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"The people around you make up who you are Surround yourself with the good ones and then you’ll go far Choose as your friends the ones who bring out the best in you The ones who accept you the way you are And don’t be afraid, no, don’t be afraid To stand up against what is wrong If it doesn’t seem nice, or doesn’t feel right Then just don’t go along Be careful ‘bout who you consider your friends Don’t waste your whole life following trends And if the people around you are bringing you down Find some new people to hang around" |
The words in the purple box on the left side of this page are the lyrics to a song I wrote in 2010. These lyrics are the advice I want to give to every middle- and high-schooler. Every person, really. So many people fall into the “wrong crowd” when they hit middle school or high school. They want so badly to be accepted, to fit in, or to be popular, that they end up hanging around with people who aren’t really the best people to be around. Being friends with the wrong people can drag you down and change you into someone you don’t want to be. |
tips and advice
who are the wrong people?
The wrong people are the ones who try to take away your sense of self. The ones who don’t treat people kindly. The ones who put others down to make themselves feel good. The ones who try to persuade you to do things that are harmful, illegal, or immoral. If you’re hanging out with people like that, then maybe it’s time to pick some new friends.
How will you know whether the people you’re hanging out with are the wrong kind of people? Most of the time you’ll have at least a slight little voice in your head saying, Something’s not right here. You’ll feel slightly uncomfortable with a certain friend or situation. Deep down, although you may not want to admit it, you’ll know that your so-called “friends” aren’t—or at least shouldn’t be—your friends at all.
How will you know whether the people you’re hanging out with are the wrong kind of people? Most of the time you’ll have at least a slight little voice in your head saying, Something’s not right here. You’ll feel slightly uncomfortable with a certain friend or situation. Deep down, although you may not want to admit it, you’ll know that your so-called “friends” aren’t—or at least shouldn’t be—your friends at all.
warning sign: conditional friends
If anyone says something like, “I’ll be your friend if…” then that’s a warning sign right there. Real friends don’t care what kind of clothes you wear or what your hair looks like. Real friends understand that you can’t spend every single minute with them, and that sometimes you’ll need to take some time with your family or doing your homework. Real friends get that just because you may disagree with them about something, that doesn’t mean that you’re not their friend.
warning sign: fake friends
Fake friends are people who pretend to be your friend but aren’t really. They’re the ones who say they’re there for you and then the next day stab you in the back. They’re the ones who just use you for their own personal gain, the ones whose actions don’t match their friendly words. The people who gossip about you, betray you, and make you feel bad about yourself.
Let’s say you have a “friend” who always wants to do homework with you. Okay, that’s fine… except that he makes you do all the work and then just copies your answers. Or perhaps you have a “friend” who says, “You’re my best friend in the world, and I don’t know what I’d do without you” and then the next day she’s spreading all sorts of nasty rumors about you. Or maybe, you have a “friend” who’s always putting you down, making derogatory comments to you, even under the guise of “just kidding.” All of these people are only pretending to be your friends, and you’d probably be better off without them.
Let’s say you have a “friend” who always wants to do homework with you. Okay, that’s fine… except that he makes you do all the work and then just copies your answers. Or perhaps you have a “friend” who says, “You’re my best friend in the world, and I don’t know what I’d do without you” and then the next day she’s spreading all sorts of nasty rumors about you. Or maybe, you have a “friend” who’s always putting you down, making derogatory comments to you, even under the guise of “just kidding.” All of these people are only pretending to be your friends, and you’d probably be better off without them.
warning sign: controlling friends
Here I’m talking about anyone who wants to basically be the dictator of your life. Be wary of those who try to be your only friend, who say you can’t try out for basketball or join the art club, who insist that you don’t know anything and they know everything. Guess what—your friends don’t get to dictate what you like and dislike, what you can and can’t do. It’s okay for them to give you suggestions and advice. Maybe they really do have your best interest in mind and are trying to help you out. But if a friend starts being too controlling, that’s when you need to break free.
warning sign: bad influence friends
“Just try it. Just this once. It’s okay, nothing bad will happen. Come on… I’m doing it, you should do it too!” Maybe your friend is suggesting that you try drugs, or alcohol or cigarettes. Maybe he’s suggesting that you sneak out without your parents’ permission, or steal something, or vandalize something, or be mean to someone else. Whatever he’s suggesting, if it’s something you know you shouldn’t do, you’ll want to think carefully about whether you want to keep him as a friend.
I’m not saying that you should immediately ditch any friend who offers you a beer. Teenagers like to push the limits and experiment with stuff that isn’t good for them, and while that’s not a good thing, it doesn’t make your friend a bad person. But rather than going along with what your friend suggests, you could explain to him why you’re choosing not to do it, and why he shouldn’t do it either. You could say that you won’t hang out with him while he’s doing those things.
If a friend continues to try to persuade you to participate in harmful or illegal activities, it might be time to say goodbye. You can do better than that. You don’t need people in your life who are dragging you down. Find people who can help build you up.
I’m not saying that you should immediately ditch any friend who offers you a beer. Teenagers like to push the limits and experiment with stuff that isn’t good for them, and while that’s not a good thing, it doesn’t make your friend a bad person. But rather than going along with what your friend suggests, you could explain to him why you’re choosing not to do it, and why he shouldn’t do it either. You could say that you won’t hang out with him while he’s doing those things.
If a friend continues to try to persuade you to participate in harmful or illegal activities, it might be time to say goodbye. You can do better than that. You don’t need people in your life who are dragging you down. Find people who can help build you up.
friends who are making poor choices
Let’s say you have a really good friend who all the sudden starts doing something you don’t approve of. Not a bad influence friend--he doesn’t do it around you, and he never tries to persuade you to do it, but you know he’s doing it all the same. What do you do?
There’s no black-and-white right or wrong answer here. There are so many factors that play in, such as exactly what your friend is doing, why they’re doing it, and why you’d prefer not to get involved in it. If your friend is doing something seriously harmful, such as threatening someone or using drugs that could lead to death, it’s VERY important to let a trusted adult know as soon as possible. If your friend is doing something less severe—something like smoking weed, skipping school, or getting drunk at parties—then it’s up to you to assess what you want to do and whether you want to remain friends with them.
If you do want to remain friends with them, that’s fine. Your friend is not defined by his wrong choices. In fact, you could be the good influence he needs to get back on the right track. I believe that how we treat people greatly influences how they behave. If everyone starts treating your old friend as “that partier who’s always out getting drunk and high,” and the only kids who want to hang out with him are the kids who enjoy getting drunk or high, then your old friend will most likely continue with what he’s doing—because he wants to have friends, and he’s pretty limited on options. If you give him the alternative option of hanging out with you, he may continue making poor choices when he’s with his other friends, but he’ll also be able to spend some time doing fun, wholesome things with you.
Of course, you may not want to keep hanging out with someone who does those things, even if he never does them when you’re around, and that’s fine too. Let your friend know up front: “I still like you as a person, but I don’t approve of some of the things you’ve been doing, and I don’t want to hang around with you as long as you’re still doing those things.” It’s sad to break off a friendship, but sometimes it’s necessary—especially if you think that hanging out with someone who regularly makes poor choices will eventually lead you into making those poor choices too.
Whatever you end up choosing, stay true to yourself and your convictions!
There’s no black-and-white right or wrong answer here. There are so many factors that play in, such as exactly what your friend is doing, why they’re doing it, and why you’d prefer not to get involved in it. If your friend is doing something seriously harmful, such as threatening someone or using drugs that could lead to death, it’s VERY important to let a trusted adult know as soon as possible. If your friend is doing something less severe—something like smoking weed, skipping school, or getting drunk at parties—then it’s up to you to assess what you want to do and whether you want to remain friends with them.
If you do want to remain friends with them, that’s fine. Your friend is not defined by his wrong choices. In fact, you could be the good influence he needs to get back on the right track. I believe that how we treat people greatly influences how they behave. If everyone starts treating your old friend as “that partier who’s always out getting drunk and high,” and the only kids who want to hang out with him are the kids who enjoy getting drunk or high, then your old friend will most likely continue with what he’s doing—because he wants to have friends, and he’s pretty limited on options. If you give him the alternative option of hanging out with you, he may continue making poor choices when he’s with his other friends, but he’ll also be able to spend some time doing fun, wholesome things with you.
Of course, you may not want to keep hanging out with someone who does those things, even if he never does them when you’re around, and that’s fine too. Let your friend know up front: “I still like you as a person, but I don’t approve of some of the things you’ve been doing, and I don’t want to hang around with you as long as you’re still doing those things.” It’s sad to break off a friendship, but sometimes it’s necessary—especially if you think that hanging out with someone who regularly makes poor choices will eventually lead you into making those poor choices too.
Whatever you end up choosing, stay true to yourself and your convictions!
who are the right people?
Your friends have a huge influence on who you are as a person, whether you notice it or not. Pick people who will help you be a good person. These people may not always be the flashiest, most attractive, most popular kids in school. You could find a very good friend in that quiet girl with the too-big clothes and funky glasses. The awkward boy who blinks too much and flaps his hands when he’s nervous. The girl who everyone avoids because of the rash on her arms, the boy who just moved from Kenya, the genius in your math class or the kid who’s always being pulled out for special ed services. Appearances can be deceiving. No matter what they look like or what social status they are, good friends are the ones who you have fun with, who are there for you, who support you, who accept your differences, who don’t try to drag you down, and who genuinely like you.
“If you can't find good friends to surround yourself with, then by all means be on your own. Bad friends corrupt good minds.”
- Edmond Mbiaka
