We always hope that the people we’re friends with right now remain our friends forever and ever. Sometimes it does happen that way. Other times it doesn’t.
You and your friends may drift apart for several reasons. Maybe you go to different schools, and don’t see each other much anymore. Maybe you’re both involved in separate activities and don’t have a lot of time to hang out together anymore. Maybe you just both get interested in different things. As you grow older and each form your own identities, you may find that the common ground that bound you together when you were younger isn’t really there anymore.
It’s sad losing friends. You have this person who you’ve always loved hanging out with, and who’s always loved hanging out with you, and suddenly it’s not like that anymore. When you realize that your former best friend is now much more buddy-buddy with someone else, or doesn’t want to do any of the things you want to do, or seems to have become an entirely different person, it hurts.
You and your friends may drift apart for several reasons. Maybe you go to different schools, and don’t see each other much anymore. Maybe you’re both involved in separate activities and don’t have a lot of time to hang out together anymore. Maybe you just both get interested in different things. As you grow older and each form your own identities, you may find that the common ground that bound you together when you were younger isn’t really there anymore.
It’s sad losing friends. You have this person who you’ve always loved hanging out with, and who’s always loved hanging out with you, and suddenly it’s not like that anymore. When you realize that your former best friend is now much more buddy-buddy with someone else, or doesn’t want to do any of the things you want to do, or seems to have become an entirely different person, it hurts.
tips and advice
it is possible to be friends with someone whose interests are completely different
Let’s say that you’re starting middle school, and your best friend since first grade is suddenly completely obsessed with playing sports. You don’t like sports—you prefer art. It feels like you have nothing in common with your best friend anymore.
It’s likely that you and your best friend won’t be hanging out together all the time anymore, the way you used to. But the two of you can certainly still find some things to do together. Maybe you both enjoy baking cookies, or eating ice cream, or riding bikes. Additionally, you could go to her sports games, and she could take some time to look at your artwork. You could teach her how to draw something and she could teach you how to score a goal or pitch a ball. You may not be best friends anymore, and you’ll probably both have a new set of friends as well—you’ll have your artsy friends and she’ll have her sporty friends—but if the friendship is important enough to keep, the two of you can find a way to make it work.
It’s likely that you and your best friend won’t be hanging out together all the time anymore, the way you used to. But the two of you can certainly still find some things to do together. Maybe you both enjoy baking cookies, or eating ice cream, or riding bikes. Additionally, you could go to her sports games, and she could take some time to look at your artwork. You could teach her how to draw something and she could teach you how to score a goal or pitch a ball. You may not be best friends anymore, and you’ll probably both have a new set of friends as well—you’ll have your artsy friends and she’ll have her sporty friends—but if the friendship is important enough to keep, the two of you can find a way to make it work.
new friends can be just as good as old ones
Now let’s imagine that you’re just not feeling it anymore with an old friend. You used to do everything with him, but now every time you get together, it’s boring or awkward or you’d both rather be doing something else.
People do change. Maybe your friend has changed into someone who you don’t really want to be friends with anymore. Maybe you’ve changed into someone he doesn’t really want to be friends with anymore.
If you still want to be friends with someone who doesn’t have an interest in being friends with you, it hurts a lot. You wonder, “Why does he not like me anymore? What’s wrong with me? What can I do to make him want to hang out with me again?” But a lot of the time, the answer is simply, “Nothing.” He’s moved on. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, it doesn’t mean it’s your fault; it just means that things have changed.
Don’t be afraid to become friends with new people. I didn't meet many of my current friends until adulthood. You still have time to make lifelong friends. And while it might be scary becoming friends with someone new, you’ll miss out on a lot of great friendships if you never give it a try.
People do change. Maybe your friend has changed into someone who you don’t really want to be friends with anymore. Maybe you’ve changed into someone he doesn’t really want to be friends with anymore.
If you still want to be friends with someone who doesn’t have an interest in being friends with you, it hurts a lot. You wonder, “Why does he not like me anymore? What’s wrong with me? What can I do to make him want to hang out with me again?” But a lot of the time, the answer is simply, “Nothing.” He’s moved on. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, it doesn’t mean it’s your fault; it just means that things have changed.
Don’t be afraid to become friends with new people. I didn't meet many of my current friends until adulthood. You still have time to make lifelong friends. And while it might be scary becoming friends with someone new, you’ll miss out on a lot of great friendships if you never give it a try.
sometimes people grow apart for a reason
As I mentioned in the “choosing the right friends” section, sometimes it becomes necessary to say goodbye to a friend. If your friend is drifting apart from you because you’re doing the right thing and she’s making a boatload of bad choices, then maybe it’s a good thing that you’re not hanging around each other that much anymore. You can try with all your might to steer your friend back in the right direction, but if she’s adamant that that’s not what she wants, then perhaps it’s time to let go.
when one friend "outgrows" the other
People mature at different rates. People also have different interests. Some people's interests change drastically as they get older, while others stay relatively the same.
Let's take this scenario: Two girls have been best friends all throughout elementary school. But then, when they hit middle school, one of them suddenly becomes interested in fashion, makeup, and boys. The other doesn’t care about any of that stuff and would prefer to continue playing dolls, stuffed animals, and imaginary games.
What often happens is that the two girls grow apart and each get their own set of friends and don’t really talk to each other anymore. But that doesn’t have to be the case.
If you’re the girl who’s interested in fashion, makeup, and boys, take a pause. Are you starting to think of your friend as too babyish or childish to hang out with you? Is she not cool enough? Do you find it embarrassing to be seen with someone who doesn’t care about her appearance, or who still talks about the magical land you made up when you were five?
Here’s a tip. Remember what it was that caused you to be friends with that girl in the first place. Does she make you laugh? Do you have fun with her? Do you have oodles and oodles of crazy, fun, and touching memories with her? Do you really want to lose all that?
People’s interests change at different rates. Maybe, as your friend gets older, she will also become interested in fashion and makeup and hairstyles and all the things you like. Maybe she won’t (I never did). But even if she doesn’t, that’s okay. Friends can have different interests from each other. Think about the things that pull you together—the memories, the things you both still like to do. And don’t be embarrassed to keep playing dolls and stuffed animals well into your teen years, either. You only get to be a kid once. Have you really outgrown all that stuff, or do you deep down inside still enjoy it? Maybe you could even combine your interests with your friend’s interests—have a fashion show with dolls, or play that one of your stuffed animals has a crush on another!
If you’re the girl who isn’t interested in “growing up” yet, and wants things to stay the same, you should also take a pause. Are you feeling left behind? Do you think your friend has gone crazy, or changed into a completely new person? Do you find it tiring when all she wants to do is go shopping, style her hair, and talk about how cute so-and-so is?
I’m going to give you the same tip: Remember what it was that caused you to be friends with that girl in the first place. Does she make you laugh? Do you have fun with her? Do you have oodles and oodles of crazy, fun, and touching memories with her? She’s changed a lot on the surface, it’s true. But I bet, deep down inside, there are parts of her that will always want to find a way back to those childhood memories. You are her link to who she was before. You are her safety as she navigates the scary world of trying to fit in, look pretty, and be wanted. Don’t write her off just because her interests have changed.
Even if you don’t understand the attraction of putting goop on your face and wearing uncomfortable clothes and holding hands with boys, it’s okay for your friend to be into those kinds of things. You’re two different people. Maybe you can work out some sort of compromise with her—she’ll come over to your house and play dolls one day, you’ll go shopping with her or let her give you a makeover the next. Think of the things that link you together, not the things that are pulling you apart.
And finally, advice for both of you: Life is full of twists and turns. It’s likely that you’ll both end up with new friends along the way—friends who share your interests. Changing girl, you’ll find friends who like to try on cool outfits and giggle about which boy is the cutest. Staying-the-same girl, you’ll find friends who like to bounce on the trampoline and take their Barbies on adventures to Hollywood and the zoo and the moon. Spend time with those new friends. But don’t be afraid to hang out with your old best friend once in a while too.
Let's take this scenario: Two girls have been best friends all throughout elementary school. But then, when they hit middle school, one of them suddenly becomes interested in fashion, makeup, and boys. The other doesn’t care about any of that stuff and would prefer to continue playing dolls, stuffed animals, and imaginary games.
What often happens is that the two girls grow apart and each get their own set of friends and don’t really talk to each other anymore. But that doesn’t have to be the case.
If you’re the girl who’s interested in fashion, makeup, and boys, take a pause. Are you starting to think of your friend as too babyish or childish to hang out with you? Is she not cool enough? Do you find it embarrassing to be seen with someone who doesn’t care about her appearance, or who still talks about the magical land you made up when you were five?
Here’s a tip. Remember what it was that caused you to be friends with that girl in the first place. Does she make you laugh? Do you have fun with her? Do you have oodles and oodles of crazy, fun, and touching memories with her? Do you really want to lose all that?
People’s interests change at different rates. Maybe, as your friend gets older, she will also become interested in fashion and makeup and hairstyles and all the things you like. Maybe she won’t (I never did). But even if she doesn’t, that’s okay. Friends can have different interests from each other. Think about the things that pull you together—the memories, the things you both still like to do. And don’t be embarrassed to keep playing dolls and stuffed animals well into your teen years, either. You only get to be a kid once. Have you really outgrown all that stuff, or do you deep down inside still enjoy it? Maybe you could even combine your interests with your friend’s interests—have a fashion show with dolls, or play that one of your stuffed animals has a crush on another!
If you’re the girl who isn’t interested in “growing up” yet, and wants things to stay the same, you should also take a pause. Are you feeling left behind? Do you think your friend has gone crazy, or changed into a completely new person? Do you find it tiring when all she wants to do is go shopping, style her hair, and talk about how cute so-and-so is?
I’m going to give you the same tip: Remember what it was that caused you to be friends with that girl in the first place. Does she make you laugh? Do you have fun with her? Do you have oodles and oodles of crazy, fun, and touching memories with her? She’s changed a lot on the surface, it’s true. But I bet, deep down inside, there are parts of her that will always want to find a way back to those childhood memories. You are her link to who she was before. You are her safety as she navigates the scary world of trying to fit in, look pretty, and be wanted. Don’t write her off just because her interests have changed.
Even if you don’t understand the attraction of putting goop on your face and wearing uncomfortable clothes and holding hands with boys, it’s okay for your friend to be into those kinds of things. You’re two different people. Maybe you can work out some sort of compromise with her—she’ll come over to your house and play dolls one day, you’ll go shopping with her or let her give you a makeover the next. Think of the things that link you together, not the things that are pulling you apart.
And finally, advice for both of you: Life is full of twists and turns. It’s likely that you’ll both end up with new friends along the way—friends who share your interests. Changing girl, you’ll find friends who like to try on cool outfits and giggle about which boy is the cutest. Staying-the-same girl, you’ll find friends who like to bounce on the trampoline and take their Barbies on adventures to Hollywood and the zoo and the moon. Spend time with those new friends. But don’t be afraid to hang out with your old best friend once in a while too.
"One of the most courageous decisions you'll ever make is when you finally let go of what's hurting your heart and soul."
- Brigitte Nicole
