tips and advice
listening
One of the most important parts of being a friend is just being there to listen. Sometimes you may want to do all the talking. And there are times when it’s okay to do all the talking—but not all the time. Sometimes, your friend might need just to get something off his or her mind, or tell you about something exciting that happened to them. If your friend is super excited, or fiercely angry, or heartbreakingly sad about something, they might just want somebody to talk to about whatever it is. They don’t want your input. They don’t want you to interrupt and start talking about something exciting you did, or start rambling about your miseries, or telling them that they should have handled something differently. They just want you to listen.
So, listen. Of course, “listen” doesn’t mean that you sit there and stare off into space while your friend pours her heart out. Look your friend in the eye, nod to show you’re following what she’s saying, and stay focused. If you’re unsure of what she’s talking about at some point, it’s okay to ask for clarification, but don’t probe too much. Let her tell you what she wants to tell you. Sometimes people only want to be heard.
Obviously, it would be unfair to expect you to listen when your friends need someone to talk to, and then not give you a chance to do the talking. When you have something you need to tell someone about, your good friends should stop and listen. I’m not saying they will. I’m just saying they should. If they don’t, it doesn’t mean they’re not your friends or they don’t care about you. It just means that they might not know how, or that they might not realize that this is something that you need to tell someone who will just listen. If this seems to be the case, maybe tell them ahead of time, before you start talking about whatever it is. Start with, “I want to tell you this, but I don’t want you to say anything just yet. For now, I just want you to listen to what I’m saying.”
Some people are naturally better listeners than others. If you’re not a natural listener, don’t worry. Just do the best you can. Try to put yourself in your friend’s perspective—think about how she’s feeling right now. And just be there, be that person that your friend can not only have fun with when she’s feeling great, but also turn to when she needs someone to listen.
So, listen. Of course, “listen” doesn’t mean that you sit there and stare off into space while your friend pours her heart out. Look your friend in the eye, nod to show you’re following what she’s saying, and stay focused. If you’re unsure of what she’s talking about at some point, it’s okay to ask for clarification, but don’t probe too much. Let her tell you what she wants to tell you. Sometimes people only want to be heard.
Obviously, it would be unfair to expect you to listen when your friends need someone to talk to, and then not give you a chance to do the talking. When you have something you need to tell someone about, your good friends should stop and listen. I’m not saying they will. I’m just saying they should. If they don’t, it doesn’t mean they’re not your friends or they don’t care about you. It just means that they might not know how, or that they might not realize that this is something that you need to tell someone who will just listen. If this seems to be the case, maybe tell them ahead of time, before you start talking about whatever it is. Start with, “I want to tell you this, but I don’t want you to say anything just yet. For now, I just want you to listen to what I’m saying.”
Some people are naturally better listeners than others. If you’re not a natural listener, don’t worry. Just do the best you can. Try to put yourself in your friend’s perspective—think about how she’s feeling right now. And just be there, be that person that your friend can not only have fun with when she’s feeling great, but also turn to when she needs someone to listen.
loyalty
Being loyal means that you are faithful to your friends. You stand up for them. You don’t betray them or sell them out. You’re there for them. Your friends can trust you.
Imagine that someone is being mean to your best friend. You’re right there, and you have three options: you can join in, do nothing, or stand up for your friend. I think we all know why joining in and being mean to your friend would not be the right thing to do. But doing nothing could be just as bad. If you stand by and watch while someone’s picking on your friend, you’re sending a lot of unpleasant messages to your friend. Stuff like, “I don’t care enough about you to stand up for you” and “I agree with what that person is telling you”.
If you stand up for your friend, it sends different messages. Standing up for your friends affirms that you care about them, that you’re there for them, and that you’ll do your best to help them when they need help. Everyone likes to know that they have someone on their side, someone who will stick with them no matter what.
As you travel through middle school, high school, and even college and adulthood, you’ll be faced with a lot of choices regarding your friendships. You will certainly be meeting new people who could potentially become your friends, and chances are, you won’t stay friends with the exact same people throughout your entire life. It’s perfectly natural to start growing apart from some of your friends as you grow older. It’s perfectly natural to start hanging out with kids other than the ones you knew in elementary school.
But here’s the thing. Don’t sell out your old friends for your new ones. You can be loyal to an old friend even if you don’t hang out with her anymore. You don’t have to tell your new high school friends that your best friend from middle school used to wet her bed when she was little, or that she’s terrified of spiders, or that she failed seventh-grade social studies. Whether you are still friends with her or not, it doesn’t matter—if she shared her secrets with you at some point in the past, it would be in extremely poor taste for you to betray her confidence by divulging her personal information to others.
The same goes for any time a friend tells you a secret, whether it’s a secret about a crush, a fear, an embarrassing moment, or a private wish.* If your friend is telling you something that she doesn’t want you to tell anyone else, that means she trusts you. Don’t break her trust by spreading her secret around. It’s very hard to maintain a friendship when friends feel that they can’t trust each other.
*There are some cases in which it is okay to share a friend’s secret with somebody. For example, if your friend tells you that she/someone she knows is being abused, doing drugs, hurting herself or others, or considering committing suicide, then it would be important to notify a parent, teacher, guidance counselor, or other adult you can trust.
Imagine that someone is being mean to your best friend. You’re right there, and you have three options: you can join in, do nothing, or stand up for your friend. I think we all know why joining in and being mean to your friend would not be the right thing to do. But doing nothing could be just as bad. If you stand by and watch while someone’s picking on your friend, you’re sending a lot of unpleasant messages to your friend. Stuff like, “I don’t care enough about you to stand up for you” and “I agree with what that person is telling you”.
If you stand up for your friend, it sends different messages. Standing up for your friends affirms that you care about them, that you’re there for them, and that you’ll do your best to help them when they need help. Everyone likes to know that they have someone on their side, someone who will stick with them no matter what.
As you travel through middle school, high school, and even college and adulthood, you’ll be faced with a lot of choices regarding your friendships. You will certainly be meeting new people who could potentially become your friends, and chances are, you won’t stay friends with the exact same people throughout your entire life. It’s perfectly natural to start growing apart from some of your friends as you grow older. It’s perfectly natural to start hanging out with kids other than the ones you knew in elementary school.
But here’s the thing. Don’t sell out your old friends for your new ones. You can be loyal to an old friend even if you don’t hang out with her anymore. You don’t have to tell your new high school friends that your best friend from middle school used to wet her bed when she was little, or that she’s terrified of spiders, or that she failed seventh-grade social studies. Whether you are still friends with her or not, it doesn’t matter—if she shared her secrets with you at some point in the past, it would be in extremely poor taste for you to betray her confidence by divulging her personal information to others.
The same goes for any time a friend tells you a secret, whether it’s a secret about a crush, a fear, an embarrassing moment, or a private wish.* If your friend is telling you something that she doesn’t want you to tell anyone else, that means she trusts you. Don’t break her trust by spreading her secret around. It’s very hard to maintain a friendship when friends feel that they can’t trust each other.
*There are some cases in which it is okay to share a friend’s secret with somebody. For example, if your friend tells you that she/someone she knows is being abused, doing drugs, hurting herself or others, or considering committing suicide, then it would be important to notify a parent, teacher, guidance counselor, or other adult you can trust.
honesty
Being honest means that you tell the truth. Honesty is important for the same reason reliability is important—your friends should be able to trust you.
Let’s say that you have a friend named Abby and a friend named Brenna. Abby has been your best friend since elementary school, and Brenna is a relatively new friend. Brenna invites you to go to the mall with her on Saturday and you accept. Then you get a call from Abby asking if you want to hang out with her on Saturday. You don’t want to admit that you’re already hanging out with Brenna, so you lie and tell Abby that you have to stay home and do homework. Then, when you and Brenna go to the mall, you end up running into Abby.
Ouch! Tough situation! Now Abby’s feelings are hurt because you lied to her. To add to that, if Abby says something like, “But you said you were doing homework!” then Brenna knows you lied as well.
A better way to handle the situation would have been either to invite Abby to come to the mall with you and Brenna, or to tell Abby, “I already told someone else I’d hang out with her this weekend; how about next weekend?” It’s possible that Abby might be a little bit let down that you’re hanging out with someone else rather than with her. But that’s nowhere near as let down as she’d feel if she found out you’d lied to her. If you’re honest with your friends, you’ll avoid a lot of sticky situations caused by lying.
Being honest with your friends doesn’t mean you have to tell them absolutely everything. It doesn’t mean you should tell them absolutely everything. If you think your friend’s new hairstyle is ugly, that’s probably something you should keep to yourself. If something is going on in your family that you’d prefer for your friends not to know about, you don’t have to tell them about it—but it’s best not to lie about it either. You could just say, “I don’t want to talk about that right now.” And of course, the same goes for if you know something private about someone else, or if one of your friends has specifically asked you not to tell your other friends about something. If one of your friends asks you something about another friend, you can say, “I promised not to tell anyone what she told me. Maybe you could ask her about it.”
Being honest helps your friends know they can trust you. Everybody wants friends who they can trust.
Let’s say that you have a friend named Abby and a friend named Brenna. Abby has been your best friend since elementary school, and Brenna is a relatively new friend. Brenna invites you to go to the mall with her on Saturday and you accept. Then you get a call from Abby asking if you want to hang out with her on Saturday. You don’t want to admit that you’re already hanging out with Brenna, so you lie and tell Abby that you have to stay home and do homework. Then, when you and Brenna go to the mall, you end up running into Abby.
Ouch! Tough situation! Now Abby’s feelings are hurt because you lied to her. To add to that, if Abby says something like, “But you said you were doing homework!” then Brenna knows you lied as well.
A better way to handle the situation would have been either to invite Abby to come to the mall with you and Brenna, or to tell Abby, “I already told someone else I’d hang out with her this weekend; how about next weekend?” It’s possible that Abby might be a little bit let down that you’re hanging out with someone else rather than with her. But that’s nowhere near as let down as she’d feel if she found out you’d lied to her. If you’re honest with your friends, you’ll avoid a lot of sticky situations caused by lying.
Being honest with your friends doesn’t mean you have to tell them absolutely everything. It doesn’t mean you should tell them absolutely everything. If you think your friend’s new hairstyle is ugly, that’s probably something you should keep to yourself. If something is going on in your family that you’d prefer for your friends not to know about, you don’t have to tell them about it—but it’s best not to lie about it either. You could just say, “I don’t want to talk about that right now.” And of course, the same goes for if you know something private about someone else, or if one of your friends has specifically asked you not to tell your other friends about something. If one of your friends asks you something about another friend, you can say, “I promised not to tell anyone what she told me. Maybe you could ask her about it.”
Being honest helps your friends know they can trust you. Everybody wants friends who they can trust.
reliability
Being reliable means that you can be counted on. You’re dependable. You can be trusted to follow through with what you say you’re going to do.
Why is it important to be reliable? Think about it. Imagine that you call up one of your friends and decide you want to meet him somewhere. Together, you decide that you will meet each other tomorrow, at 4:00, at the Burger King on Main Street. Tomorrow comes around and you’re all excited about seeing your friend. You get there at 3:55 and wait… and wait… and wait… and IT’S NOW 4:30, WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU?!?!?!?!?
You’d be annoyed. So would I. So would anybody in that situation. That’s why it’s important to be reliable—if you say you’re going to be somewhere at a certain time, be there. If you say you’re going to do something for a friend, do it. You would want your friends to follow through with things they say they’re going to do with/for you, so it’s only logical to assume that they would want the same from you.
Being reliable helps maintain a sense of trust between friends. People like having friends that they can count on. If you’re an unreliable friend, constantly breaking promises, not showing up when you said you would, not keeping your word—your friends are going to stop trusting you. Maybe they won’t want to invite you places anymore, because it’s a waste of their time for them to wait for you for an hour only to discover that you were never planning on showing up.
Of course, sometimes there are exceptions. Don’t blacklist a friend for failing to follow through on something once. It may have been an honest mistake. Maybe your friend had a lot going on, and forgot about the commitment completely. Maybe something else came up—a family emergency, an illness, an injury. Those things do happen, and we have to be understanding about them.
If something does come up, and you realize that you are not going to be able to follow through on a commitment you made to your friend, it is your responsibility to inform your friend that you are not going to be able to follow through. Give your friend a call, or send a text. Let them know somehow, so that they aren’t kept waiting forever for something that isn’t going to happen.
Why is it important to be reliable? Think about it. Imagine that you call up one of your friends and decide you want to meet him somewhere. Together, you decide that you will meet each other tomorrow, at 4:00, at the Burger King on Main Street. Tomorrow comes around and you’re all excited about seeing your friend. You get there at 3:55 and wait… and wait… and wait… and IT’S NOW 4:30, WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU?!?!?!?!?
You’d be annoyed. So would I. So would anybody in that situation. That’s why it’s important to be reliable—if you say you’re going to be somewhere at a certain time, be there. If you say you’re going to do something for a friend, do it. You would want your friends to follow through with things they say they’re going to do with/for you, so it’s only logical to assume that they would want the same from you.
Being reliable helps maintain a sense of trust between friends. People like having friends that they can count on. If you’re an unreliable friend, constantly breaking promises, not showing up when you said you would, not keeping your word—your friends are going to stop trusting you. Maybe they won’t want to invite you places anymore, because it’s a waste of their time for them to wait for you for an hour only to discover that you were never planning on showing up.
Of course, sometimes there are exceptions. Don’t blacklist a friend for failing to follow through on something once. It may have been an honest mistake. Maybe your friend had a lot going on, and forgot about the commitment completely. Maybe something else came up—a family emergency, an illness, an injury. Those things do happen, and we have to be understanding about them.
If something does come up, and you realize that you are not going to be able to follow through on a commitment you made to your friend, it is your responsibility to inform your friend that you are not going to be able to follow through. Give your friend a call, or send a text. Let them know somehow, so that they aren’t kept waiting forever for something that isn’t going to happen.
when friends disagree
You won’t always see eye-to-eye with your friends on every issue. And you know what? You don’t need to. That’s part of what makes you different people. If you and your friend agreed on every single thing, you’d be practically the same person!
Chances are, you and your friends have some things in common. You agree on at least some things, which is why you’re friends. Maybe you both agree that soccer is fun. That Taylor Swift is a great singer. That chocolate ice cream is the best. Maybe you have the same religious beliefs, or the same political views, or the same ideas about what’s important in life. All of these are things that have drawn you together, helped you become friends.
But you don’t agree on everything. And that’s okay. I don’t agree with my friends on everything either. Most of my friends’ political views contrast sharply with mine. We have different tastes in music. We read different books, watch different TV shows and movies. We have different hobbies, pastimes, and ideas of what’s fun. I love working with middle-schoolers. Some of my friends wouldn’t even want to be around middle-schoolers. My Christian faith is very important to me, while a lot of my friends aren’t religious at all.
There’s no one best way to handle disagreements among friends. In some situations, it’s best to have a reasonable, rational discussion in which everyone has a chance to share their point of view. In other situations, it’s best to not mention the disagreed-upon topic. Sometimes it may be best to come up with a compromise—for instance, if your friend wants pizza but you want tacos, maybe get pizza this time and tacos next time. Or go to a place that serves both. Sometimes, disagreement can be a good thing. If you like pop music and your friend likes classic rock, create a playlist together. You’ll probably end up liking a few rock songs, and your friend will probably end up liking a few pop songs!
Regardless of how you handle disagreements, it is important to remain respectful. Don’t turn a disagreement into a screaming match. Don’t make it sound like you’re attacking your friend’s beliefs or insulting his family or saying that he’s wrong about everything. Remember that everyone is entitled to their own opinions. State your point clearly, then give your friend a turn to state his point. And if your friend seems to be getting too upset or angry because you’re disagreeing with him, take a break. Remind him why the two of you are friends. Remind him that it is possible to be friends with people who you don’t entirely agree with. Remind him that you respect his opinions even when they’re different from yours.
One final thing: don’t say you agree with someone just because you want them to like you. Stay you. Stay grounded in the truth. You gain nothing by pretending to be somebody else. People will admire and respect you more if you stand strong in your beliefs than if you’re wishy-washy to try to please others.
Chances are, you and your friends have some things in common. You agree on at least some things, which is why you’re friends. Maybe you both agree that soccer is fun. That Taylor Swift is a great singer. That chocolate ice cream is the best. Maybe you have the same religious beliefs, or the same political views, or the same ideas about what’s important in life. All of these are things that have drawn you together, helped you become friends.
But you don’t agree on everything. And that’s okay. I don’t agree with my friends on everything either. Most of my friends’ political views contrast sharply with mine. We have different tastes in music. We read different books, watch different TV shows and movies. We have different hobbies, pastimes, and ideas of what’s fun. I love working with middle-schoolers. Some of my friends wouldn’t even want to be around middle-schoolers. My Christian faith is very important to me, while a lot of my friends aren’t religious at all.
There’s no one best way to handle disagreements among friends. In some situations, it’s best to have a reasonable, rational discussion in which everyone has a chance to share their point of view. In other situations, it’s best to not mention the disagreed-upon topic. Sometimes it may be best to come up with a compromise—for instance, if your friend wants pizza but you want tacos, maybe get pizza this time and tacos next time. Or go to a place that serves both. Sometimes, disagreement can be a good thing. If you like pop music and your friend likes classic rock, create a playlist together. You’ll probably end up liking a few rock songs, and your friend will probably end up liking a few pop songs!
Regardless of how you handle disagreements, it is important to remain respectful. Don’t turn a disagreement into a screaming match. Don’t make it sound like you’re attacking your friend’s beliefs or insulting his family or saying that he’s wrong about everything. Remember that everyone is entitled to their own opinions. State your point clearly, then give your friend a turn to state his point. And if your friend seems to be getting too upset or angry because you’re disagreeing with him, take a break. Remind him why the two of you are friends. Remind him that it is possible to be friends with people who you don’t entirely agree with. Remind him that you respect his opinions even when they’re different from yours.
One final thing: don’t say you agree with someone just because you want them to like you. Stay you. Stay grounded in the truth. You gain nothing by pretending to be somebody else. People will admire and respect you more if you stand strong in your beliefs than if you’re wishy-washy to try to please others.
keeping in touch
Sometimes your friends move away. Sometimes you move away. Sometimes one of you switches to a different school, or you all go off to college, and you don’t get to see each other much anymore. Or at all.
You can still keep in touch. Especially in this day and age, we have SO many methods of communication, that if you want to keep in touch with someone, well… you have a lot of options.
I met my best friend in third grade. A couple years later, both of us moved away to different states—2,000 miles apart from each other. We didn’t see each other for seven years after that. But when we did finally get to see each other, we had just as much fun as we always had back in elementary school. We had remained best friends over all those years through letters, phone calls, email, and Facebook. It wasn’t always consistent—sometimes several months would go by without either of us contacting the other. But it was enough to keep us updated about each other’s lives, and to let us relive old memories, and for us both to know that we were missed. And I am so glad that we made the decision to keep in touch, because this girl is still my best friend…and it’s been over 15 years since third grade!
Again, just like with trying to make a new friend, don’t be overbearing on keeping in touch with your friends who move away. Don’t text them every single day to tell them what you had for breakfast. Don’t blow up their Facebook page with a million posts every hour. Accept the fact that your friend is going to make new friends wherever they move, and that it’s okay for you to make new friends too. But if your friend is a friend worth keeping, definitely make every effort you can to keep in touch!
You can still keep in touch. Especially in this day and age, we have SO many methods of communication, that if you want to keep in touch with someone, well… you have a lot of options.
I met my best friend in third grade. A couple years later, both of us moved away to different states—2,000 miles apart from each other. We didn’t see each other for seven years after that. But when we did finally get to see each other, we had just as much fun as we always had back in elementary school. We had remained best friends over all those years through letters, phone calls, email, and Facebook. It wasn’t always consistent—sometimes several months would go by without either of us contacting the other. But it was enough to keep us updated about each other’s lives, and to let us relive old memories, and for us both to know that we were missed. And I am so glad that we made the decision to keep in touch, because this girl is still my best friend…and it’s been over 15 years since third grade!
Again, just like with trying to make a new friend, don’t be overbearing on keeping in touch with your friends who move away. Don’t text them every single day to tell them what you had for breakfast. Don’t blow up their Facebook page with a million posts every hour. Accept the fact that your friend is going to make new friends wherever they move, and that it’s okay for you to make new friends too. But if your friend is a friend worth keeping, definitely make every effort you can to keep in touch!
tough times
Life isn’t perfect. You’ll have some rough spots in your life, and your friends will have some rough times in their lives. If your friend is going through a tough time, it’s important for you to be there for them.
Everything can get thrown off when something hard happens. Maybe someone’s family member dies, and other people don’t know how to act around her anymore. Maybe someone’s parents are getting divorced, and he’s so upset and angry that he shuts everyone out. Maybe someone’s sibling is really sick, and she’s suddenly really busy with family stuff and doesn’t have time to hang out with you anymore.
No matter what is going on in your friend’s life, you need to be there for them. Maybe your friendship will change. Your friend may have less time to spend with you, or not want to do the fun things you used to do, or not feel up to hanging out at all. Your friend may try to shut you out of her life simply because she’s confused and upset and doesn’t know what to do. Your friend might just want someone she can talk to.
It’s understandable to feel discombobulated about changes like this. If your friend starts shutting you out, of course you might be angry. If your friend doesn’t want to hang out with you as much or at all, of course you may feel disappointed. If you’re used to laughing and doing crazy things every time you get together with your friend, and all the sudden all she wants to do is cry on your shoulder, you’re going to miss the old times. But you need to understand where your friend is coming from. The tough times are when friends need each other the most. Tough times are what really test friendships, the times that show people who their true friends are. And most of the time, if you’re there for a friend during a tough time, it will actually end up strengthening your friendship with that person. If you don’t give up on your friend who says she isn’t worth your time, if you’re understanding about why your friend whose mom is in the hospital can’t spend as much time with you as he used to, if you sit there and let your friend whose life is falling apart sob and pour out her heart to you, your friends will see that you are someone who really cares about them. Your friendship will end up stronger than ever.
Everything can get thrown off when something hard happens. Maybe someone’s family member dies, and other people don’t know how to act around her anymore. Maybe someone’s parents are getting divorced, and he’s so upset and angry that he shuts everyone out. Maybe someone’s sibling is really sick, and she’s suddenly really busy with family stuff and doesn’t have time to hang out with you anymore.
No matter what is going on in your friend’s life, you need to be there for them. Maybe your friendship will change. Your friend may have less time to spend with you, or not want to do the fun things you used to do, or not feel up to hanging out at all. Your friend may try to shut you out of her life simply because she’s confused and upset and doesn’t know what to do. Your friend might just want someone she can talk to.
It’s understandable to feel discombobulated about changes like this. If your friend starts shutting you out, of course you might be angry. If your friend doesn’t want to hang out with you as much or at all, of course you may feel disappointed. If you’re used to laughing and doing crazy things every time you get together with your friend, and all the sudden all she wants to do is cry on your shoulder, you’re going to miss the old times. But you need to understand where your friend is coming from. The tough times are when friends need each other the most. Tough times are what really test friendships, the times that show people who their true friends are. And most of the time, if you’re there for a friend during a tough time, it will actually end up strengthening your friendship with that person. If you don’t give up on your friend who says she isn’t worth your time, if you’re understanding about why your friend whose mom is in the hospital can’t spend as much time with you as he used to, if you sit there and let your friend whose life is falling apart sob and pour out her heart to you, your friends will see that you are someone who really cares about them. Your friendship will end up stronger than ever.
"Anything is possible when you have the right people there to support you."
- Misty Copeland
