tips and advice
sex
My personal opinion on sex is that it should be saved for marriage. That opinion stems from my religious beliefs, but it also just makes sense to me. Sex is something private and intimate—two people sharing their entire bodies with each other. Your entire body is not something that should be shared with a variety of people. It should be reserved for one person who you love with all your heart, one person to whom you've promised you’ll be theirs forever.
Okay, so maybe you feel that way about the person you're currently dating. Here are some more things to take into consideration regarding the choice to have sex:
You could end up pregnant. (Or, if you’re a guy, you could end up getting a girl pregnant.) It will change your life forever. Imagine having to take care of a baby on top of everything else you need/want to do—your homework, your chores, hanging out with your friends, relaxing, maybe holding down a part-time job… And even if you don’t choose to keep the baby, you’ll still have to deal with the changes in your body, the exhaustion, the medical bills, and the memory of a child you never got to know.
You could end up with a sexually-transmitted disease, commonly known as an STD. STDs include AIDS, hepatitis, gonorrhea, human papillomavirus, chancroid, trichomoniasis, chlamydia, and certain kinds of cancer. Some of these diseases are not curable. According to the US Department of Health and Human Services, two in five sexually active teenage girls end up with STDs that lead to infertility (the inability to ever have children in the future) or death. Sexually active teenagers may try to protect against STDs by getting vaccinations or using condoms, but these methods do not always provide 100% protection. The only way to be completely protected from STDs is to not have sex.
Imagine your wedding day. You’ve finally found the person who you are going to spend the rest of your life with. If you’ve never had sex before, then sex with your newly married spouse is this super exciting thing that you get to look forward to!!! If you’ve already had sex, though, then your first time having sex as a married couple is like, “So, we’re married now…but we’ve already done this before, so it’s nothing special.”
You've probably watched TV shows in which the teenage characters are excited to finally not be virgins, or to catch up to "everyone else", or to have those sexual experiences they're so curious about. Don't be like them. It's not worth it. When you meet THE ONE, you'll wish you could go back and erase all your past sexual experiences so you could give all of your "firsts" to THE ONE.
Finally, if you’re someone who’s already had sex, please don’t think for a moment that I’m calling you a bad person or saying anything against you. We all have the opportunity to make our own choices, and every day is a new chance to decide how we want to live.
For more information on this topic, I highly recommend the book For Young Women Only, by Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa A. Rice.
Okay, so maybe you feel that way about the person you're currently dating. Here are some more things to take into consideration regarding the choice to have sex:
You could end up pregnant. (Or, if you’re a guy, you could end up getting a girl pregnant.) It will change your life forever. Imagine having to take care of a baby on top of everything else you need/want to do—your homework, your chores, hanging out with your friends, relaxing, maybe holding down a part-time job… And even if you don’t choose to keep the baby, you’ll still have to deal with the changes in your body, the exhaustion, the medical bills, and the memory of a child you never got to know.
You could end up with a sexually-transmitted disease, commonly known as an STD. STDs include AIDS, hepatitis, gonorrhea, human papillomavirus, chancroid, trichomoniasis, chlamydia, and certain kinds of cancer. Some of these diseases are not curable. According to the US Department of Health and Human Services, two in five sexually active teenage girls end up with STDs that lead to infertility (the inability to ever have children in the future) or death. Sexually active teenagers may try to protect against STDs by getting vaccinations or using condoms, but these methods do not always provide 100% protection. The only way to be completely protected from STDs is to not have sex.
Imagine your wedding day. You’ve finally found the person who you are going to spend the rest of your life with. If you’ve never had sex before, then sex with your newly married spouse is this super exciting thing that you get to look forward to!!! If you’ve already had sex, though, then your first time having sex as a married couple is like, “So, we’re married now…but we’ve already done this before, so it’s nothing special.”
You've probably watched TV shows in which the teenage characters are excited to finally not be virgins, or to catch up to "everyone else", or to have those sexual experiences they're so curious about. Don't be like them. It's not worth it. When you meet THE ONE, you'll wish you could go back and erase all your past sexual experiences so you could give all of your "firsts" to THE ONE.
Finally, if you’re someone who’s already had sex, please don’t think for a moment that I’m calling you a bad person or saying anything against you. We all have the opportunity to make our own choices, and every day is a new chance to decide how we want to live.
For more information on this topic, I highly recommend the book For Young Women Only, by Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa A. Rice.
setting boundaries
When you first start going out with someone, your relationship may not consist of anything physical. You might just get together every now and then to hang out. You might just eat lunch together at school. You might just send Snapchats or texts to each other. Maybe your relationship consists of turning red and saying “hi” when you see each other in the hallway, as you giggle and proudly announce to your friends, “We're going out together.” And you know what? All of that is fine. Being boyfriend and girlfriend DOES NOT mean that you have to start holding hands or kissing or putting your arms around each other or anything like that. You can still be boyfriend and girlfriend even if you don't do anything physical.
But. The longer you date someone, the more likely it is that one or both of you will start pulling the relationship in a more physical direction. If there are lines you don't want to cross, it's important to set boundaries. Boundaries like, "We're not going to hold hands until we've been dating for at least 2 months" or "we're not going to kiss until we've talked it through and decided we're serious about spending our future together." These boundaries should be discussed as soon as the relationship starts getting even a little physical, to make sure you're on the same page. And if you set a specific boundary like the ones listed above, make sure you keep it, because setting a boundary and then not keeping it makes the boundary pointless and opens the door toward all sorts of other crossed lines.
But. The longer you date someone, the more likely it is that one or both of you will start pulling the relationship in a more physical direction. If there are lines you don't want to cross, it's important to set boundaries. Boundaries like, "We're not going to hold hands until we've been dating for at least 2 months" or "we're not going to kiss until we've talked it through and decided we're serious about spending our future together." These boundaries should be discussed as soon as the relationship starts getting even a little physical, to make sure you're on the same page. And if you set a specific boundary like the ones listed above, make sure you keep it, because setting a boundary and then not keeping it makes the boundary pointless and opens the door toward all sorts of other crossed lines.
keeping it under control
Okay. So let’s say you’ve decided that you don’t want to have sex while you’re still in high school, or you don’t want to kiss this new person you’re dating until you’ve gotten to know them better, or you have to get over your cold before you get too physically close to other people. Sounds easy in theory, right? All you have to do is make the choice to not do it.
The problem is, something that sounds easy in theory can be very hard when hormones come into play. When you really like someone, even if you’ve already decided you don’t want to get physical, it can be difficult to pull away once you’re with that person.
What can you do to avoid getting in a situation you don’t want to be in with someone? Here are a few ideas.
The problem is, something that sounds easy in theory can be very hard when hormones come into play. When you really like someone, even if you’ve already decided you don’t want to get physical, it can be difficult to pull away once you’re with that person.
What can you do to avoid getting in a situation you don’t want to be in with someone? Here are a few ideas.
- Hang out together in places where there are lots of other people around. This could be school, a park, a YMCA or teen center, a coffee shop or restaurant, the mall, or any other public place. People generally feel less comfortable interacting physically when they know others may be watching them.
- Go out together with a group of friends. This won’t help if you want to spend a lot of one-on-one time with your significant other, but it’s still a way to be with him/her without the intimacy of being alone.
- Do active activities together. Bike rides, bowling, mini golf, tennis, skating—all ways to keep your bodies busy and apart from each other while still allowing the two of you to experience quality time with one another. I would advise against activities in which physical closeness is a common aspect (football, ballroom dancing, even sports like basketball or soccer in which you’ll have to fight over the ball), as well as activities such as hiking or walking around the neighborhood (unless you are with other people as well).
A relationship without kissing?
American culture glorifies the physical aspect of romantic relationships. In books, movies, and TV shows, every good romance involves, at the very least, a kiss. That’s what makes it a romance, right? That’s what everyone looks forward to—the long-awaited first kiss between the characters you’ve been hoping will get together. In fact, in most media, that first kiss is what signifies that the characters now are together.
I love first kisses in books and on TV. But I always squirmed uncomfortably whenever I pictured myself kissing someone, even someone I really liked. I remember the shocked looks on my friends’ faces when I told them (in my twenties!!) that I was nervous and uncomfortable with the idea of kissing. That when I got into a relationship, I would want to take it nice and slow, spending a lot of time simply hanging out and getting to know my boyfriend on a deep emotional level before even considering kissing him.
For a long time, I believed that it would be difficult for me to find a boyfriend who’d be okay with going that slowly.
I was 29 when I finally discovered that not only was my perspective completely valid, but there are plenty of other people who feel the same way! I have a pair of friends who didn't kiss until after they got engaged because they didn't feel comfortable with it (They're now happily married). I have another pair of friends who are choosing not to kiss until after they get engaged because that's a boundary they set for themselves. Taking it slowly is okay.
I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with a boyfriend and girlfriend kissing each other. But there’s also nothing wrong with a boyfriend and girlfriend not kissing each other. Relationships should be built on compatible personalities, similar morals and values, and an enjoyment of being together. All of these things can develop beautifully before the couple gets physically involved. And when these things have developed first, it makes the eventual physical involvement even more meaningful.
I love first kisses in books and on TV. But I always squirmed uncomfortably whenever I pictured myself kissing someone, even someone I really liked. I remember the shocked looks on my friends’ faces when I told them (in my twenties!!) that I was nervous and uncomfortable with the idea of kissing. That when I got into a relationship, I would want to take it nice and slow, spending a lot of time simply hanging out and getting to know my boyfriend on a deep emotional level before even considering kissing him.
For a long time, I believed that it would be difficult for me to find a boyfriend who’d be okay with going that slowly.
I was 29 when I finally discovered that not only was my perspective completely valid, but there are plenty of other people who feel the same way! I have a pair of friends who didn't kiss until after they got engaged because they didn't feel comfortable with it (They're now happily married). I have another pair of friends who are choosing not to kiss until after they get engaged because that's a boundary they set for themselves. Taking it slowly is okay.
I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with a boyfriend and girlfriend kissing each other. But there’s also nothing wrong with a boyfriend and girlfriend not kissing each other. Relationships should be built on compatible personalities, similar morals and values, and an enjoyment of being together. All of these things can develop beautifully before the couple gets physically involved. And when these things have developed first, it makes the eventual physical involvement even more meaningful.
Wait until you're ready
There is no magical age, or length of dating, when it suddenly becomes the right time to start holding hands or hugging or kissing. It's different for each couple. But if you're not comfortable with something yet, then it is not yet the right time. Have an honest conversation with your significant other and make sure they understand that. And be on watch for "red flags", or signs that maybe the person you're with isn't the best for you. If you tell them "no" and they respect your wishes, that's a good thing. But if you tell them "no" and they repeatedly try to change your mind, that's something to watch out for. And if you tell them "no" and they force you into something, you need to get out of that relationship as soon as possible.
"Love can only ever truly be measured by actions."
- Marian Keyes