tips and advice
sex
My personal opinion on sex is that it should be saved for marriage. That opinion stems from my religious beliefs, but it also just makes sense to me. Think about it. Sex is something private and intimate—two people sharing their entire bodies with each other. Your entire body is not something that should be shared with a variety of people. It should be reserved for one person who you love with all your heart, one person to whom you can promise you’ll be theirs forever.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “But I love my boyfriend with all my heart now. Of course I’ll be his forever. I can’t imagine life without him. I wish I could marry him right now. We’re never, ever, ever going to break up.” Well, I hate to break it to you, but most middle-school and high-school relationships don’t end in marriage. You graduate high school, and then you both go off to different colleges or start different careers and the relationship falls apart. That is, if it didn’t fall apart already in high school. I’m not saying that this is the case in every relationship, and of course no matter what I say you’re going to remain convinced that you and your current boyfriend will last forever. But what if—just what if—things don’t work out the way you’ve planned? What if your relationship ends in a screaming fight and two bitter, broken hearts who hate each other? Do you think you might regret having given him your whole body?
Maybe you are still not convinced. Keep in mind that I’m not trying to tell you that you can’t, or even that you shouldn’t; I’m just sharing my opinions about why I believe sex outside of marriage is not a good idea. Here are some more reasons:
You could end up pregnant. (Or, if you’re a guy, you could end up getting a girl pregnant.) While pregnancy is usually a joyful thing for a woman who already has a husband and a house and a job, it doesn’t tend to be particularly exciting for a teenage girl who’s still trying to make it through high school. It will change your life forever. Imagine having to take care of a baby on top of everything else you need/want to do—your homework, your chores, hanging out with your friends, relaxing, maybe holding down a part-time job… And even if you don’t choose to keep the baby, you’ll still have to deal with the changes in your body, the exhaustion, the medical bills. And the memory of a child you never got to know.
You could also end up with a sexually-transmitted disease, commonly known as an STD. STDs include AIDS, hepatitis, gonorrhea, human papillomavirus, chancroid, trichomoniasis, chlamydia, and certain kinds of cancer. Some of these diseases are not curable. According to the US Department of Health and Human Services, two in five sexually active teenage girls end up with STDs that lead to infertility (the inability to ever have children in the future) or death. Sexually active teenagers may try to protect against STDs by getting vaccinations or using condoms, but these methods do not always provide 100% protection. The only way to be completely protected from STDs is to not have sex.
Finally, imagine your wedding day. You’ve finally found the person who you are going to spend the rest of your life with. If you’ve never had sex before, then sex with your newly married spouse is this super exciting thing that you get to look forward to!!! If you’ve already had sex before, though, then your first time having sex as a married couple is like, “So, we’re married now…but we’ve already done this before, so it’s nothing special.”
One final thought: if you do choose to have sex before you get married, make sure it's something you've thought through, rather than something you decided to do on a whim. Don't just do it because someone's pressuring you to or because you don't want to be the only one of your friends who's still a virgin. And please, please don't hook up with someone just for the sake of hooking up. Word gets around. If people hear that you’re the type of person who’ll have sex with anyone, you’ll have a lot of not-so-great characters lining up to get with you, and you’ll greatly decrease your chance of having any honest, faithful, “good boyfriend/girlfriend” types want to date you.
If you’re someone who’s already had sex—even with more than one person—please don’t think for a moment that I’m calling you a bad person or saying anything against you. Remember that this is my opinion based on what makes sense to me. What makes sense to you may be entirely different. One of the great things about life is that we all have the opportunity to make our own choices, and that every day is a new chance to decide how we want to live.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “But I love my boyfriend with all my heart now. Of course I’ll be his forever. I can’t imagine life without him. I wish I could marry him right now. We’re never, ever, ever going to break up.” Well, I hate to break it to you, but most middle-school and high-school relationships don’t end in marriage. You graduate high school, and then you both go off to different colleges or start different careers and the relationship falls apart. That is, if it didn’t fall apart already in high school. I’m not saying that this is the case in every relationship, and of course no matter what I say you’re going to remain convinced that you and your current boyfriend will last forever. But what if—just what if—things don’t work out the way you’ve planned? What if your relationship ends in a screaming fight and two bitter, broken hearts who hate each other? Do you think you might regret having given him your whole body?
Maybe you are still not convinced. Keep in mind that I’m not trying to tell you that you can’t, or even that you shouldn’t; I’m just sharing my opinions about why I believe sex outside of marriage is not a good idea. Here are some more reasons:
You could end up pregnant. (Or, if you’re a guy, you could end up getting a girl pregnant.) While pregnancy is usually a joyful thing for a woman who already has a husband and a house and a job, it doesn’t tend to be particularly exciting for a teenage girl who’s still trying to make it through high school. It will change your life forever. Imagine having to take care of a baby on top of everything else you need/want to do—your homework, your chores, hanging out with your friends, relaxing, maybe holding down a part-time job… And even if you don’t choose to keep the baby, you’ll still have to deal with the changes in your body, the exhaustion, the medical bills. And the memory of a child you never got to know.
You could also end up with a sexually-transmitted disease, commonly known as an STD. STDs include AIDS, hepatitis, gonorrhea, human papillomavirus, chancroid, trichomoniasis, chlamydia, and certain kinds of cancer. Some of these diseases are not curable. According to the US Department of Health and Human Services, two in five sexually active teenage girls end up with STDs that lead to infertility (the inability to ever have children in the future) or death. Sexually active teenagers may try to protect against STDs by getting vaccinations or using condoms, but these methods do not always provide 100% protection. The only way to be completely protected from STDs is to not have sex.
Finally, imagine your wedding day. You’ve finally found the person who you are going to spend the rest of your life with. If you’ve never had sex before, then sex with your newly married spouse is this super exciting thing that you get to look forward to!!! If you’ve already had sex before, though, then your first time having sex as a married couple is like, “So, we’re married now…but we’ve already done this before, so it’s nothing special.”
One final thought: if you do choose to have sex before you get married, make sure it's something you've thought through, rather than something you decided to do on a whim. Don't just do it because someone's pressuring you to or because you don't want to be the only one of your friends who's still a virgin. And please, please don't hook up with someone just for the sake of hooking up. Word gets around. If people hear that you’re the type of person who’ll have sex with anyone, you’ll have a lot of not-so-great characters lining up to get with you, and you’ll greatly decrease your chance of having any honest, faithful, “good boyfriend/girlfriend” types want to date you.
If you’re someone who’s already had sex—even with more than one person—please don’t think for a moment that I’m calling you a bad person or saying anything against you. Remember that this is my opinion based on what makes sense to me. What makes sense to you may be entirely different. One of the great things about life is that we all have the opportunity to make our own choices, and that every day is a new chance to decide how we want to live.
when you're ready
When you first start going out with someone, your relationship may not consist of anything physical. You might just get together every now and then to hang out. You might just eat lunch together at school. You might just chat on Facebook, or Snapchat each other, or text back and forth. Maybe your relationship consists of turning red and saying “hi” when you see each other in the hallway, as you giggle and proudly announce to your friends, “We're going out together.” (pretty typical of a middle-school relationship). And you know what? All of that is fine. Being boyfriend and girlfriend DOES NOT mean that you have to start holding hands or kissing or putting your arms around each other or anything like that. You can still be boyfriend and girlfriend even if you don't do anything physical.
But. As you get older, you’ll probably eventually end up having a relationship that involves at least some of those physical aspects. And the questions that might arise then are things like, “when should we kiss?” and “where is it appropriate to hold hands?”
It’s up to YOU. Well, you and your significant other. Some places, such as your classroom, just aren’t appropriate for hugging and kissing. Other places, like anywhere with a million people zipping around, may not be too advisable either. (Do you really want to be one of those couples at your high school who looks like they’re glued together at the mouth? Really? You know what couples I’m talking about; every school has them!) Do you like being around kissing couples? I’d venture a guess that, for most people, being around a couple who’s constantly kissing each other is kind of uncomfortable. Just something to keep in mind.
The other thing to keep in mind is that you should not be involved in any physical relationship until you’re ready. There’s no magical age where kissing suddenly becomes okay. It’s different for everyone. And there’s nothing wrong with not being ready yet. Don’t feel like you have to have your first kiss just because all your friends have had theirs. I’m 22, and I haven’t had my first kiss yet, and I’m perfectly okay with that. Don’t rush a relationship. Enjoy it for what it is. And if your significant other is ready to get into a physical relationship and you’re not, let your significant other know that you’re not ready! If you are dating someone decent, they will understand, and wait until you’re ready. If you’re dating someone who tries to coax (or force) you into anything you’re not ready for, break up with them. It’s that simple. You need to feel comfortable with the person you’re dating.
But. As you get older, you’ll probably eventually end up having a relationship that involves at least some of those physical aspects. And the questions that might arise then are things like, “when should we kiss?” and “where is it appropriate to hold hands?”
It’s up to YOU. Well, you and your significant other. Some places, such as your classroom, just aren’t appropriate for hugging and kissing. Other places, like anywhere with a million people zipping around, may not be too advisable either. (Do you really want to be one of those couples at your high school who looks like they’re glued together at the mouth? Really? You know what couples I’m talking about; every school has them!) Do you like being around kissing couples? I’d venture a guess that, for most people, being around a couple who’s constantly kissing each other is kind of uncomfortable. Just something to keep in mind.
The other thing to keep in mind is that you should not be involved in any physical relationship until you’re ready. There’s no magical age where kissing suddenly becomes okay. It’s different for everyone. And there’s nothing wrong with not being ready yet. Don’t feel like you have to have your first kiss just because all your friends have had theirs. I’m 22, and I haven’t had my first kiss yet, and I’m perfectly okay with that. Don’t rush a relationship. Enjoy it for what it is. And if your significant other is ready to get into a physical relationship and you’re not, let your significant other know that you’re not ready! If you are dating someone decent, they will understand, and wait until you’re ready. If you’re dating someone who tries to coax (or force) you into anything you’re not ready for, break up with them. It’s that simple. You need to feel comfortable with the person you’re dating.
keeping it under control
Okay. So let’s say you’ve decided that you don’t want to have sex while you’re still in high school, or you don’t want to kiss this new person you’re dating until you’ve gotten to know them better, or you have to get over your cold before you get too physically close to other people. Sounds easy in theory, right? All you have to do is make the choice to not do it.
The problem is, something that sounds easy in theory can be very hard when hormones come into play. When you really like someone, even if you’ve already decided you don’t want to get physical, it can be difficult to pull away once you’re with that person.
What can you do to avoid getting in a situation you don’t want to be in with someone? Here are a few ideas.
The problem is, something that sounds easy in theory can be very hard when hormones come into play. When you really like someone, even if you’ve already decided you don’t want to get physical, it can be difficult to pull away once you’re with that person.
What can you do to avoid getting in a situation you don’t want to be in with someone? Here are a few ideas.
- Hang out together in places where there are lots of other people around. This could be school, a park, a YMCA or teen center, a coffee shop or restaurant, the mall, or any other public place. You don’t need to interact with the other people, but having them around will automatically help. People generally feel less comfortable interacting physically when they know others may be watching them. (Just, you know, don’t pick somewhere where all the people around you will be making out the whole time!)
- Go out together with a group of friends. This won’t help if you want to spend a lot of one-on-one time with your significant other, but it’s still a way to be with him/her without the intimacy of being alone.
- Do active activities together. Bike rides, bowling, mini golf, tennis, skating—all ways to keep your bodies busy and apart from each other while still allowing the two of you to experience quality time with one another. I would advise against activities in which physical closeness is a common aspect (football, ballroom dancing, even sports like basketball or soccer in which you’ll have to fight over the ball), as well as activities such as hiking or walking around the neighborhood (unless you are with other people as well).
A relationship without kissing?
American culture glorifies the physical aspect of romantic relationships. In books, movies, and TV shows, every good romance involves, at the very least, a kiss. That’s what makes it a romance, right? That’s what everyone looks forward to—the long-awaited first kiss between the characters you’ve been hoping will get together. In fact, in most media, that first kiss is what signifies that the characters now are together.
I love first kisses in books and on TV. But I always squirmed uncomfortably whenever I pictured myself kissing someone, even someone I really liked. I remember the shocked looks on my friends’ faces when I told them (in my twenties!!) that I was nervous and uncomfortable with the idea of kissing. That when I got into a relationship, I would want to take it nice and slow, spending a lot of time simply hanging out and getting to know my boyfriend on a deep emotional level before even considering kissing him.
For a long time, I believed that it would be difficult for me to find a boyfriend who’d be okay with going that slowly.
I was 29 when I finally discovered that not only was my perspective completely valid, but there are plenty of other people who feel the same way! I have a pair of friends who have been dating each other for several months and plan to spend their future together, but still haven’t kissed because they don’t yet feel comfortable with that. I have other friends who come from cultures in which it’s expected that a couple’s first kiss will happen on their wedding day. Taking it slowly is okay.
I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with a boyfriend and girlfriend kissing each other. But there’s also nothing wrong with a boyfriend and girlfriend not kissing each other. Relationships should be built on compatible personalities, similar morals and values, and an enjoyment of being together. All of these things can develop beautifully before the couple gets physically involved. And when these things have developed first, it makes the eventual physical involvement even more meaningful.
I love first kisses in books and on TV. But I always squirmed uncomfortably whenever I pictured myself kissing someone, even someone I really liked. I remember the shocked looks on my friends’ faces when I told them (in my twenties!!) that I was nervous and uncomfortable with the idea of kissing. That when I got into a relationship, I would want to take it nice and slow, spending a lot of time simply hanging out and getting to know my boyfriend on a deep emotional level before even considering kissing him.
For a long time, I believed that it would be difficult for me to find a boyfriend who’d be okay with going that slowly.
I was 29 when I finally discovered that not only was my perspective completely valid, but there are plenty of other people who feel the same way! I have a pair of friends who have been dating each other for several months and plan to spend their future together, but still haven’t kissed because they don’t yet feel comfortable with that. I have other friends who come from cultures in which it’s expected that a couple’s first kiss will happen on their wedding day. Taking it slowly is okay.
I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with a boyfriend and girlfriend kissing each other. But there’s also nothing wrong with a boyfriend and girlfriend not kissing each other. Relationships should be built on compatible personalities, similar morals and values, and an enjoyment of being together. All of these things can develop beautifully before the couple gets physically involved. And when these things have developed first, it makes the eventual physical involvement even more meaningful.
"Love can only ever truly be measured by actions."
- Marian Keyes
