tips and advice
when to call it quits
Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to make a relationship work, it just doesn’t. That usually means that you’re not the right people for each other—at least not at this particular time in your lives. Some breakups happen through a mutual decision of “we don’t want to be a couple anymore”; while others end in tearful arguments and screaming fights and then weeks of thinking, “That’s it. My life is over.”
Breaking up is hard. But oftentimes, it’s necessary. A lot of the time it’s obvious when to break up with someone, even if you don’t want to admit it. For example, if your significant other is demonstrating any of the “characteristics of a bad boyfriend/girlfriend” as listed in that section, you need to break up with them. Like, now.
When else should you break up? Well, if there ever comes a point when being around your significant other produces nothing but feelings of anger, frustration, irritation, or any other negative emotion, then it’s time to say goodbye. Being around your significant other should be something you enjoy, not something you dread.
If you have romantic feelings for someone else, and you’ve tried to ignore the feelings but you’re having them anyway, then it’s time to break up with your current boyfriend or girlfriend. Even if you don’t end up going out with the one you like, it’s not fair to your current significant other if you’re physically with him/her but mentally with somebody else.
Breaking up is hard. But oftentimes, it’s necessary. A lot of the time it’s obvious when to break up with someone, even if you don’t want to admit it. For example, if your significant other is demonstrating any of the “characteristics of a bad boyfriend/girlfriend” as listed in that section, you need to break up with them. Like, now.
When else should you break up? Well, if there ever comes a point when being around your significant other produces nothing but feelings of anger, frustration, irritation, or any other negative emotion, then it’s time to say goodbye. Being around your significant other should be something you enjoy, not something you dread.
If you have romantic feelings for someone else, and you’ve tried to ignore the feelings but you’re having them anyway, then it’s time to break up with your current boyfriend or girlfriend. Even if you don’t end up going out with the one you like, it’s not fair to your current significant other if you’re physically with him/her but mentally with somebody else.
how to break up with someone
The most important rule of breaking up: DO IT IN PERSON!!!!!!! Don’t break up over a text message, or an e-mail, or an Instagram post, or by changing your Facebook status to “single.” That’s low. That’s really, really, really low.
You have to break up in person. It’s probably one of the hardest things you’ll ever do, but it’s the right thing. And honestly, I can’t give you advice on what words to use. I mean, you should be respectful, but no matter what you say or how you say it, your ex-significant other is still going to walk away feeling lousy (unless they also wanted to break up).
Your ex-significant other will probably either 1) be okay with it, 2) plead with you to change your mind, 3) be sad, or 4) be angry. If he/she pleads with you to change your mind, but you really feel that a breakup is the best thing, don’t give in. In some cases, you can say “Maybe we can try again later on.” But in others (like if he/she was a “bad boyfriend/girlfriend”), it’s better not to leave that option open.
Your ex may become really sad when you break up with him/her, crying or asking, “What did I do wrong?” Sometimes exes go to extreme lengths to try to reverse the breakup. Exes may threaten to hurt or kill themselves in order to win back your love. Don’t fall prey to their manipulation. Tell an adult that you trust and that you know will do something about the situation—your parents, your ex’s parents, or a guidance counselor at school. Yes, they might mean it. But if that’s the case, they need psychological help, not a significant other whose motive for staying with them is fear.
And then there’s the other kind of breakup. The screaming, yelling, fighting one. The one where harsh words are exchanged and belongings are thrown violently across the room and both people go home feeling like trash. At least in this kind of breakup, both parties are usually honest with each other, and end up knowing exactly how the other one feels and why the breakup happened. If this is the case with your breakup, lie low for a couple days and give your ex some time to calm down. If they resort to non-harmful revenge (such as ostentatiously going out with someone new to make you jealous, or telling everyone who’ll listen that you’re a jerk and an idiot and a @#$% and a %$#@), ignore it and move on with your life. If they resort to harmful revenge (wrecking your belongings, becoming physically violent, going beyond a few hurtful comments and becoming an actual bully), tell a trusted adult.
Chances are, even if you’re the one who actually suggested the breakup, you’ll be at least a little upset about it. Which makes sense, because you’ve devoted all this time to that one special person, and now that special person isn’t special anymore. Maybe he/she isn’t even in your life anymore. It’s normal to feel sad, upset, frustrated, or angry after a breakup, even if you’re the one who initiated it. It’s even normal to want the person back. But for now, just take a deep breath and relax. There were reasons you broke up with that person. Take a few months to clear your head and really think about whether you and that person could make it work. Whether you and that person should make it work. You may end up dating that person again at some point in the future, or that chapter of your life may be over for good, giving way to something better. You’re too close to the situation to be able to tell right now. You need time apart from each other, so both of you can think things through and decide what it is you really want.
But don’t spend the next couple months dwelling on the person you just broke up with. Hang out with your friends. Join a new activity. Spend some time with a family member. Find a hobby. Your life is not over just because you broke up with someone (no matter how special that “someone” was). Live.
You have to break up in person. It’s probably one of the hardest things you’ll ever do, but it’s the right thing. And honestly, I can’t give you advice on what words to use. I mean, you should be respectful, but no matter what you say or how you say it, your ex-significant other is still going to walk away feeling lousy (unless they also wanted to break up).
Your ex-significant other will probably either 1) be okay with it, 2) plead with you to change your mind, 3) be sad, or 4) be angry. If he/she pleads with you to change your mind, but you really feel that a breakup is the best thing, don’t give in. In some cases, you can say “Maybe we can try again later on.” But in others (like if he/she was a “bad boyfriend/girlfriend”), it’s better not to leave that option open.
Your ex may become really sad when you break up with him/her, crying or asking, “What did I do wrong?” Sometimes exes go to extreme lengths to try to reverse the breakup. Exes may threaten to hurt or kill themselves in order to win back your love. Don’t fall prey to their manipulation. Tell an adult that you trust and that you know will do something about the situation—your parents, your ex’s parents, or a guidance counselor at school. Yes, they might mean it. But if that’s the case, they need psychological help, not a significant other whose motive for staying with them is fear.
And then there’s the other kind of breakup. The screaming, yelling, fighting one. The one where harsh words are exchanged and belongings are thrown violently across the room and both people go home feeling like trash. At least in this kind of breakup, both parties are usually honest with each other, and end up knowing exactly how the other one feels and why the breakup happened. If this is the case with your breakup, lie low for a couple days and give your ex some time to calm down. If they resort to non-harmful revenge (such as ostentatiously going out with someone new to make you jealous, or telling everyone who’ll listen that you’re a jerk and an idiot and a @#$% and a %$#@), ignore it and move on with your life. If they resort to harmful revenge (wrecking your belongings, becoming physically violent, going beyond a few hurtful comments and becoming an actual bully), tell a trusted adult.
Chances are, even if you’re the one who actually suggested the breakup, you’ll be at least a little upset about it. Which makes sense, because you’ve devoted all this time to that one special person, and now that special person isn’t special anymore. Maybe he/she isn’t even in your life anymore. It’s normal to feel sad, upset, frustrated, or angry after a breakup, even if you’re the one who initiated it. It’s even normal to want the person back. But for now, just take a deep breath and relax. There were reasons you broke up with that person. Take a few months to clear your head and really think about whether you and that person could make it work. Whether you and that person should make it work. You may end up dating that person again at some point in the future, or that chapter of your life may be over for good, giving way to something better. You’re too close to the situation to be able to tell right now. You need time apart from each other, so both of you can think things through and decide what it is you really want.
But don’t spend the next couple months dwelling on the person you just broke up with. Hang out with your friends. Join a new activity. Spend some time with a family member. Find a hobby. Your life is not over just because you broke up with someone (no matter how special that “someone” was). Live.
when someone breaks up with you
“I’m breaking up with you.”
The words ring in your ears. Did you hear that right? Did he actually say he’s breaking up with you?
For a moment you can’t breathe. Then, suddenly, you…
What? What do you do? Do you scream? Cry? Yell at him? Swear at him? Argue with him? Tell him he’s wrong? Ask him why? Calmly accept what he said and move on?
You might feel a whole stew pot of emotions bubbling up inside you, and you might want to scream and rant and rave at him or punch him until he’s black and blue. But try to calm down. Ask him why he’s breaking up with you. Ask him to be honest about it.
Wait until he’s done talking. Now it’s your chance to talk. If he said anything that you don’t believe is true, challenge him on it. Tell him it’s not true and explain why. Then explain your side of the story. Be completely honest.
It might not work out all pretty like that. In fact, it probably won’t. But it’s worth a try. And even though you might not like what he has to say, don’t you agree that it’s better to know his reason for breaking up with you than to torture yourself wondering?
When someone breaks up with you, IT HURTS! Unless you also wanted to break up, but in most cases, that’s not true. When someone breaks up with you, you walk around feeling sad, guilty, worthless, angry, vengeful, lonely, or maybe all of those emotions at once. You wonder, “What’s wrong with me?” or, “How am I going to survive now?” or, “How can I get him back?” or maybe even, “How can I make his life as miserable as possible?”
Stop right there. You need to take a deep breath and relax. Right now, you’re too close to the situation to think clearly about it. It’s the heat of the moment and you’re just thinking about how you feel right now. You might feel differently in a couple days, and you don’t want to say or do anything that you’ll regret.
Spend a few weeks completely apart from the person who just broke up with you. And don’t spend all your time thinking about them! No matter how much you’re tempted to spend all your time dwelling on how much you miss them, or how much you hate them, or all the nasty things you want to say or do to them, don’t. It won’t help you at all. If you need a way to get those thoughts out, keep a journal. But don’t read back on it very often, and once you’re done writing your thoughts, stop thinking about those things. Focus on other stuff—your friends, your family, your schoolwork, your hobbies, etc. It’s a complete waste of your time to be constantly thinking about how much you want to slap the person who just broke up with you!
Breakups are painful experiences. Even with the mild ones, there’s a sense of loss, because you’ve devoted all this time to that one special person, and now that special person isn’t special anymore. Maybe he/she isn’t even in your life anymore. Depending on the magnitude of your breakup and the exact things that happened during it, you may spend up to a few weeks feeling sad, lonely, and/or angry. That’s normal. But don’t let it consume your life. There are other people in your life besides that person. Hang out with them. Join a new activity. Spend some time with a family member. Find a hobby. Your life is not over just because you broke up with someone (no matter how special that “someone” was).
It feels like the pain will never end. But it will. Trust me. You’ll smile again someday. You’ll learn to laugh again. And maybe someday, when you’re ready, you’ll learn to love again.
The words ring in your ears. Did you hear that right? Did he actually say he’s breaking up with you?
For a moment you can’t breathe. Then, suddenly, you…
What? What do you do? Do you scream? Cry? Yell at him? Swear at him? Argue with him? Tell him he’s wrong? Ask him why? Calmly accept what he said and move on?
You might feel a whole stew pot of emotions bubbling up inside you, and you might want to scream and rant and rave at him or punch him until he’s black and blue. But try to calm down. Ask him why he’s breaking up with you. Ask him to be honest about it.
Wait until he’s done talking. Now it’s your chance to talk. If he said anything that you don’t believe is true, challenge him on it. Tell him it’s not true and explain why. Then explain your side of the story. Be completely honest.
It might not work out all pretty like that. In fact, it probably won’t. But it’s worth a try. And even though you might not like what he has to say, don’t you agree that it’s better to know his reason for breaking up with you than to torture yourself wondering?
When someone breaks up with you, IT HURTS! Unless you also wanted to break up, but in most cases, that’s not true. When someone breaks up with you, you walk around feeling sad, guilty, worthless, angry, vengeful, lonely, or maybe all of those emotions at once. You wonder, “What’s wrong with me?” or, “How am I going to survive now?” or, “How can I get him back?” or maybe even, “How can I make his life as miserable as possible?”
Stop right there. You need to take a deep breath and relax. Right now, you’re too close to the situation to think clearly about it. It’s the heat of the moment and you’re just thinking about how you feel right now. You might feel differently in a couple days, and you don’t want to say or do anything that you’ll regret.
Spend a few weeks completely apart from the person who just broke up with you. And don’t spend all your time thinking about them! No matter how much you’re tempted to spend all your time dwelling on how much you miss them, or how much you hate them, or all the nasty things you want to say or do to them, don’t. It won’t help you at all. If you need a way to get those thoughts out, keep a journal. But don’t read back on it very often, and once you’re done writing your thoughts, stop thinking about those things. Focus on other stuff—your friends, your family, your schoolwork, your hobbies, etc. It’s a complete waste of your time to be constantly thinking about how much you want to slap the person who just broke up with you!
Breakups are painful experiences. Even with the mild ones, there’s a sense of loss, because you’ve devoted all this time to that one special person, and now that special person isn’t special anymore. Maybe he/she isn’t even in your life anymore. Depending on the magnitude of your breakup and the exact things that happened during it, you may spend up to a few weeks feeling sad, lonely, and/or angry. That’s normal. But don’t let it consume your life. There are other people in your life besides that person. Hang out with them. Join a new activity. Spend some time with a family member. Find a hobby. Your life is not over just because you broke up with someone (no matter how special that “someone” was).
It feels like the pain will never end. But it will. Trust me. You’ll smile again someday. You’ll learn to laugh again. And maybe someday, when you’re ready, you’ll learn to love again.
the aftermath
After you break up with someone, things can get awkward. You don’t know how to act around the person anymore. What exactly are you supposed to say to someone who you have a million great memories with, and who you probably won’t ever make any great memories with again?
Some couples, particularly if the breakup is a mutual decision, are able to remain friends with one another immediately following the breakup. Most couples, however, need at least a few weeks or months apart from one another before they can start hanging out again as friends. And, of course, some couples find that they can’t be friends after they break up. Maybe too many hurtful words were exchanged or the two people are sick of each other or one of them realized that they literally didn’t like the other person at all.
A lot of my advice for what to do after a breakup is covered in the “How To Break Up” and “When someone breaks up with you” sections. Basically, the best advice for after a breakup is to move on. Maybe someday you’ll get back together. Maybe you won’t. For now, it doesn’t matter. Don’t spend a lot of time thinking about the breakup or the person you just broke up with. Instead, live your life.
Don’t take revenge. If you’re spending some of your own precious time to think up ways to get revenge on someone, you’re letting that person run your life. You care more about them being unhappy than you do about you being happy. And that’s not a good way to live. No matter what you’re thinking right now, getting revenge won’t actually make you happy. At most, it will give you a sense of temporary satisfaction, stained by feelings of guilt and anger. It won’t bring your ex back to you, and it won’t help you at all. It may just end up getting you into trouble.
If you and your ex are still part of the same larger group of friends, don’t feel like one of you has to be booted out. I’m sure your other friends have enough love to go around to both of you. Of course, if it was a really rough breakup, you probably don’t want to be around your ex at all, even in the larger group. Well, you’ll need to figure out how to handle that one on your own. But don’t let your ex dictate what you do—if you still want to hang out with your friends, hang out with your friends (even when your ex is there)! Don’t let “I must avoid my ex at all costs” become your life philosophy.
Some couples, particularly if the breakup is a mutual decision, are able to remain friends with one another immediately following the breakup. Most couples, however, need at least a few weeks or months apart from one another before they can start hanging out again as friends. And, of course, some couples find that they can’t be friends after they break up. Maybe too many hurtful words were exchanged or the two people are sick of each other or one of them realized that they literally didn’t like the other person at all.
A lot of my advice for what to do after a breakup is covered in the “How To Break Up” and “When someone breaks up with you” sections. Basically, the best advice for after a breakup is to move on. Maybe someday you’ll get back together. Maybe you won’t. For now, it doesn’t matter. Don’t spend a lot of time thinking about the breakup or the person you just broke up with. Instead, live your life.
Don’t take revenge. If you’re spending some of your own precious time to think up ways to get revenge on someone, you’re letting that person run your life. You care more about them being unhappy than you do about you being happy. And that’s not a good way to live. No matter what you’re thinking right now, getting revenge won’t actually make you happy. At most, it will give you a sense of temporary satisfaction, stained by feelings of guilt and anger. It won’t bring your ex back to you, and it won’t help you at all. It may just end up getting you into trouble.
If you and your ex are still part of the same larger group of friends, don’t feel like one of you has to be booted out. I’m sure your other friends have enough love to go around to both of you. Of course, if it was a really rough breakup, you probably don’t want to be around your ex at all, even in the larger group. Well, you’ll need to figure out how to handle that one on your own. But don’t let your ex dictate what you do—if you still want to hang out with your friends, hang out with your friends (even when your ex is there)! Don’t let “I must avoid my ex at all costs” become your life philosophy.
starting over
When you first break up with someone, you might feel like you never want to date anyone else ever again. Either the breakup was too painful, or you’re still in love with the person you just broke up with, or you somehow came off with the twisted sense that there’s something wrong with you and that nobody else will ever like you.
Yeah. If you’re in the midst of any of those feelings right now, you probably won’t start dating again for a while. But eventually, enough time will have passed, and someone new will catch your eye (or get their eye on you), and you’ll be faced with the choice to start over.
When you decide to start over with someone new, it should be for a good reason. Like, you actually like the person who you’re starting over with. Don’t start dating someone to make your ex mad, or to make your ex jealous, or to show everyone that you don’t care about the breakup. That’s so not fair to the new person. If you’re not ready to start dating again, hold off on dating until you’re actually ready.
And when you do start dating someone new, it’s a good idea for them to know a little bit of your dating history before you get too serious. Not every detail, but just “I dated so-and-so for two months, and we broke up because we kept getting into heated arguments whenever we were together.” That’s enough for now. Your new boyfriend or girlfriend should be aware that you used to date someone else, but if you mention your ex too much, your new boyfriend or girlfriend may start to feel second-best.
Whatever you do, don’t compare your new significant other with your ex. Naturally, you’re going to make those kinds of comparisons in your mind, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m saying that you shouldn’t make those kinds of comparisons out loud. Think about it. Would you want your boyfriend to constantly be saying things like, “My old girlfriend wasn’t late as often as you” or “My old girlfriend used to wear her hair that way” or “My old girlfriend liked strawberry milkshakes too.” Even something like, “You’re waaaaay classier than my old girlfriend was,” can make you feel like you’ve entered into some sort of competition with his ex-girlfriend. You’ll spend all your time trying to be better than her, when you should instead just be yourself. And it works the same the other way around.
If it’s been years since a breakup and you still don’t feel ready to start over, but someone asks you out, maybe you should give them a chance. You don’t have to promise them anything. You don’t have to become a couple with that person. But going on one date with someone new could help you figure out whether you really ever could be interested in someone other than the person you broke up with, or not.
Yeah. If you’re in the midst of any of those feelings right now, you probably won’t start dating again for a while. But eventually, enough time will have passed, and someone new will catch your eye (or get their eye on you), and you’ll be faced with the choice to start over.
When you decide to start over with someone new, it should be for a good reason. Like, you actually like the person who you’re starting over with. Don’t start dating someone to make your ex mad, or to make your ex jealous, or to show everyone that you don’t care about the breakup. That’s so not fair to the new person. If you’re not ready to start dating again, hold off on dating until you’re actually ready.
And when you do start dating someone new, it’s a good idea for them to know a little bit of your dating history before you get too serious. Not every detail, but just “I dated so-and-so for two months, and we broke up because we kept getting into heated arguments whenever we were together.” That’s enough for now. Your new boyfriend or girlfriend should be aware that you used to date someone else, but if you mention your ex too much, your new boyfriend or girlfriend may start to feel second-best.
Whatever you do, don’t compare your new significant other with your ex. Naturally, you’re going to make those kinds of comparisons in your mind, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m saying that you shouldn’t make those kinds of comparisons out loud. Think about it. Would you want your boyfriend to constantly be saying things like, “My old girlfriend wasn’t late as often as you” or “My old girlfriend used to wear her hair that way” or “My old girlfriend liked strawberry milkshakes too.” Even something like, “You’re waaaaay classier than my old girlfriend was,” can make you feel like you’ve entered into some sort of competition with his ex-girlfriend. You’ll spend all your time trying to be better than her, when you should instead just be yourself. And it works the same the other way around.
If it’s been years since a breakup and you still don’t feel ready to start over, but someone asks you out, maybe you should give them a chance. You don’t have to promise them anything. You don’t have to become a couple with that person. But going on one date with someone new could help you figure out whether you really ever could be interested in someone other than the person you broke up with, or not.
"I think it's important to realize that you can miss something but not want it back."
- Paulo Coehlo
