tips and advice
making friends: look for an outsider
If you're like me, you're kind of introverted and self-conscious, and might have a hard time figuring out how to enter a new social situation with a big group of people. My suggestion is to look for someone who seems to be standing apart from the others, or who doesn’t seem to have any good friends in the group. Chances are, there will be someone like that no matter where you are. I’m not saying you can’t just throw yourself into the whole group, or get to know the kids who already have friends there. I’ve just found that it’s easier to start a conversation with someone who’s not already hanging out with three of their best friends. And hey, maybe that person feels the same way you do—a little awkward, a little uncomfortable, a little unsure. If you go over and strike up a conversation with her/him, it’ll make the experience more enjoyable for both of you!
making friends: be social
I’ll let you in on a secret: Being social is really hard for me sometimes. I am naturally an introvert. Although I enjoy interacting with people, it can sometimes be a lot of work. I worry about whether the people I’m interacting with actually want to be talking to me or if they’d rather be doing something else. I worry about whether they actually like me or are just being nice to me because they’re nice people and don’t want to hurt my feelings. And when I’m around people who I don’t know very well, or don’t know at all—yikes! More often than not, I tend to separate myself from other people, going off and sitting by myself rather than being that random girl who asks, “Mind if I join you?”
BUT. Here’s the thing. What I just described to you is exactly what I want you NOT to do. I know, I know—I sound like a hypocrite. But I’m trying to follow my own advice as well. Lately, I’ve been forcing myself to step out of my comfort zone, to strike up a conversation with people I don’t know, to hang out with people I want to get to know better without worrying about whether they want me there or not. And it’s been working out pretty well for me. I have a lot of great memories and new friends that I certainly wouldn’t have if I’d just kept isolating myself all the time.
It can be nerve-wracking, I know, going up to a new group or person and asking to join them. But think about it. What’s the worst that can happen? You won’t end up becoming friends with them? Well, you’re not friends with them now, so what do you have to lose? Things can only get better! Chances are, if you take the first step toward getting to know someone, they’ll see you as a friendly person. Usually, a great friendship doesn’t blossom overnight, but the more time you spend together, the more memories you’ll have together, and shared memories can give you something to talk about next time… which will lead to you making more memories with that person! Fact: you don’t make friends by avoiding people.
Be brave. Be bold. Be assertive—not in a mean or bullyish way, but in a way that lets people know that you are not to be ignored. Don’t try to tag along with someone every single second, but don’t run away from them either. Remember that not every person you ever talk to is going to become your friend, but if you want someone as your friend, sometimes you have to be the one who makes the first move.
BUT. Here’s the thing. What I just described to you is exactly what I want you NOT to do. I know, I know—I sound like a hypocrite. But I’m trying to follow my own advice as well. Lately, I’ve been forcing myself to step out of my comfort zone, to strike up a conversation with people I don’t know, to hang out with people I want to get to know better without worrying about whether they want me there or not. And it’s been working out pretty well for me. I have a lot of great memories and new friends that I certainly wouldn’t have if I’d just kept isolating myself all the time.
It can be nerve-wracking, I know, going up to a new group or person and asking to join them. But think about it. What’s the worst that can happen? You won’t end up becoming friends with them? Well, you’re not friends with them now, so what do you have to lose? Things can only get better! Chances are, if you take the first step toward getting to know someone, they’ll see you as a friendly person. Usually, a great friendship doesn’t blossom overnight, but the more time you spend together, the more memories you’ll have together, and shared memories can give you something to talk about next time… which will lead to you making more memories with that person! Fact: you don’t make friends by avoiding people.
Be brave. Be bold. Be assertive—not in a mean or bullyish way, but in a way that lets people know that you are not to be ignored. Don’t try to tag along with someone every single second, but don’t run away from them either. Remember that not every person you ever talk to is going to become your friend, but if you want someone as your friend, sometimes you have to be the one who makes the first move.
making friends: don't be overbearing
So you’ve found someone you want to be friends with. Great! It’s now time to take initiative. Strike up a conversation with her. Invite her to do something with you. Send a Facebook friend request, follow her on Instagram or Twitter, ask for her phone number and Snapchat username. These days, we have endless ways to stay in touch with people.
But there’s a fine line between staying in touch and being overbearing. Staying in touch means that you talk to the person when you see him at school or work or wherever you know him from, you get together to hang out outside of that context from time to time, you maybe Like a few of his posts and send him the occasional message. All of that is fine. Your new friend will probably appreciate that. What your new friend probably won’t appreciate, though, is if you start following him everywhere he goes (the other word for that is “stalking”), tagging him in ten posts a day, insisting on hanging out with him all day, every day, and sending him a text every hour about how you’re now eating dinner or doing your homework or going to the bathroom. He would probably start to get tired of you very quickly (and possibly find you somewhat creepy).
Once you are better friends with someone, getting together more often will just come naturally. You’ll both want to see each other more, so you’ll mutually start texting each other more frequently, communicating more on social media, and doing more things together both inside and outside of the environment from which you know each other. But the beginning steps of friendship have to come first, and you don’t want to miss out on a potentially good friendship by acting like a stalker.
But there’s a fine line between staying in touch and being overbearing. Staying in touch means that you talk to the person when you see him at school or work or wherever you know him from, you get together to hang out outside of that context from time to time, you maybe Like a few of his posts and send him the occasional message. All of that is fine. Your new friend will probably appreciate that. What your new friend probably won’t appreciate, though, is if you start following him everywhere he goes (the other word for that is “stalking”), tagging him in ten posts a day, insisting on hanging out with him all day, every day, and sending him a text every hour about how you’re now eating dinner or doing your homework or going to the bathroom. He would probably start to get tired of you very quickly (and possibly find you somewhat creepy).
Once you are better friends with someone, getting together more often will just come naturally. You’ll both want to see each other more, so you’ll mutually start texting each other more frequently, communicating more on social media, and doing more things together both inside and outside of the environment from which you know each other. But the beginning steps of friendship have to come first, and you don’t want to miss out on a potentially good friendship by acting like a stalker.
“Go out into the world today and love the people you meet. Let your presence light new light in the hearts of others.”
- Mother Teresa