means "he or she", I wrote these tabs with the understanding that most of the people reading them will be girls interested in boys. The advice is applicable to anyone, though, so guys, don't get scared away! Just mentally replace all the boy-focused words with girl-focused words!
general advice
BE YOURSELF. That’s the number-one piece of advice I have to give you regarding crushes. Whether your crush is your best friend, someone you sort of know, or that super cute dude who doesn’t know you exist, the best thing to do is just be YOU! Think about it. If you act like yourself and he likes you—yay!! If you act like yourself and he doesn’t like you, then…do you really want him as your boyfriend? Really? You can find someone better than that.
It can be hard, I know. Because…well, I don’t know about you, but when I have a crush, I REALLY want him to like me! Not always in “that way”…sometimes I just want him to pay attention to me. Sometimes I just want to know that he likes me as a person, or that he’s happy to see me. Regardless, I will admit that I don’t always act around my crushes the same way I act around other people. When I’m around someone I have a crush on, I overthink things waaaaaay too much. My brain goes on overdrive, and I start analyzing everything I’m saying and doing and how it might look to the people around me (particularly to him). Then I don’t end up saying things I want to say, because I think, “That sounds stupid,” or “That would let him know that I love chocolate ice cream, and I know he hates chocolate ice cream, so maybe that would make him not like me as much.”
Here’s the thing. You and your crush are different people. It’s okay if you have different interests. Don’t play along and pretend you like all the exact same things he likes. Think about how disastrous that would be if he ever invited you out on a date! He invites you to a concert to see a band that he thinks you love, and you’re forced to suffer through two hours of the worst music you’ve ever heard. Or he invites you to a restaurant that he assumes you’ll like because you swore that you love all the same foods he loves, and you spend the evening gagging down food you can’t stand. That might put a damper on the relationship.
The best thing is for your crush to know who you are up front. Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. Trust me, you don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t really know you.
It can be hard, I know. Because…well, I don’t know about you, but when I have a crush, I REALLY want him to like me! Not always in “that way”…sometimes I just want him to pay attention to me. Sometimes I just want to know that he likes me as a person, or that he’s happy to see me. Regardless, I will admit that I don’t always act around my crushes the same way I act around other people. When I’m around someone I have a crush on, I overthink things waaaaaay too much. My brain goes on overdrive, and I start analyzing everything I’m saying and doing and how it might look to the people around me (particularly to him). Then I don’t end up saying things I want to say, because I think, “That sounds stupid,” or “That would let him know that I love chocolate ice cream, and I know he hates chocolate ice cream, so maybe that would make him not like me as much.”
Here’s the thing. You and your crush are different people. It’s okay if you have different interests. Don’t play along and pretend you like all the exact same things he likes. Think about how disastrous that would be if he ever invited you out on a date! He invites you to a concert to see a band that he thinks you love, and you’re forced to suffer through two hours of the worst music you’ve ever heard. Or he invites you to a restaurant that he assumes you’ll like because you swore that you love all the same foods he loves, and you spend the evening gagging down food you can’t stand. That might put a damper on the relationship.
The best thing is for your crush to know who you are up front. Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. Trust me, you don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t really know you.
among friends
A crush on a good friend can be sweet, frustrating, or plain old awkward, depending on how your friend feels about you.
If you have a crush on your best friend, and he likes you back, then this just might be the start of a beautiful relationship. Sometimes you can tell when someone likes you. He looks at you differently, or he talks to you in a certain way, or you can just tell. Other times it’s not so obvious. But if you have a crush on a friend who you’re pretty sure likes you back, don’t try to hide your feelings. The worst thing would be for him to conclude you’re not interested and end up falling for someone else.
Of course, sometimes it works out that you have a crush on your best friend, and he doesn’t have one on you. Ouch. I’m not exactly sure what to tell you on this one. On one hand, it is possible that he might fall for you at some point in the future. On the other hand, it’s also possible that he will never feel any romantic attraction to you. This is why it’s a good idea to keep an open mind. Perhaps another guy will come along who you’re even more attracted to. Perhaps you and your best friend aren’t even that great of a romantic match for each other. I know it can be heartbreaking when you realize that the person you like doesn’t like you back in the same way. And of course, it’s even more heartbreaking and awkward when that person is one of your good friends. But if you like a friend who doesn’t like you back, one of the worst things you can do is to be super clingy and annoying about it—constantly trying to get his attention, talking about how much you like him, making comments about how the two of you would make the perfect couple. Those kinds of things will just make him uncomfortable, and less likely to ever become interested in you. It may also ruin your friendship.
Now what if it’s the other way around? Your friend has a crush on you, but you don’t have one on him? Again, it’s another tricky situation. You don’t want to hurt his feelings or break his heart… but you don’t want to make him think you like him if you really don’t, either. Once again, I’d suggest that you keep an open mind. Try to think of him that way. Do you like him at all romantically, even just a little bit? Well, maybe not. And that’s okay. You need to be both honest and kind to him. Don’t lead him into believing that you like him when you really don’t—that’s cruel. If you tell the truth, yes, he’ll probably be hurt. But that’s better than leading him on to believe that you like him and everything’s going to be perfect and… sorry, dude, it wasn’t real.
Two more tips:
1). If your friend likes you, but you like someone else, it’s probably best not to always be talking about your crush to the friend who has a crush on you. That’s kind of like rubbing it in: “You’re never going to get what you want!”
2). If you’re lucky enough to be in the situation where both you and your friend like each other, but you’re afraid of what comes next, take a deep breath. Just like everything else, “what comes next” will depend on the situation. Talk to him about it. Maybe you’re not ready for a boyfriend yet. You and your friend could decide to wait a couple years before actually dating, but agree that when you do start dating, it will be with each other. Maybe you are ready for a boyfriend, but you don’t know exactly what that entails. When do we hold hands? How often do we go out? Are we supposed to kiss each other, and if so, when? All of those things are totally up to you and him. Maybe you want him as your boyfriend but you’re scared of your friendship changing. Well, the good news is, it really doesn’t have to. All the things you used to do together as “just friends”—you can still do all the SAME things as boyfriend and girlfriend! “Boyfriend” and “girlfriend” are relative terms—they don’t have to mean the same thing for every couple.
If you have a crush on your best friend, and he likes you back, then this just might be the start of a beautiful relationship. Sometimes you can tell when someone likes you. He looks at you differently, or he talks to you in a certain way, or you can just tell. Other times it’s not so obvious. But if you have a crush on a friend who you’re pretty sure likes you back, don’t try to hide your feelings. The worst thing would be for him to conclude you’re not interested and end up falling for someone else.
Of course, sometimes it works out that you have a crush on your best friend, and he doesn’t have one on you. Ouch. I’m not exactly sure what to tell you on this one. On one hand, it is possible that he might fall for you at some point in the future. On the other hand, it’s also possible that he will never feel any romantic attraction to you. This is why it’s a good idea to keep an open mind. Perhaps another guy will come along who you’re even more attracted to. Perhaps you and your best friend aren’t even that great of a romantic match for each other. I know it can be heartbreaking when you realize that the person you like doesn’t like you back in the same way. And of course, it’s even more heartbreaking and awkward when that person is one of your good friends. But if you like a friend who doesn’t like you back, one of the worst things you can do is to be super clingy and annoying about it—constantly trying to get his attention, talking about how much you like him, making comments about how the two of you would make the perfect couple. Those kinds of things will just make him uncomfortable, and less likely to ever become interested in you. It may also ruin your friendship.
Now what if it’s the other way around? Your friend has a crush on you, but you don’t have one on him? Again, it’s another tricky situation. You don’t want to hurt his feelings or break his heart… but you don’t want to make him think you like him if you really don’t, either. Once again, I’d suggest that you keep an open mind. Try to think of him that way. Do you like him at all romantically, even just a little bit? Well, maybe not. And that’s okay. You need to be both honest and kind to him. Don’t lead him into believing that you like him when you really don’t—that’s cruel. If you tell the truth, yes, he’ll probably be hurt. But that’s better than leading him on to believe that you like him and everything’s going to be perfect and… sorry, dude, it wasn’t real.
Two more tips:
1). If your friend likes you, but you like someone else, it’s probably best not to always be talking about your crush to the friend who has a crush on you. That’s kind of like rubbing it in: “You’re never going to get what you want!”
2). If you’re lucky enough to be in the situation where both you and your friend like each other, but you’re afraid of what comes next, take a deep breath. Just like everything else, “what comes next” will depend on the situation. Talk to him about it. Maybe you’re not ready for a boyfriend yet. You and your friend could decide to wait a couple years before actually dating, but agree that when you do start dating, it will be with each other. Maybe you are ready for a boyfriend, but you don’t know exactly what that entails. When do we hold hands? How often do we go out? Are we supposed to kiss each other, and if so, when? All of those things are totally up to you and him. Maybe you want him as your boyfriend but you’re scared of your friendship changing. Well, the good news is, it really doesn’t have to. All the things you used to do together as “just friends”—you can still do all the SAME things as boyfriend and girlfriend! “Boyfriend” and “girlfriend” are relative terms—they don’t have to mean the same thing for every couple.
your friend's brother
I think a lot of girls experience this one… you know, you have that one friend with the super-cute older brother, and all you want is for him to notice you as something more than his little sister’s friend.
But even if he does notice you as something more than his little sister’s friend (or his big sister’s friend, or his twin sister’s friend, or, come to think of it, even his brother’s friend), there’s a problem: Your friend. Your friend doesn’t see what you see in her brother, because… well… he’s her brother. Even if she gets along perfectly with him, she still doesn’t see him as possible boyfriend material. Maybe you don’t want your friend to find out that you like her brother. Or maybe she already knows, and doesn’t get it. Or maybe she does understand how you feel, but is worried that if you and her brother start dating, she’ll be left out.
She doesn’t have to be. If you do form some kind of relationship with your friend’s brother, there could certainly be times when the three of you all hang out together. Of course, there can also be times when you hang out just with him, and other times when you hang out just with her, and of course lots of times when it’s just the two siblings without you. Remind your friend of this, and make sure she understands that you still like her, and no one can replace her as your friend. And if she really needs more convincing, you can say teasingly, “Well, just think about it. If I end up marrying him, I’ll be your sister-in-law!”
But even if he does notice you as something more than his little sister’s friend (or his big sister’s friend, or his twin sister’s friend, or, come to think of it, even his brother’s friend), there’s a problem: Your friend. Your friend doesn’t see what you see in her brother, because… well… he’s her brother. Even if she gets along perfectly with him, she still doesn’t see him as possible boyfriend material. Maybe you don’t want your friend to find out that you like her brother. Or maybe she already knows, and doesn’t get it. Or maybe she does understand how you feel, but is worried that if you and her brother start dating, she’ll be left out.
She doesn’t have to be. If you do form some kind of relationship with your friend’s brother, there could certainly be times when the three of you all hang out together. Of course, there can also be times when you hang out just with him, and other times when you hang out just with her, and of course lots of times when it’s just the two siblings without you. Remind your friend of this, and make sure she understands that you still like her, and no one can replace her as your friend. And if she really needs more convincing, you can say teasingly, “Well, just think about it. If I end up marrying him, I’ll be your sister-in-law!”
he doesn't know you
He’s coming your way. You see him, at the other end of the hallway, and your heart rate starts to pick up. Your palms are sweaty and your mouth is dry. OMG, he’s getting so close to me!!!!! He comes nearer… nearer… you try to think of something witty to say, or at least something conversational, but you’re coming up empty. Finally, you squeak out a strangled, “Hi” as your face turns as red as a ripe tomato.
He doesn’t notice. He walks straight on by without even looking at you.
What should you do if you have a crush on a guy who doesn’t even know you exist? How can you get him to notice you?
Well, I’m going to refer you first to my tips for making friends, located under the “Friendship” tab. Getting to know someone who you’re interested in romantically is pretty much the same as getting to know someone you’re interested in being friends with. Strike up a conversation with him. Ask him about his likes and dislikes, what he does in his spare time, his hopes and dreams and goals. But don’t be overbearing. Don’t become a stalker.
Once you get to know him, you’ll have a better idea of whether he actually is someone you’d be interested in dating or hanging out with. If he’s a druggie or a playboy or has morals and values that completely contradict with yours, then you probably shouldn’t pursue the relationship any further, even if he is totally cute. Similarly, if his interests are totally different from yours—he likes to play video games all day long, while you’re more of a nature girl—then maybe he isn’t the best match for you. Time will tell. You don’t know if you’re really interested in a guy until you actually get to know him.
And one more thing: I know I touched upon this in the general “Crushes” section, but it’s really important, so I’ll say it again: BE YOURSELF. Don’t compromise your beliefs or your morals to get a guy to notice you or like you. Don’t pretend to be somebody else, either. If he doesn’t like you for you, he’s not worth it.
He doesn’t notice. He walks straight on by without even looking at you.
What should you do if you have a crush on a guy who doesn’t even know you exist? How can you get him to notice you?
Well, I’m going to refer you first to my tips for making friends, located under the “Friendship” tab. Getting to know someone who you’re interested in romantically is pretty much the same as getting to know someone you’re interested in being friends with. Strike up a conversation with him. Ask him about his likes and dislikes, what he does in his spare time, his hopes and dreams and goals. But don’t be overbearing. Don’t become a stalker.
Once you get to know him, you’ll have a better idea of whether he actually is someone you’d be interested in dating or hanging out with. If he’s a druggie or a playboy or has morals and values that completely contradict with yours, then you probably shouldn’t pursue the relationship any further, even if he is totally cute. Similarly, if his interests are totally different from yours—he likes to play video games all day long, while you’re more of a nature girl—then maybe he isn’t the best match for you. Time will tell. You don’t know if you’re really interested in a guy until you actually get to know him.
And one more thing: I know I touched upon this in the general “Crushes” section, but it’s really important, so I’ll say it again: BE YOURSELF. Don’t compromise your beliefs or your morals to get a guy to notice you or like you. Don’t pretend to be somebody else, either. If he doesn’t like you for you, he’s not worth it.
he doesn't like you
Sometimes you’ll be crazy about a guy who just doesn’t like you back. Most of the time, it’s not your fault. There’s nothing you could have done to make him fall for you, nothing you can do now to make him change his mind. He just doesn’t have those feelings for you. And, just like in the Bonnie Raitt song, “I can’t make you love me if you don’t. I can’t make your heart feel something it won’t.”
Again, don’t compromise your personal values in an attempt to get this guy to like you. And don’t go crazy with new hairstyles and clothes and makeup, either. You’ll end up spending a fortune on all that stuff and it probably won’t make any difference. Sometimes, we just have to face the truth and realize, “He’s just not into me.”
Well, guess what. It’s not the end of the world if your crush doesn’t like you back. Isn’t it still kind of fun to have someone to think about, someone who makes you smile just by existing? Isn’t it fun when you can relive memories of someone saying “hi” to you all day…and be super excited about it? Maybe it’s not the same for everyone. But that’s how it’s always been for me. Just enjoy the feeling for however long it lasts, and when you’re ready to let go, you can move on.
Again, don’t compromise your personal values in an attempt to get this guy to like you. And don’t go crazy with new hairstyles and clothes and makeup, either. You’ll end up spending a fortune on all that stuff and it probably won’t make any difference. Sometimes, we just have to face the truth and realize, “He’s just not into me.”
Well, guess what. It’s not the end of the world if your crush doesn’t like you back. Isn’t it still kind of fun to have someone to think about, someone who makes you smile just by existing? Isn’t it fun when you can relive memories of someone saying “hi” to you all day…and be super excited about it? Maybe it’s not the same for everyone. But that’s how it’s always been for me. Just enjoy the feeling for however long it lasts, and when you’re ready to let go, you can move on.
needing to choose
Have you ever been in the situation where you have a crush on more than one guy? Or more than one guy has a crush on you? That’s another tough boat to be in, especially if you feel like you need to make a choice right away.
Well… you don’t have to make a choice right away. If you’re in middle school right now, I hate to break it to ya, but middle school relationships normally don’t last anyway. It’s perfectly common for a middle-schooler to be totally in love with one classmate one day, and a week later they’re over that person and into someone else. Don’t feel like, “Aaaagh! I have to choose between these two guys RIGHT NOW!!!”
Even in high school and college, it’s not necessary for you to choose right away, if there are two guys who like you and you kind of like both of them back. As time goes on, you’ll be able to tell who is really the right one for you—whether it’s one of those two guys, or even someone else. Don’t rush it. Over time, you will learn the good and bad qualities of both guys, and you’ll also get to compare the way they each treat you. This will help you if you eventually come to the point where you have to make a decision.
***Important: Be honest with everyone in the situation. If you want to go out on dates with both guys, that’s fine, as long as they both know that you’re going out with both of them. “Going out on a date” isn’t the same as “dating”. Once you start “dating” someone, that’s when you have to become exclusive.
Well… you don’t have to make a choice right away. If you’re in middle school right now, I hate to break it to ya, but middle school relationships normally don’t last anyway. It’s perfectly common for a middle-schooler to be totally in love with one classmate one day, and a week later they’re over that person and into someone else. Don’t feel like, “Aaaagh! I have to choose between these two guys RIGHT NOW!!!”
Even in high school and college, it’s not necessary for you to choose right away, if there are two guys who like you and you kind of like both of them back. As time goes on, you’ll be able to tell who is really the right one for you—whether it’s one of those two guys, or even someone else. Don’t rush it. Over time, you will learn the good and bad qualities of both guys, and you’ll also get to compare the way they each treat you. This will help you if you eventually come to the point where you have to make a decision.
***Important: Be honest with everyone in the situation. If you want to go out on dates with both guys, that’s fine, as long as they both know that you’re going out with both of them. “Going out on a date” isn’t the same as “dating”. Once you start “dating” someone, that’s when you have to become exclusive.
when you like someone you shouldn't
Maybe you have a crush on a person who you know you should never, ever go out with. For whatever reason. Maybe it’s your best friend’s boyfriend. Maybe it’s someone who you know will only get you into trouble. Maybe you believe homosexual relationships are wrong, and yet you have a crush on another girl. Whatever your reason for not wanting to feel attracted to someone, it’s both enjoyable and frustrating when you like them anyway.
A crush isn’t something you can control. You don’t get to choose who you like. It just happens. Something about them catches your interest, and then you can’t stop thinking about them. Thinking about them makes you smile. You want to learn everything you can about them. It’s beyond the way you’d think about a friend.
So, if you don’t have a choice about liking them, is there any choice in the matter? Of course there is! You get to choose how you handle your crush. If you’re always talking with the person, trying to hang out with them, following them on social media, etcetera, they will notice you. Maybe they will end up liking you back. Maybe your crush on them will also grow stronger. Those aren’t good things, in your situation.
If you have a crush on someone you know you shouldn’t, don’t put yourself in vulnerable situations. Don’t torture yourself by increasing the temptation even more. Avoid them. I’m not saying that you should be rude or unfriendly toward them. I’m just saying that you shouldn’t be actively seeking them out, always trying to talk to them or hang out with them. Just don’t put yourself in the spotlight like, “Hey! Look at me! You should like me!”
Try not to think about the person all the time either. I know that’s like trying to tell you not to breathe. Don’t stress out about it too much. Don’t let “not thinking about so-and-so” become your new obsession. All that does is create more stress and frustration. If you think about them, you think about them, and it’s just whatever. But try to fill up your mind with other things. Hang out with other people. Read your favorite book. Watch a good movie. Listen to music. Create something. You’ll be okay.
And remember, if the person who you don’t want to have a crush on actually does ask you out on a date, you still have a choice in the matter. You can still choose to say, “No, thank you.”
A crush isn’t something you can control. You don’t get to choose who you like. It just happens. Something about them catches your interest, and then you can’t stop thinking about them. Thinking about them makes you smile. You want to learn everything you can about them. It’s beyond the way you’d think about a friend.
So, if you don’t have a choice about liking them, is there any choice in the matter? Of course there is! You get to choose how you handle your crush. If you’re always talking with the person, trying to hang out with them, following them on social media, etcetera, they will notice you. Maybe they will end up liking you back. Maybe your crush on them will also grow stronger. Those aren’t good things, in your situation.
If you have a crush on someone you know you shouldn’t, don’t put yourself in vulnerable situations. Don’t torture yourself by increasing the temptation even more. Avoid them. I’m not saying that you should be rude or unfriendly toward them. I’m just saying that you shouldn’t be actively seeking them out, always trying to talk to them or hang out with them. Just don’t put yourself in the spotlight like, “Hey! Look at me! You should like me!”
Try not to think about the person all the time either. I know that’s like trying to tell you not to breathe. Don’t stress out about it too much. Don’t let “not thinking about so-and-so” become your new obsession. All that does is create more stress and frustration. If you think about them, you think about them, and it’s just whatever. But try to fill up your mind with other things. Hang out with other people. Read your favorite book. Watch a good movie. Listen to music. Create something. You’ll be okay.
And remember, if the person who you don’t want to have a crush on actually does ask you out on a date, you still have a choice in the matter. You can still choose to say, “No, thank you.”
"Just because I never start the conversation doesn't mean I'm not dying to speak to you."
- Unknown
