Peer pressure. It’s when your peers (i.e., classmates, friends, siblings, teammates, etc.) influence your behavior by what they say or do. Peer pressure is something everyone experiences, whether they know it or not. Sometimes it’s intentional, sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes it’s as simple as the fact that all your peers are wearing a certain kind of clothing or participating in a certain kind of activity, and you want to be like everybody else. Peer pressure is not always bad, but if you’re not careful, it can turn you into someone you don’t even know.
tips and advice
why not just give in?
Everyone likes to be liked. It can be uncomfortable if you’re the only one not drinking, not swearing, not wearing the same clothes as everyone else. You don’t want to feel like the oddball, right? You want to fit in with your friends. And especially if you have friends who are trying to persuade you to do something, you might want to do it just to please them, even if it’s something you wouldn’t normally do.
In some cases, this is fine, even harmless. It’s okay for friends to encourage each other to try new things. There’s nothing wrong with going on that huge roller coaster with your significant other, or tasting yakitori with your Japanese friend, or taking a scuba diving class with your buddies. The problem is when people persuade you to do things that are harmful, illegal, morally wrong, or against your personal beliefs.
The compromises may seem insignificant at first. You have a few sips of beer at a party. You throw around a couple words that you wouldn’t usually say, just because you want to sound like everyone else. You start wearing the brands of clothes the popular kids wear, because you want them to notice you. Harmless, right?
But maybe at the next party, remembering how a couple sips of beer didn’t hurt you, you drink a whole bottle this time. And at the next party you drink two. And at the next one you get drunk. Maybe you get so used to swearing around your friends that those words become part of your everyday vocabulary, and one day one slips out around your six-year-old sister. Maybe the trendy clothes you bought didn’t attract the attention you wanted, so you buy more and more until you’re broke. Or maybe they did attract the attention you wanted, and now you hang out with people who like you solely because of your wardrobe choice.
Whenever you give in to peer pressure, you change a little bit of who you are. Sometimes that can be a good thing—like when your significant other persuaded you to try that roller coaster and you became a little more adventurous. Other times it can be a bad thing, causing you to lose your compassion, your morals, or your sense of self.
In some cases, this is fine, even harmless. It’s okay for friends to encourage each other to try new things. There’s nothing wrong with going on that huge roller coaster with your significant other, or tasting yakitori with your Japanese friend, or taking a scuba diving class with your buddies. The problem is when people persuade you to do things that are harmful, illegal, morally wrong, or against your personal beliefs.
The compromises may seem insignificant at first. You have a few sips of beer at a party. You throw around a couple words that you wouldn’t usually say, just because you want to sound like everyone else. You start wearing the brands of clothes the popular kids wear, because you want them to notice you. Harmless, right?
But maybe at the next party, remembering how a couple sips of beer didn’t hurt you, you drink a whole bottle this time. And at the next party you drink two. And at the next one you get drunk. Maybe you get so used to swearing around your friends that those words become part of your everyday vocabulary, and one day one slips out around your six-year-old sister. Maybe the trendy clothes you bought didn’t attract the attention you wanted, so you buy more and more until you’re broke. Or maybe they did attract the attention you wanted, and now you hang out with people who like you solely because of your wardrobe choice.
Whenever you give in to peer pressure, you change a little bit of who you are. Sometimes that can be a good thing—like when your significant other persuaded you to try that roller coaster and you became a little more adventurous. Other times it can be a bad thing, causing you to lose your compassion, your morals, or your sense of self.
how to keep yourself in check
Before you give in to any sort of peer pressure, ask yourself these questions:
If you answered no to any of the above questions, you should give your friends a polite “no thank you” to whatever they’re trying to persuade you to do. And whenever you’re tempted to do something that everybody else is doing, think carefully, What is my reason for doing this? If you’re getting your hair cut because you’re gonna love your new style, great! If you’re getting your hair cut because you want to match everyone else’s style or because you want your crush to notice you, think again. Don’t be afraid to be different. Don’t be afraid to be YOU.
- Is it legal? If someone convinces you to do something illegal, you could get in serious trouble with the law. You might think, “I’ll be careful, I won’t get caught” but you have no guarantee of that.
- Is it morally right? Something can be legal and still morally wrong. For example, there’s no U.S. law against lying to your parents, but that still doesn’t make it okay.
- Is it something that won’t hurt anybody, physically or emotionally? You don’t want to do anything that could cause physical harm to yourself or anyone else. Likewise, you don’t want to do anything that could make someone sad or hurt their feelings.
- Is it something that stands strong with your personal beliefs and convictions? In addition to the fairly universal standards of morals and legality, you probably have some of your own opinions about wrong and right. These may stem from your religious beliefs or your personal philosophy on life. Whatever you do, don’t compromise these! They are the foundation of what makes you you.
If you answered no to any of the above questions, you should give your friends a polite “no thank you” to whatever they’re trying to persuade you to do. And whenever you’re tempted to do something that everybody else is doing, think carefully, What is my reason for doing this? If you’re getting your hair cut because you’re gonna love your new style, great! If you’re getting your hair cut because you want to match everyone else’s style or because you want your crush to notice you, think again. Don’t be afraid to be different. Don’t be afraid to be YOU.
how to be cool while not giving in
Stand your ground. Act like you own your decision. If you’re cool with who you are, if you’re firm in your convictions no matter what, people will respect you. You may even inspire other people to stand their ground and be who they are. You’ll be a leader, not a follower, and that’s a good thing. Once you have a reputation of being someone who doesn’t fall to peer pressure, people will lose interest in trying to get you to do things you don’t want to do, because they’ll know you won’t budge.
One of my favorite quotes is the following, by Marianne Williamson:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Be that light. Don’t be afraid of what other people think of you. Shine who you are, and watch as others follow in your footsteps.
One of my favorite quotes is the following, by Marianne Williamson:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Be that light. Don’t be afraid of what other people think of you. Shine who you are, and watch as others follow in your footsteps.
what if you're the one doing the pressuring?
Understand that everyone has their own likes and dislikes, their own levels of confidence and comfort in various situations. Of course it’s all right to encourage your friends to do things (legal, morally right, harmless things), and it’s okay, if they say no the first time, to ask again to see if they’ve changed their mind. But if they’ve told you no over and over, stop nagging them about it. Everyone is different, and something that seems totally fun and exciting to you may be the worst kind of torture for your friend.
Keep in mind also that your various friends may have beliefs and convictions that are different from yours. Respect that, and don’t try to convince them to do something that goes against what they personally believe.
Keep in mind also that your various friends may have beliefs and convictions that are different from yours. Respect that, and don’t try to convince them to do something that goes against what they personally believe.
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My song "Once" tells the story of someone who gave into peer pressure and the effects it had on their life. Listen here or go to the song page to read the full story of what inspired the song!
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"Stay true to yourself. An original is always worth more than a copy."
- Suzy Kassem
