tips and advice
sharing friends
News flash: In most cases, you are not your friends’ only friend!!! You may be someone’s best friend. You may be the friend that someone has known the longest. But usually, your favorite people will have other people who they enjoy hanging out with as well.
Sometimes this works out great. In college, for example, I made friends with a few different people from different classes, and then it turned out that some of them knew each other, and we all became one big happy group. I met some of my friends’ friends, and they met some of my friends, and voila! Now we all have more friends!
Other times, however, sharing friends doesn’t work out so well. You may become friends with people who don’t get along with each other. Or one of your friends may become jealous of another friend. You might not like some of your friends’ friends, or you might be jealous of the time your friend is spending with somebody else. Things like this happen all the time, and not just in middle and high school.
You need to figure out a way to make it work. If jealousy is the problem, get to know the person you’re jealous of. You might be surprised—maybe you’ll like her. Maybe the two of you will have something in common. Maybe all three of you can start hanging out together—you, your old friend, and your new friend.
Of course, maybe you’ll meet your friend’s friend and you just won’t gel with her. Something about her will annoy you, or her values will be way different from yours, or you’ll just get that feeling that she’s not the kind of person you want to be around. That’s fine too. There’s plenty of love to go around. Just because your best friend likes riding bikes with the new girl, doesn’t mean she no longer likes going shopping with you.
If you have a friend who is feeling jealous or left out because of your new friend(s), try to include her in what you do with your new friend(s). Maybe she’ll end up becoming friends with them too! If that doesn’t work out, at least make sure that you spend some time with everybody—hang out with your old friend one day and your new friend(s) the next day. This way, your old friend will understand that you still like her and want to be around her, but you don’t have to ditch your new friend(s).
If you’re the one feeling left out because your friend is hanging out with someone else, ask if you can join them. If they say no, see if you can hang out with a different friend. If your friend is constantly hanging out with other people and not you, talk to her about it. Tell her that you’re feeling left out and that you want to be included more. It could be that she doesn’t even realize that she’s excluding you.
You are friends with people because you like them. Other people probably like them too. It is possible to be friends with a lot of different people, and to make new friends without losing the old ones. Give your friends’ friends a chance—you may be pleasantly surprised.
Sometimes this works out great. In college, for example, I made friends with a few different people from different classes, and then it turned out that some of them knew each other, and we all became one big happy group. I met some of my friends’ friends, and they met some of my friends, and voila! Now we all have more friends!
Other times, however, sharing friends doesn’t work out so well. You may become friends with people who don’t get along with each other. Or one of your friends may become jealous of another friend. You might not like some of your friends’ friends, or you might be jealous of the time your friend is spending with somebody else. Things like this happen all the time, and not just in middle and high school.
You need to figure out a way to make it work. If jealousy is the problem, get to know the person you’re jealous of. You might be surprised—maybe you’ll like her. Maybe the two of you will have something in common. Maybe all three of you can start hanging out together—you, your old friend, and your new friend.
Of course, maybe you’ll meet your friend’s friend and you just won’t gel with her. Something about her will annoy you, or her values will be way different from yours, or you’ll just get that feeling that she’s not the kind of person you want to be around. That’s fine too. There’s plenty of love to go around. Just because your best friend likes riding bikes with the new girl, doesn’t mean she no longer likes going shopping with you.
If you have a friend who is feeling jealous or left out because of your new friend(s), try to include her in what you do with your new friend(s). Maybe she’ll end up becoming friends with them too! If that doesn’t work out, at least make sure that you spend some time with everybody—hang out with your old friend one day and your new friend(s) the next day. This way, your old friend will understand that you still like her and want to be around her, but you don’t have to ditch your new friend(s).
If you’re the one feeling left out because your friend is hanging out with someone else, ask if you can join them. If they say no, see if you can hang out with a different friend. If your friend is constantly hanging out with other people and not you, talk to her about it. Tell her that you’re feeling left out and that you want to be included more. It could be that she doesn’t even realize that she’s excluding you.
You are friends with people because you like them. Other people probably like them too. It is possible to be friends with a lot of different people, and to make new friends without losing the old ones. Give your friends’ friends a chance—you may be pleasantly surprised.
saying you're sorry/forgiving friends
Sometimes you will do or say something that hurts one of your friends. Or several of your friends. When that is the case, you need to apologize.
It doesn’t matter whether you think you did something wrong or not. If your friend is mad at you, or upset about something related to you, the right thing to do is to talk it over with him or her. Ask exactly what you did that upset your friend. If your friend is misinformed about something, it is okay to correct him and let him know what really happened. It’s also okay to correct misinterpretations—like if your friend thinks a comment you made implied that she was fat, but you didn’t mean it that way, it’s okay to tell her what you really meant. But you should still apologize. Even if you don’t feel that something was your fault, an apology will make your friend feel better, and help him/her see that you care.
Of course, an apology doesn’t automatically fix everything. The pain will still be there, and that’s something you need to work through with your friend. Trying really hard not to do the offending thing again is a good place to start.
The flip side of saying you’re sorry is forgiveness. If you want your friends to forgive you when you mess up, then you should also be willing to forgive them. We all make mistakes. If you have a friend who has upset you in some way, and that friend apologizes for their actions, you should forgive them. That doesn’t mean that you think what they did was okay. It also doesn’t mean that everything is patched up between you and your friend. But forgiveness is the first step toward repairing a broken friendship.
It doesn’t matter whether you think you did something wrong or not. If your friend is mad at you, or upset about something related to you, the right thing to do is to talk it over with him or her. Ask exactly what you did that upset your friend. If your friend is misinformed about something, it is okay to correct him and let him know what really happened. It’s also okay to correct misinterpretations—like if your friend thinks a comment you made implied that she was fat, but you didn’t mean it that way, it’s okay to tell her what you really meant. But you should still apologize. Even if you don’t feel that something was your fault, an apology will make your friend feel better, and help him/her see that you care.
Of course, an apology doesn’t automatically fix everything. The pain will still be there, and that’s something you need to work through with your friend. Trying really hard not to do the offending thing again is a good place to start.
The flip side of saying you’re sorry is forgiveness. If you want your friends to forgive you when you mess up, then you should also be willing to forgive them. We all make mistakes. If you have a friend who has upset you in some way, and that friend apologizes for their actions, you should forgive them. That doesn’t mean that you think what they did was okay. It also doesn’t mean that everything is patched up between you and your friend. But forgiveness is the first step toward repairing a broken friendship.
boy-girl friendships
A boy and a girl who are friends with each other can catch a lot of grief from their other friends, especially in middle school and high school. “Are you sure you’re not boyfriend and girlfriend? Well, you obviously like each other, though, I mean look how much time you spend together…”
Sometimes it might be true. Maybe you do have a crush on one of your friends. Maybe one of your friends has a crush on you. But sometimes, you just like someone of the opposite gender as a person and as a friend, and there’s no romantic attraction on either side.
Please, please, please don’t give up a good friendship because of what people are saying. Maybe you’ve already told everyone that you only like so-and-so as a friend, but they’re still teasing you. Have you explained to the people teasing you that the teasing really bothers you? Let’s say you have, and it didn’t help. Well, then I’d suggest that you just ignore them. You know the truth. Your friend knows the truth. Don’t give up your friendship just because of the things people are saying.
Of course, sometimes a boy-girl friendship does contain romantic elements, on one or both sides. That’s covered in the “Crushes & Dating” section, under the “Crushes” tab.
Sometimes it might be true. Maybe you do have a crush on one of your friends. Maybe one of your friends has a crush on you. But sometimes, you just like someone of the opposite gender as a person and as a friend, and there’s no romantic attraction on either side.
Please, please, please don’t give up a good friendship because of what people are saying. Maybe you’ve already told everyone that you only like so-and-so as a friend, but they’re still teasing you. Have you explained to the people teasing you that the teasing really bothers you? Let’s say you have, and it didn’t help. Well, then I’d suggest that you just ignore them. You know the truth. Your friend knows the truth. Don’t give up your friendship just because of the things people are saying.
Of course, sometimes a boy-girl friendship does contain romantic elements, on one or both sides. That’s covered in the “Crushes & Dating” section, under the “Crushes” tab.
"Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer."
- Ed Cunningham
