poems about the hard side of life
I have separated these poems into two sections. The top section (the lighter gray color) are poems that have a pondering, slightly sad feel to them, but are most likely fine for anyone to read.
The bottom section (darker gray) are serious poems about heavy topics such as depression, abuse, self-harm, violence, isolation, suicidal ideation, and emotional pain. If you are easily triggered by any of these topics, I recommend that you do not read these poems.
The bottom section (darker gray) are serious poems about heavy topics such as depression, abuse, self-harm, violence, isolation, suicidal ideation, and emotional pain. If you are easily triggered by any of these topics, I recommend that you do not read these poems.
I wish I could Protect You
Remember back then, so long ago
When all we ever did was take it slow
When every day was fun and games
And innocence was innocence
Mixed in with threads of common sense
Remember back then, I was your protector
And you'd look to me for help with your problems
And your problems were easy to fix, though they made my heart break
And we didn't have to worry about huge mistakes
And now, things have become different
We're still intertwined and you still look up to me
But at the same time you're growing older, surpassing me
Because this is me and I'm still the same
The same as I was in the day of games
And it's sad to hear of the things that have changed
I guess we all grow up a little every day
And I wish I could still protect you from every little thing
Always keep you young and innocent
But that's not the way life works, so I guess we have to stay
And go with the flow when the flow's how it goes
And try not to get swept away
And I know you won't be young forever and things are bound to change
But I'm still here whenever you need me and I want to be the one who remains
So though I can't protect you from everything
I'll stay until the end
I can't protect you anymore but I'll always be your friend.
(c) 2017
When all we ever did was take it slow
When every day was fun and games
And innocence was innocence
Mixed in with threads of common sense
Remember back then, I was your protector
And you'd look to me for help with your problems
And your problems were easy to fix, though they made my heart break
And we didn't have to worry about huge mistakes
And now, things have become different
We're still intertwined and you still look up to me
But at the same time you're growing older, surpassing me
Because this is me and I'm still the same
The same as I was in the day of games
And it's sad to hear of the things that have changed
I guess we all grow up a little every day
And I wish I could still protect you from every little thing
Always keep you young and innocent
But that's not the way life works, so I guess we have to stay
And go with the flow when the flow's how it goes
And try not to get swept away
And I know you won't be young forever and things are bound to change
But I'm still here whenever you need me and I want to be the one who remains
So though I can't protect you from everything
I'll stay until the end
I can't protect you anymore but I'll always be your friend.
(c) 2017
Hiding
they are hiding
hiding behind their voices
hiding behind their impressive speeches and inflated terms
hiding behind their intimidating swaggers and indomitable actions
hiding behind their supremacy
they are hiding
hiding behind their masks
hiding behind their inscrutable faces and impassible airs
hiding behind their indelible gibes and intentional denigration
hiding behind their words
they are hiding
hiding behind their voices
hiding behind their impressive speeches and inflated terms
hiding behind their intimidating swaggers and indomitable actions
hiding behind their supremacy
they are hiding
hiding behind their masks
hiding behind their inscrutable faces and impassible airs
hiding behind their indelible gibes and intentional denigration
hiding behind their words
they are hiding
Shadows in your mind
You still feel those shadows in your mind
You still have to live with them all the time
And they threaten to break you, try to overtake you
Shame you, disgrace you, erase you
Well, be strong and put up a fierce fight
Face your fears and tell those shadows goodbye
Every day's a new day, throw the darkness away
And choose to live out in the light
(c) 2018
Inspired by the song "Lucid Dreams," in which the actual lyrics are "I still see your shadows in my room" but I thought the lyrics were "I still feel the shadows in my mind" and I thought that was a really cool line. When I found out that wasn't actually what the song said, I decided to use it! I later used it again when I wrote my song "Shadows" .
You still have to live with them all the time
And they threaten to break you, try to overtake you
Shame you, disgrace you, erase you
Well, be strong and put up a fierce fight
Face your fears and tell those shadows goodbye
Every day's a new day, throw the darkness away
And choose to live out in the light
(c) 2018
Inspired by the song "Lucid Dreams," in which the actual lyrics are "I still see your shadows in my room" but I thought the lyrics were "I still feel the shadows in my mind" and I thought that was a really cool line. When I found out that wasn't actually what the song said, I decided to use it! I later used it again when I wrote my song "Shadows" .
Wounded
If you don't like me, please just tell me
It would hurt less than sitting in silence wondering what went wrong
Maybe you just don't think I can handle anything
But I'd rather try and fail than never have the chance
Personality conflicts happen
Why should I want someone who doesn't want me?
But I just want to know where I went wrong
Because you seemed fine with it at first
For the first time in a long time I was feeling the excitement
I thought it would be great to have a challenge
I know you don't know me and you sure have me wrong
But I still can't help wondering if it was my fault
So now I can't walk past you without thinking about what I've lost
And now every time you see me you'll see the question in my eyes
Wondering how I messed up, and why you no longer like me
And the biggest, painful, open wound of "why?"
(c) 2012
It would hurt less than sitting in silence wondering what went wrong
Maybe you just don't think I can handle anything
But I'd rather try and fail than never have the chance
Personality conflicts happen
Why should I want someone who doesn't want me?
But I just want to know where I went wrong
Because you seemed fine with it at first
For the first time in a long time I was feeling the excitement
I thought it would be great to have a challenge
I know you don't know me and you sure have me wrong
But I still can't help wondering if it was my fault
So now I can't walk past you without thinking about what I've lost
And now every time you see me you'll see the question in my eyes
Wondering how I messed up, and why you no longer like me
And the biggest, painful, open wound of "why?"
(c) 2012
The Girl Behind The Curtain
Pay no attention to the girl behind the curtain
She's only insecure, anxious and uncertain
She hides the way she really feels by giggling and flirtin'
Hoping no one pays attention to the girl behind the curtain
Pay no attention to the way she plays along
To cover how she doesn't really know what's going on
Looking to the others to make sure she gets it right
Wishing interacting wasn't always such a fight
Pay no attention to her slowness on the uptake
When someone says something and her reaction seems to be fake
'Cause she kind of doesn't get it, but she wants to fit in with the crowd
She hopes no one will notice if her laughter's kind of overloud
Pay no attention to her overwrought anxiety
She wants so much to be a part of this society
But she doesn't really know what's right or how she is perceived
It's hard for her to make real friends when she doesn't know who to be
Pay no attention to the fact that I'm this girl
I try to hide my nervousness when I go into the world
I know I'm different than my friends but I try to hide it all
I'm scared that if you look too close, my pretenses will fall
So pay no attention to the girl behind the curtain
She's only insecure, anxious and uncertain
She hides the way she really feels by giggling and flirtin'
Hoping no one pays attention to the girl behind the curtain
(c) 2013 or 2014
I wrote this for a scholarship in which I had to write a poem with the theme "Behind the Curtain".
She's only insecure, anxious and uncertain
She hides the way she really feels by giggling and flirtin'
Hoping no one pays attention to the girl behind the curtain
Pay no attention to the way she plays along
To cover how she doesn't really know what's going on
Looking to the others to make sure she gets it right
Wishing interacting wasn't always such a fight
Pay no attention to her slowness on the uptake
When someone says something and her reaction seems to be fake
'Cause she kind of doesn't get it, but she wants to fit in with the crowd
She hopes no one will notice if her laughter's kind of overloud
Pay no attention to her overwrought anxiety
She wants so much to be a part of this society
But she doesn't really know what's right or how she is perceived
It's hard for her to make real friends when she doesn't know who to be
Pay no attention to the fact that I'm this girl
I try to hide my nervousness when I go into the world
I know I'm different than my friends but I try to hide it all
I'm scared that if you look too close, my pretenses will fall
So pay no attention to the girl behind the curtain
She's only insecure, anxious and uncertain
She hides the way she really feels by giggling and flirtin'
Hoping no one pays attention to the girl behind the curtain
(c) 2013 or 2014
I wrote this for a scholarship in which I had to write a poem with the theme "Behind the Curtain".
Why
Why
Why can’t we ask questions
Without worrying about offending?
Why can’t we be ourselves
Without worrying about perceptions?
Why can’t we talk to people
Without worrying about presumptions?
Why
Why
Why
Can’t we just be?
Why can’t we ask questions
Without worrying about offending?
Why can’t we be ourselves
Without worrying about perceptions?
Why can’t we talk to people
Without worrying about presumptions?
Why
Why
Why
Can’t we just be?
Just Like You
You expect me to know it all
You think I can never fall
If only you could see what lies behind the veil of age
Just because I'm older doesn't mean I know it better
Just cause I did it once doesn't mean I'll remember how forever
Look beyond the vision of my face
Now you see me, now you don't
Now I know it, then I won't
Impassive eyes are a mask to my insecurity
Don't expect infallibility
Because soon you will know and soon you will see
That what was once gold
Is now dirt
And what was once the treasure of the earth
Now lays in ruins at your feet
And the veil is lifted, and the fog is gone
And you can see me for my truth
In reality, I am just like you
I am just like you
(c) 2013, I think?
I know I wrote this about something that actually happened in my life but I forget what it was.
You think I can never fall
If only you could see what lies behind the veil of age
Just because I'm older doesn't mean I know it better
Just cause I did it once doesn't mean I'll remember how forever
Look beyond the vision of my face
Now you see me, now you don't
Now I know it, then I won't
Impassive eyes are a mask to my insecurity
Don't expect infallibility
Because soon you will know and soon you will see
That what was once gold
Is now dirt
And what was once the treasure of the earth
Now lays in ruins at your feet
And the veil is lifted, and the fog is gone
And you can see me for my truth
In reality, I am just like you
I am just like you
(c) 2013, I think?
I know I wrote this about something that actually happened in my life but I forget what it was.
What Turns People Crazy?
What turns people crazy?
Is it the consistent friction, the rubbing of two equal forces against each other?
Is it the life in which they’ve been brought up, the differences and separations across boundaries of models and knitting?
It’s hard to be so much the same and so much to blame
For what you don’t see as digression
Messed-up perceptions, a shattered mirror
Fogged-up pane of window obscures the true meaning inside
It’s a difficult undertaking when you try to see both sides
Put yourself in both sets of moccasins
If you don’t try hard enough failure is imminent
As it is to so many
Those who try to see, but don’t really try
Who say they’re sad but don’t really cry
They take two steps and say they’ve climbed the mountain
Too tired or lazy to get to the top
And where does it stop?
Muscles pull and tear and heal stronger than before
But threads of a sweater only rip so much before they are beyond repair
Obstinacy will only get you so far
Try giving in for once
Success may come
Eventually.
(c) 2011
Is it the consistent friction, the rubbing of two equal forces against each other?
Is it the life in which they’ve been brought up, the differences and separations across boundaries of models and knitting?
It’s hard to be so much the same and so much to blame
For what you don’t see as digression
Messed-up perceptions, a shattered mirror
Fogged-up pane of window obscures the true meaning inside
It’s a difficult undertaking when you try to see both sides
Put yourself in both sets of moccasins
If you don’t try hard enough failure is imminent
As it is to so many
Those who try to see, but don’t really try
Who say they’re sad but don’t really cry
They take two steps and say they’ve climbed the mountain
Too tired or lazy to get to the top
And where does it stop?
Muscles pull and tear and heal stronger than before
But threads of a sweater only rip so much before they are beyond repair
Obstinacy will only get you so far
Try giving in for once
Success may come
Eventually.
(c) 2011
DeAr God
Dear God, I'm trying
I'm just this little person here on earth
I keep making mistakes
I do my best but reality really hurts
Dear God, I need You
When nothing ever happens how I want
Help me remember
Your plan is perfect and You'll lead me to the right spot
Dear God, I'm crying
Why does everything have to be so hard?
I can't seem to let go
Of the way I have things laid out in my heart
Dear God, You're with me
You'll bring me where I really need to go
Help me remember
You're the only one who's fully in the know
I'm just this little person here on earth
I keep making mistakes
I do my best but reality really hurts
Dear God, I need You
When nothing ever happens how I want
Help me remember
Your plan is perfect and You'll lead me to the right spot
Dear God, I'm crying
Why does everything have to be so hard?
I can't seem to let go
Of the way I have things laid out in my heart
Dear God, You're with me
You'll bring me where I really need to go
Help me remember
You're the only one who's fully in the know
Scarred
Best I remember, it was Fourth of July
She was laughing as she slid down the waterslide
Jumping in, doing flips, making friends on the fly
I never would’ve guessed she held a secret inside
Then she held up her arm, and I noticed her scars
And my world tilted slowly as she said, “Life is hard
But I deal with the pain in the easiest way
Yeah, I know it’s not good but it helps day by day.”
I glance at her once and all that I see
Is an innocent girl at the age of thirteen
I never would’ve known about the pain in her heart
The abuse and the memories that tear her apart
But we talked late that night, in the mottled pool light
And we watched as the fireworks lit up the sky
And she said, “Do you see? They’re a sign that we’re free
And I know that I’m not, but I wish I could be.”
Her story stayed with me, her scars all too real
Marking her fight to control what she feels
And my eyes have been opened; any person I meet
May be mentally drowning in waters too deep
Best I remember, it was Fourth of July
She smiled through her tears with her face to the sky
Desperate to be seen, to be heard, to be hugged
Her greatest desire was just to be loved
(c) 2013
inspired by a girl I met at a pool party
I made a video slideshow of this poem the year after I wrote it. Watching it now, I don't think it's very good, but if you want to check it out, here's the YouTube link.
She was laughing as she slid down the waterslide
Jumping in, doing flips, making friends on the fly
I never would’ve guessed she held a secret inside
Then she held up her arm, and I noticed her scars
And my world tilted slowly as she said, “Life is hard
But I deal with the pain in the easiest way
Yeah, I know it’s not good but it helps day by day.”
I glance at her once and all that I see
Is an innocent girl at the age of thirteen
I never would’ve known about the pain in her heart
The abuse and the memories that tear her apart
But we talked late that night, in the mottled pool light
And we watched as the fireworks lit up the sky
And she said, “Do you see? They’re a sign that we’re free
And I know that I’m not, but I wish I could be.”
Her story stayed with me, her scars all too real
Marking her fight to control what she feels
And my eyes have been opened; any person I meet
May be mentally drowning in waters too deep
Best I remember, it was Fourth of July
She smiled through her tears with her face to the sky
Desperate to be seen, to be heard, to be hugged
Her greatest desire was just to be loved
(c) 2013
inspired by a girl I met at a pool party
I made a video slideshow of this poem the year after I wrote it. Watching it now, I don't think it's very good, but if you want to check it out, here's the YouTube link.
Another Long Night
Breathe
Just breathe
I fight the fatigue that incarcerates me
Eyes open
Heart broken
Here for however long you need me to be
We watched two a.m. come and go
As you ranted and raged against the world
Then three, then four, five-thirty and the sun awoke
You lifted your tired eyes
We'd made it through another long night
Be
Just be
I'm running on less than two hours of sleep
But that's okay
I'll stay
By your side until all of the demons recede
I watched your emotions ebb and flow
Anger to despair to the lowest of lows
I stayed, I prayed, and finally the sun awoke
You met my tired eyes
We'd made it through another long night
And tonight
Will be just as difficult
I don't know when this cycle will end
But I refuse to lose my friend
So I'll be here
Feeling helpless but knowing I'm making a difference
Only once your breathing has become peaceful and slow
Will I allow my eyes to close
Ten p.m. and I'm watching your mood swing to and fro
Heart aching, wishing I could imbue you with hope
All you see is darkness, I will not leave you alone
Exhaustion pounds at my mind
It's going to be another long night
We'll watch four a.m. come and go
The minutes stretch into hours under the sky's dark cloak
You'll tell me to go get some rest, I'll shake my head no
Soon the sun will rise
And we'll have made it through another long night
(c) 2020
This was originally written as a song, and might become a song someday, but I decided it works as a poem too.
Just breathe
I fight the fatigue that incarcerates me
Eyes open
Heart broken
Here for however long you need me to be
We watched two a.m. come and go
As you ranted and raged against the world
Then three, then four, five-thirty and the sun awoke
You lifted your tired eyes
We'd made it through another long night
Be
Just be
I'm running on less than two hours of sleep
But that's okay
I'll stay
By your side until all of the demons recede
I watched your emotions ebb and flow
Anger to despair to the lowest of lows
I stayed, I prayed, and finally the sun awoke
You met my tired eyes
We'd made it through another long night
And tonight
Will be just as difficult
I don't know when this cycle will end
But I refuse to lose my friend
So I'll be here
Feeling helpless but knowing I'm making a difference
Only once your breathing has become peaceful and slow
Will I allow my eyes to close
Ten p.m. and I'm watching your mood swing to and fro
Heart aching, wishing I could imbue you with hope
All you see is darkness, I will not leave you alone
Exhaustion pounds at my mind
It's going to be another long night
We'll watch four a.m. come and go
The minutes stretch into hours under the sky's dark cloak
You'll tell me to go get some rest, I'll shake my head no
Soon the sun will rise
And we'll have made it through another long night
(c) 2020
This was originally written as a song, and might become a song someday, but I decided it works as a poem too.
Love and Hate Must Be the Same Emotion
You get me confused
One day it's a hug and the next it's a bruise
And I have some really great memories with you
But I don't understand the things that you do
I have to be strong
What did I do wrong?
Every day you build me up just to tear me down
Every day I have to put on this front
Act like I'm not hurt
So I act big and cool for all my friends
And at school I rule the roost
And I try, I really try
But it's so hard sometimes
Because all I'm feeling is frustration and anger
Toward everyone
And the teachers, they're nice, they try to help me
But they don't know me
They don't know my story
I've seen things other kids cannot imagine
And I've felt things other kids can't even fathom
Every day I'm crying out for help
But no one hears me
The love and hate collide, but I can't let myself cry
Because that's a sign of weakness in your eyes
I'm not who you want
And it confuses me
Because sometimes all I see is your smile
When we're doing something cool together
And other times all I see is your fist or your knife coming at me
You tell me you love me
Summer vacation is almost here
Everyone's saying it's the best time of the year
Miserable screaming is all I'll ever hear
But hey, I don't want to be different
I gotta show that I'm okay
So I paste on a fake smile and I masquerade
And cover it all up with my cool guy swagger
Yeah all the kids think I'm the best
Even the kids I can't stand want to be like me
So I don't understand what you see that's wrong with me
There must be something wrong with me
You tell me you love me
You tell me I'm lucky
But your actions don't always line up with your words
I wish I was bigger
I wish I was better
I wish that my voice could somehow be heard.
(c) 2016
I was horrified and disgusted when I found out that someone I knew was being abused. This is my perspective of what his perspective might have been.
One day it's a hug and the next it's a bruise
And I have some really great memories with you
But I don't understand the things that you do
I have to be strong
What did I do wrong?
Every day you build me up just to tear me down
Every day I have to put on this front
Act like I'm not hurt
So I act big and cool for all my friends
And at school I rule the roost
And I try, I really try
But it's so hard sometimes
Because all I'm feeling is frustration and anger
Toward everyone
And the teachers, they're nice, they try to help me
But they don't know me
They don't know my story
I've seen things other kids cannot imagine
And I've felt things other kids can't even fathom
Every day I'm crying out for help
But no one hears me
The love and hate collide, but I can't let myself cry
Because that's a sign of weakness in your eyes
I'm not who you want
And it confuses me
Because sometimes all I see is your smile
When we're doing something cool together
And other times all I see is your fist or your knife coming at me
You tell me you love me
Summer vacation is almost here
Everyone's saying it's the best time of the year
Miserable screaming is all I'll ever hear
But hey, I don't want to be different
I gotta show that I'm okay
So I paste on a fake smile and I masquerade
And cover it all up with my cool guy swagger
Yeah all the kids think I'm the best
Even the kids I can't stand want to be like me
So I don't understand what you see that's wrong with me
There must be something wrong with me
You tell me you love me
You tell me I'm lucky
But your actions don't always line up with your words
I wish I was bigger
I wish I was better
I wish that my voice could somehow be heard.
(c) 2016
I was horrified and disgusted when I found out that someone I knew was being abused. This is my perspective of what his perspective might have been.
Pretending
You're great at pretending
And so am I
I ask how you're doing
You tell me you're fine
I smile and give
An upbeat reply
But you're great at pretending
And so am I
You're great at pretending
And so am I
We smile, laugh and joke
Like things are all right
We each have our issues
But keep them out of sight
'Cause you're great at pretending
And so am I
You're great at pretending
And so am I
You act like you're happy
But your world is awry
You don't want me to see
So I turn a blind eye
'Cause you're great at pretending
And so am I
You're great at pretending
And so am I
I know you're untruthful
But I let you deny
We could be real if we wanted
But we don't even try
'Cause you're great at pretending
And so am I
You're great at pretending
And so am I
We've both got worlds of pain
On the inside
But we keep to ourselves
And we never confide
'Cause you're great at pretending
And so am I
You're great at pretending
And so am I
If only one of us
Would let the other see us cry
Then maybe we could heal
Standing side by side
But you're great at pretending
And so am I
(c) 2018
And so am I
I ask how you're doing
You tell me you're fine
I smile and give
An upbeat reply
But you're great at pretending
And so am I
You're great at pretending
And so am I
We smile, laugh and joke
Like things are all right
We each have our issues
But keep them out of sight
'Cause you're great at pretending
And so am I
You're great at pretending
And so am I
You act like you're happy
But your world is awry
You don't want me to see
So I turn a blind eye
'Cause you're great at pretending
And so am I
You're great at pretending
And so am I
I know you're untruthful
But I let you deny
We could be real if we wanted
But we don't even try
'Cause you're great at pretending
And so am I
You're great at pretending
And so am I
We've both got worlds of pain
On the inside
But we keep to ourselves
And we never confide
'Cause you're great at pretending
And so am I
You're great at pretending
And so am I
If only one of us
Would let the other see us cry
Then maybe we could heal
Standing side by side
But you're great at pretending
And so am I
(c) 2018
No Words
No words.
While everyone else moves on, they cry.
While everyone else lives on, they died.
You can't replace
You can't re-write time
This innocence
Is gone forever
They will never get it back
And those who are lost
Why, just why?
It's just not okay.
Just not okay
They will never forget
While the rest of the world will eventually move on,
They will NEVER forget
Nightmares will haunt them and follow them forever.
And it's just not okay
You can't understand or explain evil.
CHILDREN
Should be innocent
And free
And not have to worry about serious issues
CHILDREN
Should feel safe in their own school
Should feel safe wherever they are
CHILDREN are CHILDREN
And these children will never be children again
Growing up too fast
Not okay
And the heartbreak, the pain, the sadness
Why would you do it?
Why?
Bigger than a tragedy
They're too young
It's not okay
And twenty-seven innocents are lost forever
And hundreds of children have become adults in shortened time
And hundreds of parents will sit and worry now, forever
Waiting for another tragedy
And the holes will never fill
And families will be broken forever
And it's just not okay
And forever the children will be afraid
And forever the parents will worry, wonder, cry
Just WHY
And meanwhile, people are moving on with their lives
Other people, from what seems like a different universe
Have heard of the tragedy, prayed and cried
But after a while,
They go on
Shopping and schooling and working and driving
And living like before
But one community
Will NEVER move on.
Will always be afraid and sad and angry
Too sad for words
So unexpected
It was a normal day
And then it broke
And life was never normal again
And never will be as long as they live
They will always be living in a nightmare
Until that nightmare becomes reality
But even then
They will never forget
They will always be traumatized
They will always be missing someone
It's just not okay
And while terror was taking place
We were living life
We heard, we cried, complained and prayed
But also laughed and worked and embraced
It wasn't real to us.
It was SO real to them
And so is the absence
They will never be whole again
God, be with them
You're the only one who can
Nobody will ever understand
And I know Your heart is crying bigger tears than any of us
Wrap Your loving arms around them
And fill them with your peace
And help them through the heartache that will never ever go away
No words.
(c) December 14, 2012
Written in response to the Sandy Hook school shooting. Not edited at all; simply my words pouring out on the page.
While everyone else moves on, they cry.
While everyone else lives on, they died.
You can't replace
You can't re-write time
This innocence
Is gone forever
They will never get it back
And those who are lost
Why, just why?
It's just not okay.
Just not okay
They will never forget
While the rest of the world will eventually move on,
They will NEVER forget
Nightmares will haunt them and follow them forever.
And it's just not okay
You can't understand or explain evil.
CHILDREN
Should be innocent
And free
And not have to worry about serious issues
CHILDREN
Should feel safe in their own school
Should feel safe wherever they are
CHILDREN are CHILDREN
And these children will never be children again
Growing up too fast
Not okay
And the heartbreak, the pain, the sadness
Why would you do it?
Why?
Bigger than a tragedy
They're too young
It's not okay
And twenty-seven innocents are lost forever
And hundreds of children have become adults in shortened time
And hundreds of parents will sit and worry now, forever
Waiting for another tragedy
And the holes will never fill
And families will be broken forever
And it's just not okay
And forever the children will be afraid
And forever the parents will worry, wonder, cry
Just WHY
And meanwhile, people are moving on with their lives
Other people, from what seems like a different universe
Have heard of the tragedy, prayed and cried
But after a while,
They go on
Shopping and schooling and working and driving
And living like before
But one community
Will NEVER move on.
Will always be afraid and sad and angry
Too sad for words
So unexpected
It was a normal day
And then it broke
And life was never normal again
And never will be as long as they live
They will always be living in a nightmare
Until that nightmare becomes reality
But even then
They will never forget
They will always be traumatized
They will always be missing someone
It's just not okay
And while terror was taking place
We were living life
We heard, we cried, complained and prayed
But also laughed and worked and embraced
It wasn't real to us.
It was SO real to them
And so is the absence
They will never be whole again
God, be with them
You're the only one who can
Nobody will ever understand
And I know Your heart is crying bigger tears than any of us
Wrap Your loving arms around them
And fill them with your peace
And help them through the heartache that will never ever go away
No words.
(c) December 14, 2012
Written in response to the Sandy Hook school shooting. Not edited at all; simply my words pouring out on the page.
What Nobody Knows
Sunshine
Masquerading in a parade of contrived happiness
But this is not how I really feel
Glow and smiles
Smiles all around and one of them is mine
But it isn't real
My friends, I call them friends, but is that really what they are?
They see my trendy clothes, arranged so carefully-
So that they are what is focused on, rather than the real me
They see my shiny, luscious hair
My practiced smiles, self-assured air
They do not know I am an actress
That every laugh is a curtain to cover how I really feel
If they knew about my parents
If they knew about the fights
The screaming, the throwing, the tears I cry each and every night
I would lose something about me
I would feel trespassed upon
And, since they are not living my life, how could they understand?
So I cannot let them know
I hide
Silently
Keeping my life to myself because everyone has enough to be getting on with
Without adding my troubles to the mix
How do I cope, you ask?
There is One
One whom I can show my full self to because he knows me anyway
The only one I never hide from
In the deepest, darkest nights
When I'm left alone with my tears and my thoughts that chase me with hammers, relentlessly-
I can speak to God
I never make a sound
But He hears me
And that is what keeps me holding on
When my life and my oppressors make me feel doomed
The real me
Is somebody you'll never see
Hiding behind a curtain of anonymity
It hurts too much, the truth
Too much to share with anyone else
So I just pretend
That every day is full of rainbows and gleaming joy
And that way, nobody has to watch me crumble
I am strong
I'll win this fight
And maybe someday everything will really be all right
But for now I hide
And every day is sunshine
Masquerading in a parade of contrived happiness
But nobody knows how I really feel.
(c) 2013?
I think this was my first attempt at the "Behind the Curtain" scholarship, but I decided it was too rambly so I made the "Behind the Curtain" poem instead.
Masquerading in a parade of contrived happiness
But this is not how I really feel
Glow and smiles
Smiles all around and one of them is mine
But it isn't real
My friends, I call them friends, but is that really what they are?
They see my trendy clothes, arranged so carefully-
So that they are what is focused on, rather than the real me
They see my shiny, luscious hair
My practiced smiles, self-assured air
They do not know I am an actress
That every laugh is a curtain to cover how I really feel
If they knew about my parents
If they knew about the fights
The screaming, the throwing, the tears I cry each and every night
I would lose something about me
I would feel trespassed upon
And, since they are not living my life, how could they understand?
So I cannot let them know
I hide
Silently
Keeping my life to myself because everyone has enough to be getting on with
Without adding my troubles to the mix
How do I cope, you ask?
There is One
One whom I can show my full self to because he knows me anyway
The only one I never hide from
In the deepest, darkest nights
When I'm left alone with my tears and my thoughts that chase me with hammers, relentlessly-
I can speak to God
I never make a sound
But He hears me
And that is what keeps me holding on
When my life and my oppressors make me feel doomed
The real me
Is somebody you'll never see
Hiding behind a curtain of anonymity
It hurts too much, the truth
Too much to share with anyone else
So I just pretend
That every day is full of rainbows and gleaming joy
And that way, nobody has to watch me crumble
I am strong
I'll win this fight
And maybe someday everything will really be all right
But for now I hide
And every day is sunshine
Masquerading in a parade of contrived happiness
But nobody knows how I really feel.
(c) 2013?
I think this was my first attempt at the "Behind the Curtain" scholarship, but I decided it was too rambly so I made the "Behind the Curtain" poem instead.
Unsettled
I just don't know
Anything
At all.
And I just don't like
Feeling
So small.
And I wish I could
Reach out
And help.
But you like to do
Everything
Yourself.
I just can't stand
This void
This space.
I want to see
Beyond
Your face.
I feel like I'm
Hovering
In air.
I'm over here
And you're
Over there.
I want our lives
Back how
They were.
I want to know
You're fine
For sure.
I just don't like
Tension
I'm scared.
Please understand
Really
I care.
(c) 2018
Anything
At all.
And I just don't like
Feeling
So small.
And I wish I could
Reach out
And help.
But you like to do
Everything
Yourself.
I just can't stand
This void
This space.
I want to see
Beyond
Your face.
I feel like I'm
Hovering
In air.
I'm over here
And you're
Over there.
I want our lives
Back how
They were.
I want to know
You're fine
For sure.
I just don't like
Tension
I'm scared.
Please understand
Really
I care.
(c) 2018
You Who Hide Your Pain
You laugh and smile, you talk and grin
All to hide what you’re feeling within
I see through your laugh
Your smile is glass
Alone in your world of pain
You seem so secure
You act reassured
“Nothing’s wrong, come on, let’s hang out”
You and your sixteen boyfriends
But I can see your doubts
I asked you once, ”Why do you always swear? ”
You told me it’s how you vent your anger
I didn’t get it then, didn’t understand
You knew I wouldn’t, with my “perfect” life
But I see it now, the anger that’s there
You asked me questions I thought were mean
You made fun of my friend, your words were obscene
I thought you were so obnoxious
I just didn’t see
Maybe you wanted, for a moment or more, to be my friend or me
”Guess what I did on my weekend,” you brag
”Got drunk, had sex, did drugs”
Horrified, my opinion was, “Wow, she’s a creep”
When all you ever really needed
Was love
We ignored you, ‘cause you were mean to us first
We looked and found reasons to hate you
All that time I never saw your hurt
You’re good at hiding, good at lying
“”I’m fine,” you say, ”I’m totally fine.”
To those who don’t know you you’re just another girl
Another high-school student, one of millions in the world
You’re loud and talkative, with loud groups of “friends”
Are they really friends? Do they know the real you?
The pretense you live is not who you are
You gave me a piece of your soul that day
When you told me the reason you swear
I never saw before
Me, with my loving family, nice house, Christian faith
You with your shattered life, feeling unloved
I don’t know your whole story, but I can guess
You r parents don’t care; I don’t know the rest
Still, I know you’re hurting, you need help
It seems too late for me to help you—you’re gone without a trace
I don’t see you anymore, but you still need love and faith
So I pray for you now, every day
Though I no longer see you, God always does
You need Him, He’ll help you, He loves you no matter what
God’s with you forever, and I pray that someday
You’ll realize this, you’ll turn to Him, you’ll beg forgiveness, and finally change.
(c) 2009
I wrote this about a girl I knew in high school
All to hide what you’re feeling within
I see through your laugh
Your smile is glass
Alone in your world of pain
You seem so secure
You act reassured
“Nothing’s wrong, come on, let’s hang out”
You and your sixteen boyfriends
But I can see your doubts
I asked you once, ”Why do you always swear? ”
You told me it’s how you vent your anger
I didn’t get it then, didn’t understand
You knew I wouldn’t, with my “perfect” life
But I see it now, the anger that’s there
You asked me questions I thought were mean
You made fun of my friend, your words were obscene
I thought you were so obnoxious
I just didn’t see
Maybe you wanted, for a moment or more, to be my friend or me
”Guess what I did on my weekend,” you brag
”Got drunk, had sex, did drugs”
Horrified, my opinion was, “Wow, she’s a creep”
When all you ever really needed
Was love
We ignored you, ‘cause you were mean to us first
We looked and found reasons to hate you
All that time I never saw your hurt
You’re good at hiding, good at lying
“”I’m fine,” you say, ”I’m totally fine.”
To those who don’t know you you’re just another girl
Another high-school student, one of millions in the world
You’re loud and talkative, with loud groups of “friends”
Are they really friends? Do they know the real you?
The pretense you live is not who you are
You gave me a piece of your soul that day
When you told me the reason you swear
I never saw before
Me, with my loving family, nice house, Christian faith
You with your shattered life, feeling unloved
I don’t know your whole story, but I can guess
You r parents don’t care; I don’t know the rest
Still, I know you’re hurting, you need help
It seems too late for me to help you—you’re gone without a trace
I don’t see you anymore, but you still need love and faith
So I pray for you now, every day
Though I no longer see you, God always does
You need Him, He’ll help you, He loves you no matter what
God’s with you forever, and I pray that someday
You’ll realize this, you’ll turn to Him, you’ll beg forgiveness, and finally change.
(c) 2009
I wrote this about a girl I knew in high school
Sinking Ships
I'm on a boat that's being barraged
It's your boat of self-sabotage
It's sinking more quickly than I can keep up
Every day you carve into the hull another hole
Every day I take my bucket and do what I can
But you're the one with the control
This is out of my hands
What more can I do?
I can try all I want but it all comes back to you
It's really hard to save a ship
When the captain's the one who's sinking it
I'm doing all I can to save you from yourself
But it's hard to save someone who won't accept help
More than once I've considered jumping ship
Save myself while I still can so I don't go down with it
But we're in this together, we're a family, it's true
And I'm intricately connected to everything you do
I'm not going to let you drown
Even though you seem to want me to
Just stop burning holes in your ship
Together we can find a way to mend it
But I need you to help
I can't save your ship by myself
I wish I knew why
Wish I could do more than pray and stew and cry
I wish I could fix everything that's broken
But all I can do is sit here hoping
Hoping this ship won't sink
Or maybe that we can work together to build a better one
Hoping you'll help me keep it afloat this time
Stop wreaking havoc on your life
And I want you to know that I won't let this ship go down without a furious fight.
(c) 2019
It's your boat of self-sabotage
It's sinking more quickly than I can keep up
Every day you carve into the hull another hole
Every day I take my bucket and do what I can
But you're the one with the control
This is out of my hands
What more can I do?
I can try all I want but it all comes back to you
It's really hard to save a ship
When the captain's the one who's sinking it
I'm doing all I can to save you from yourself
But it's hard to save someone who won't accept help
More than once I've considered jumping ship
Save myself while I still can so I don't go down with it
But we're in this together, we're a family, it's true
And I'm intricately connected to everything you do
I'm not going to let you drown
Even though you seem to want me to
Just stop burning holes in your ship
Together we can find a way to mend it
But I need you to help
I can't save your ship by myself
I wish I knew why
Wish I could do more than pray and stew and cry
I wish I could fix everything that's broken
But all I can do is sit here hoping
Hoping this ship won't sink
Or maybe that we can work together to build a better one
Hoping you'll help me keep it afloat this time
Stop wreaking havoc on your life
And I want you to know that I won't let this ship go down without a furious fight.
(c) 2019
Mine Has To
On one hand, the world does not revolve around you
On the other hand, mine has to
I'm in the position of utmost power
And you're a delicate flower, a glass tower
Every emotion constantly on the edge
Every piece of your world spinning out of control
You need something to hold onto
You need to feel like you don't always lose
I know you need to learn how to deal with failure
I know in the real world you can't always get what you want
I hope I'm not just setting you up to collapse
But if I can save you tonight that's one more day I count as a success
When the smallest thing
Could lead to the end
It's like standing on a precipice
And trying not to catch the wind
So for now I indulge
Giving you all that you want
Hoping someday we can talk rationally about all of this
Hoping we don't fall off the precipice
Because seeing you this way really hurts
And I don't want anything I do to make things worse
Judging eyes, privileged lives
Telling me I'm bringing you up to be spoiled
But they don't know what it's like inside our world
If they asked, I'd tell them yes, I understand that the world does not revolve around you
But I also understand, that for this season of life, mine has to
(c) 2020
I wrote this from the perspective of a parent who has a suicidal child. I can imagine that every decision would be excruciating because you don't know how things will play out. You don't want to make things worse but you don't know how to make things better, so you're paralyzed by indecision. Nobody else understands because they're not in your shoes. They might judge your decisions harshly because they don't understand that you're just doing the best you can in a terrifying situation. I see you. You're not alone.
On the other hand, mine has to
I'm in the position of utmost power
And you're a delicate flower, a glass tower
Every emotion constantly on the edge
Every piece of your world spinning out of control
You need something to hold onto
You need to feel like you don't always lose
I know you need to learn how to deal with failure
I know in the real world you can't always get what you want
I hope I'm not just setting you up to collapse
But if I can save you tonight that's one more day I count as a success
When the smallest thing
Could lead to the end
It's like standing on a precipice
And trying not to catch the wind
So for now I indulge
Giving you all that you want
Hoping someday we can talk rationally about all of this
Hoping we don't fall off the precipice
Because seeing you this way really hurts
And I don't want anything I do to make things worse
Judging eyes, privileged lives
Telling me I'm bringing you up to be spoiled
But they don't know what it's like inside our world
If they asked, I'd tell them yes, I understand that the world does not revolve around you
But I also understand, that for this season of life, mine has to
(c) 2020
I wrote this from the perspective of a parent who has a suicidal child. I can imagine that every decision would be excruciating because you don't know how things will play out. You don't want to make things worse but you don't know how to make things better, so you're paralyzed by indecision. Nobody else understands because they're not in your shoes. They might judge your decisions harshly because they don't understand that you're just doing the best you can in a terrifying situation. I see you. You're not alone.
We Always Hide Our Tears
We always hide our tears
Put on a face of cool and calm and collected like we're pretty Christmas lights
When inside we're really a nuclear bomb
Or a grenade just waiting for the right amount of pressure
And as soon as the right amount hits
We explode
Sending pieces of shrapnel all over, cutting into everyone until nobody is the same ever again
We try to repair
Mend the broken pieces
But we can't
It's like fitting together the shards of a broken mirror
The reflection is distorted
Life is distorted
Memories are power
And rash actions give way to fear
In reality, we're all living in fear
Fear of ourselves and of others
Fear of saying or doing the wrong thing
Fear that history is going to repeat itself
Fear of letting others see our emotions
But where do we ever get by keeping our emotions all locked up inside ourselves?
They run out of air to breathe until we are forced to either suffocate in our mistakes or find another solution
A rapidly-expanding POP sends pieces of balloon all over the place
And you can't put it back together again
(c) 2016
Put on a face of cool and calm and collected like we're pretty Christmas lights
When inside we're really a nuclear bomb
Or a grenade just waiting for the right amount of pressure
And as soon as the right amount hits
We explode
Sending pieces of shrapnel all over, cutting into everyone until nobody is the same ever again
We try to repair
Mend the broken pieces
But we can't
It's like fitting together the shards of a broken mirror
The reflection is distorted
Life is distorted
Memories are power
And rash actions give way to fear
In reality, we're all living in fear
Fear of ourselves and of others
Fear of saying or doing the wrong thing
Fear that history is going to repeat itself
Fear of letting others see our emotions
But where do we ever get by keeping our emotions all locked up inside ourselves?
They run out of air to breathe until we are forced to either suffocate in our mistakes or find another solution
A rapidly-expanding POP sends pieces of balloon all over the place
And you can't put it back together again
(c) 2016
The Outcast
Little Barbara walked home through the snow
Past the Great Eastern Mills and the ten-cent store
Saw an ad for a brand-new radio show
Couldn't drum up her interest; her soul was so cold
Classmates' taunts ringing in her ears
"Ugly! " "Dummy! " "Square! " reducing her to tears
She squeezed her eyes shut, praying that they'd all just go away
At least going home was a reprieve and an escape
She entered the house with a slam of the door
Mama looked up crossly but then saw the pain she bore
She opened her arms, and drew Barbara in
Said, "I know it's hard, but don't let those bullies win."
Little Barbara filled her plate with food
As Dad reminded little James to close his mouth to chew
Conversations around the table made her smile
Helping her forget about her problems for a while
~
Little Ava walks home through the snow
Past the plaza with Chipotle and the Apple store
Billboards advertising the next season of a Netflix show
Her favorite, but she doesn't care; her soul is just too cold
Classmates' jabs ringing in her ears
"Ugly, " "Basic, " "Noob, " reducing her to tears
She squeezes her eyes shut, wishing they'd all just go away
Feeling suffocated, like there's no way to escape
She enters the house with a slam of the door
It's empty as always, throws her stuff on the floor
Curls up on her bed and pulls out her phone
Needs something to help her not feel so alone
Little Ava opens up her chats
A new unopened message says "heyyyyy fat"
And other people's posts are full of friends and fun and smiles
She lets the tears roll down her face, wishing life would just expire
(c) 2021
I know that the past was not perfect and that our modern era is not all bad. However, I do believe that the changes to family life and the omnipresence of technology and social media have had a negative impact on today's youth. Whereas before, kids had a way to escape peers' bullying and harassment, today it can follow them everywhere through digital messaging. I hope this poem makes you stop and think.
Past the Great Eastern Mills and the ten-cent store
Saw an ad for a brand-new radio show
Couldn't drum up her interest; her soul was so cold
Classmates' taunts ringing in her ears
"Ugly! " "Dummy! " "Square! " reducing her to tears
She squeezed her eyes shut, praying that they'd all just go away
At least going home was a reprieve and an escape
She entered the house with a slam of the door
Mama looked up crossly but then saw the pain she bore
She opened her arms, and drew Barbara in
Said, "I know it's hard, but don't let those bullies win."
Little Barbara filled her plate with food
As Dad reminded little James to close his mouth to chew
Conversations around the table made her smile
Helping her forget about her problems for a while
~
Little Ava walks home through the snow
Past the plaza with Chipotle and the Apple store
Billboards advertising the next season of a Netflix show
Her favorite, but she doesn't care; her soul is just too cold
Classmates' jabs ringing in her ears
"Ugly, " "Basic, " "Noob, " reducing her to tears
She squeezes her eyes shut, wishing they'd all just go away
Feeling suffocated, like there's no way to escape
She enters the house with a slam of the door
It's empty as always, throws her stuff on the floor
Curls up on her bed and pulls out her phone
Needs something to help her not feel so alone
Little Ava opens up her chats
A new unopened message says "heyyyyy fat"
And other people's posts are full of friends and fun and smiles
She lets the tears roll down her face, wishing life would just expire
(c) 2021
I know that the past was not perfect and that our modern era is not all bad. However, I do believe that the changes to family life and the omnipresence of technology and social media have had a negative impact on today's youth. Whereas before, kids had a way to escape peers' bullying and harassment, today it can follow them everywhere through digital messaging. I hope this poem makes you stop and think.
I Don't Wanna FEel This Way
I don't wanna feel this way
God, take this please
It's like a heavy black cloud has settled on me
A weight on my shoulders that I just can't lift
Every decision I make feels wrong
Always second guessing
Always regretting
This must be what it's like to experience depression
I know that I should choose
To reach for the light, to reach for You
Maybe some part of me likes this burden
Maybe somehow I think I deserve it
It's like everything around me is out of control
And I let the negativity take hold
Spent so long trying to push it back
Now it feels like I'm going to collapse
So many things I could do
So many paths to choose
Choice paralysis
I choose none of it
It's easier just to sleep.
God, help me to climb out
Don't want to be in this pit I keep finding myself
And I need your help
I've been conditioned to think my opinions are wrong
I've made myself helpless, relying on others too long
I blame myself for everything
Put things in my mind a certain way, get upset when they don't happen
Drenched in fears from what I imagine
Pain so deep the old me couldn't fathom
Stuck in this never ending challenge
And all the hatred and all the tension
All the things we never mention
I get pushed around
This cold war's just as devastating even if no bombs hit the ground
It's a tug of war and I'm the rope
Struggling to hold onto my hope
Ocean storm and I'm the boat
Funny the emotions you go through over time
It starts with blaring anger, turns to sadness, turns resigned
Till I'm just flat and then all I have is lines
Cross my skin from the times I couldn't make the flaring anger die
You make me want to cry
I can't deal with all this stupid crap every single time
Hate the anxiety
Hate this stupid mess
And all that's inside of me
Things I wish I could forget
And all the problems I can't fix
All the times I thought we were through with it
Thought the fights and the problems had finally come to an end
But they just manifest in new forms when they come back again
Till I can't be rid of them
I need an escape
Sometimes I just want to jump on a plane
Fly far away
To a place where nobody knows my name
Or a place where the people who know me are safe
Just want to forget the pain
Just want to go back to the way things were back in the day
Back when the sun quickly came
Back when every single stinking time it rained
I didn't fear that it would turn into a hurricane
And while we're making a list of all the things I hate
Let's add the self-destruction and external locus of blame
If you want something go get it
If you don't want it badly enough don't complain when you don't have it
Cycling back to old habits
Holding the pain in my fist, trying to outlast it
Losing every battle
I've always been the collateral
Now I just want an escape
See, I know I've got joy that can't be erased
No matter how many phony white smiles I have to paste
No matter how much of my cheerful persona is fake
It's in there because it comes from God and it can't be wiped away
No matter how many battles I face
Everyone makes mistakes
That's why He gives us His grace
I need to stop letting other people's actions get in my way
Need to stop fearing perceptions
Need to stop fearing rejection
Need to stop letting your black clouds be my obsession
God, help me to keep moving forward
Help me to keep reaching up
Keep looking ahead to a beautiful future
I know I can do it
I know You can use this
I know You will help me get through this
No matter how many bumps and bruises
I have to incur
I can be sure
You are with me
You are with me.
(C) 2020
God, take this please
It's like a heavy black cloud has settled on me
A weight on my shoulders that I just can't lift
Every decision I make feels wrong
Always second guessing
Always regretting
This must be what it's like to experience depression
I know that I should choose
To reach for the light, to reach for You
Maybe some part of me likes this burden
Maybe somehow I think I deserve it
It's like everything around me is out of control
And I let the negativity take hold
Spent so long trying to push it back
Now it feels like I'm going to collapse
So many things I could do
So many paths to choose
Choice paralysis
I choose none of it
It's easier just to sleep.
God, help me to climb out
Don't want to be in this pit I keep finding myself
And I need your help
I've been conditioned to think my opinions are wrong
I've made myself helpless, relying on others too long
I blame myself for everything
Put things in my mind a certain way, get upset when they don't happen
Drenched in fears from what I imagine
Pain so deep the old me couldn't fathom
Stuck in this never ending challenge
And all the hatred and all the tension
All the things we never mention
I get pushed around
This cold war's just as devastating even if no bombs hit the ground
It's a tug of war and I'm the rope
Struggling to hold onto my hope
Ocean storm and I'm the boat
Funny the emotions you go through over time
It starts with blaring anger, turns to sadness, turns resigned
Till I'm just flat and then all I have is lines
Cross my skin from the times I couldn't make the flaring anger die
You make me want to cry
I can't deal with all this stupid crap every single time
Hate the anxiety
Hate this stupid mess
And all that's inside of me
Things I wish I could forget
And all the problems I can't fix
All the times I thought we were through with it
Thought the fights and the problems had finally come to an end
But they just manifest in new forms when they come back again
Till I can't be rid of them
I need an escape
Sometimes I just want to jump on a plane
Fly far away
To a place where nobody knows my name
Or a place where the people who know me are safe
Just want to forget the pain
Just want to go back to the way things were back in the day
Back when the sun quickly came
Back when every single stinking time it rained
I didn't fear that it would turn into a hurricane
And while we're making a list of all the things I hate
Let's add the self-destruction and external locus of blame
If you want something go get it
If you don't want it badly enough don't complain when you don't have it
Cycling back to old habits
Holding the pain in my fist, trying to outlast it
Losing every battle
I've always been the collateral
Now I just want an escape
See, I know I've got joy that can't be erased
No matter how many phony white smiles I have to paste
No matter how much of my cheerful persona is fake
It's in there because it comes from God and it can't be wiped away
No matter how many battles I face
Everyone makes mistakes
That's why He gives us His grace
I need to stop letting other people's actions get in my way
Need to stop fearing perceptions
Need to stop fearing rejection
Need to stop letting your black clouds be my obsession
God, help me to keep moving forward
Help me to keep reaching up
Keep looking ahead to a beautiful future
I know I can do it
I know You can use this
I know You will help me get through this
No matter how many bumps and bruises
I have to incur
I can be sure
You are with me
You are with me.
(C) 2020
