You might have a great home life, you might have a horrible one, or you might have one that's mostly great with horrible moments. This page is by no means comprehensive, but if you're experiencing hardships at home, I hope the following tips, advice, and information will be helpful to you. The sections are all pretty long, so I've bolded some of the key tips and information I find most important if you just want to read them at a glance. (Of course, there's a lot of other good information in there that you'll be missing out if you only read the bolded parts!)
tips and advice
getting along with parents
If you find yourself getting angry and frustrated with your parents more often than not these days, you’re not alone. A lot of teenagers have trouble getting along with their parents, usually because they feel like their parents don’t understand them or because they want more freedom and independence than their parents are willing to give. When teens have a strained relationship with their parents, they may start rebelling against their parents’ rules, doing things they aren’t supposed to do just to prove that they can or to make their parents mad. This creates a vicious cycle in which nothing is solved and the problems only get worse.
Keep this in mind: your parents love you and want what’s best for you. Some parents aren’t the best at showing it, but in all but the most extreme cases, parents want their children to be happy and have a good life. They don’t make rules for the purpose of making you miserable; they make rules because they want you to be safe and successful.
If you feel like your parents’ rules are unreasonable, or if you want more privileges than they’re currently allowing, try talking to them about it in a mature, rational way. Think through what you’re going to say before you say it. Present your point calmly, without complaining or whining. Then listen to what they have to say. Try to understand their point of view. There’s no guarantee they’ll give you what you’re asking for, but if you demonstrate that you can maturely handle a “no,” they’re more likely to say “yes” at a later point down the road.
Let’s say you need to have a serious conversation with your parents, but you’re afraid of how they’ll react. Before you even start the conversation, think through what you want from the conversation. Do you want advice? Permission? Guidance? Support? A listening ear? Knowing what you want ahead of time can help you preface your conversation with something like, “Mom, I need some advice about something,” or “Dad, I really need to tell you something, but I don’t want you to say anything; I just want you to listen.” If you’re worried about them reacting with criticism or disappointment, say that up front too: “Mom, I know you won’t approve of what I did, and I recognize that it wasn’t a great choice. But I really have to get this off my chest. Can you please hear me out without making any comments?” Whatever you say, make sure you say it politely.
One of the most important parts of a parent-child relationship—or any relationship, really—is honesty. If you lie to your parents about one thing, how will they know whether you’re telling the truth about something else? It is possible to have a great relationship with someone who doesn’t share all your views or approve of everything you do. It is a lot harder to have a great relationship with someone who doesn’t trust you.
Keep this in mind: your parents love you and want what’s best for you. Some parents aren’t the best at showing it, but in all but the most extreme cases, parents want their children to be happy and have a good life. They don’t make rules for the purpose of making you miserable; they make rules because they want you to be safe and successful.
If you feel like your parents’ rules are unreasonable, or if you want more privileges than they’re currently allowing, try talking to them about it in a mature, rational way. Think through what you’re going to say before you say it. Present your point calmly, without complaining or whining. Then listen to what they have to say. Try to understand their point of view. There’s no guarantee they’ll give you what you’re asking for, but if you demonstrate that you can maturely handle a “no,” they’re more likely to say “yes” at a later point down the road.
Let’s say you need to have a serious conversation with your parents, but you’re afraid of how they’ll react. Before you even start the conversation, think through what you want from the conversation. Do you want advice? Permission? Guidance? Support? A listening ear? Knowing what you want ahead of time can help you preface your conversation with something like, “Mom, I need some advice about something,” or “Dad, I really need to tell you something, but I don’t want you to say anything; I just want you to listen.” If you’re worried about them reacting with criticism or disappointment, say that up front too: “Mom, I know you won’t approve of what I did, and I recognize that it wasn’t a great choice. But I really have to get this off my chest. Can you please hear me out without making any comments?” Whatever you say, make sure you say it politely.
One of the most important parts of a parent-child relationship—or any relationship, really—is honesty. If you lie to your parents about one thing, how will they know whether you’re telling the truth about something else? It is possible to have a great relationship with someone who doesn’t share all your views or approve of everything you do. It is a lot harder to have a great relationship with someone who doesn’t trust you.
when parents have issues of their own
Parents are people too. Just because someone has kids doesn’t mean they have their whole life put together. Some parents struggle with addiction or mental health problems. Some parents don’t know how to be there for their kids, or are too busy to give you what you need. Some parents are immature, inflexible, or refuse to listen to even the most reasonable of requests.
It hurts when a parent’s life choices are constantly shattering your world, or when they’re not there when you need them because they’re in jail or rehab or too depressed to get out of bed. It’s difficult when you have to be the one taking care of the person who’s supposed to take care of you. There’s no “fix all” way to make everything better. But there are some ways you can alleviate your stress about the situation.
First of all, recognize that the situation is not your fault. Mental health issues are due to the structure of one’s brain. Addictions are the result of a poor choice the addicted person once made. No matter what your parent may say or imply, you did not cause them to abuse drugs or alcohol, or to become depressed or bipolar or anxious. Do not blame yourself.
Accept the fact that you can only do so much. You can’t fix your parent’s problem. You can’t make it go away by being a perfect kid, or by being a difficult kid, or by stressing out over what you have and haven’t done. You can help out by being there for them, by helping with housework, and by supporting them in their recovery attempts or behavior therapy, but it’s also important to take some time to just be a kid. Spend some time with friends, find a hobby you enjoy, and recognize that it is okay to not be your parent’s caregiver 24/7.
And find people you can talk to. You probably have pretty strong emotions attached to your parents’ issues, and you need a safe place to express them. Burying your emotions inside you won’t do any good, but screaming at your parents probably won’t either. Open up to a trusted adult such as another relative, a teacher, a guidance counselor, or a good friend’s parent. See if they can help you find a support group with other teens who are dealing with the same thing you’re going through. It can really help to talk to someone who truly understands what it’s like. The leader of the support group may also be able to help you identify positive adult role models who can teach you the life skills you may not be learning at home.
If there’s ever a time when your parents’ behaviors make you feel unsafe at home, it’s very important to let someone know. If you don’t have anyone in your life to reach out to, you can call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline. 1-800-799-7233
It hurts when a parent’s life choices are constantly shattering your world, or when they’re not there when you need them because they’re in jail or rehab or too depressed to get out of bed. It’s difficult when you have to be the one taking care of the person who’s supposed to take care of you. There’s no “fix all” way to make everything better. But there are some ways you can alleviate your stress about the situation.
First of all, recognize that the situation is not your fault. Mental health issues are due to the structure of one’s brain. Addictions are the result of a poor choice the addicted person once made. No matter what your parent may say or imply, you did not cause them to abuse drugs or alcohol, or to become depressed or bipolar or anxious. Do not blame yourself.
Accept the fact that you can only do so much. You can’t fix your parent’s problem. You can’t make it go away by being a perfect kid, or by being a difficult kid, or by stressing out over what you have and haven’t done. You can help out by being there for them, by helping with housework, and by supporting them in their recovery attempts or behavior therapy, but it’s also important to take some time to just be a kid. Spend some time with friends, find a hobby you enjoy, and recognize that it is okay to not be your parent’s caregiver 24/7.
And find people you can talk to. You probably have pretty strong emotions attached to your parents’ issues, and you need a safe place to express them. Burying your emotions inside you won’t do any good, but screaming at your parents probably won’t either. Open up to a trusted adult such as another relative, a teacher, a guidance counselor, or a good friend’s parent. See if they can help you find a support group with other teens who are dealing with the same thing you’re going through. It can really help to talk to someone who truly understands what it’s like. The leader of the support group may also be able to help you identify positive adult role models who can teach you the life skills you may not be learning at home.
If there’s ever a time when your parents’ behaviors make you feel unsafe at home, it’s very important to let someone know. If you don’t have anyone in your life to reach out to, you can call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline. 1-800-799-7233
getting along with siblings
Sometimes siblings can be tricky to get along with. After all, just because they have the same parents as you doesn’t mean they’re anything like you. And maybe your sibling(s) is/are constantly getting all the attention, or always doing things to annoy you on purpose, or always getting away with everything you can’t get away with.
It’s okay to get annoyed with your siblings. But you should try to develop a good relationship with them. In my opinion, the relationship between siblings is one of the most important relationships there is. When you’re old and grey, they’re the ones who’ll be able to remind you of the funny childhood memories and the stories your parents told you. They’re the ones who will remember the hard times growing up. They’ll understand you in a way no one else will. No matter how different you are, or how different the paths are that you and your siblings choose to take, you’ll always have a connection to them.
Oftentimes, younger siblings do things that older siblings perceive as annoying, but they’re really only trying to get attention. Younger siblings usually look up to their older siblings, even if their actions might suggest otherwise. They want their older siblings to spend time with them and appreciate them. As an older sibling, you might be thinking, “Yeah, but what’s in it for me?” You’d be surprised. Spending some good, wholesome time playing with a little sibling can distract you from the stress of your schoolwork or the drama of your social life.
Older siblings can sometimes seem aloof or condescending. They’re trying to move forward with their lives, and may feel like younger siblings, due to their age, have no idea what they’re going through. They may sometimes get frustrated with younger siblings simply for having a younger way of thinking. But there’s a lot you can learn from your older siblings—they’ve probably been through some things similar to what you’re going through, so they can give you advice and share true stories about things that happened to them. Also, if they get in trouble, you get a sneak peek of what will happen to you if you ever try what they tried!
A lot of times, it’s siblings who are close in age who have the most trouble getting along. Sometimes they’re jealous of each other, or feel the need to compete for who’s the best at school, sports, making friends, etc. But it’s also siblings who are closest in age who often end up becoming the closest friends, because they share the most memories, have the most similar childhoods, and are going through a lot of the same stuff at the same time.
If you don’t get along with your siblings, try to change that. Figure out what interests you share (music, books, TV shows, sports, games, art, activities, hobbies, etc) and come up with something to do together. Or try something none of you have ever done before. Realize that you can still get along with a sibling who’s really different from you—or one who’s really similar. Put yourself in their perspective and try to understand where they’re coming from. Remember that it’s okay if they’re better at something than you are. You have your talents, and they have theirs—and you both/all have things to learn from each other.
It’s okay to get annoyed with your siblings. But you should try to develop a good relationship with them. In my opinion, the relationship between siblings is one of the most important relationships there is. When you’re old and grey, they’re the ones who’ll be able to remind you of the funny childhood memories and the stories your parents told you. They’re the ones who will remember the hard times growing up. They’ll understand you in a way no one else will. No matter how different you are, or how different the paths are that you and your siblings choose to take, you’ll always have a connection to them.
Oftentimes, younger siblings do things that older siblings perceive as annoying, but they’re really only trying to get attention. Younger siblings usually look up to their older siblings, even if their actions might suggest otherwise. They want their older siblings to spend time with them and appreciate them. As an older sibling, you might be thinking, “Yeah, but what’s in it for me?” You’d be surprised. Spending some good, wholesome time playing with a little sibling can distract you from the stress of your schoolwork or the drama of your social life.
Older siblings can sometimes seem aloof or condescending. They’re trying to move forward with their lives, and may feel like younger siblings, due to their age, have no idea what they’re going through. They may sometimes get frustrated with younger siblings simply for having a younger way of thinking. But there’s a lot you can learn from your older siblings—they’ve probably been through some things similar to what you’re going through, so they can give you advice and share true stories about things that happened to them. Also, if they get in trouble, you get a sneak peek of what will happen to you if you ever try what they tried!
A lot of times, it’s siblings who are close in age who have the most trouble getting along. Sometimes they’re jealous of each other, or feel the need to compete for who’s the best at school, sports, making friends, etc. But it’s also siblings who are closest in age who often end up becoming the closest friends, because they share the most memories, have the most similar childhoods, and are going through a lot of the same stuff at the same time.
If you don’t get along with your siblings, try to change that. Figure out what interests you share (music, books, TV shows, sports, games, art, activities, hobbies, etc) and come up with something to do together. Or try something none of you have ever done before. Realize that you can still get along with a sibling who’s really different from you—or one who’s really similar. Put yourself in their perspective and try to understand where they’re coming from. Remember that it’s okay if they’re better at something than you are. You have your talents, and they have theirs—and you both/all have things to learn from each other.
when siblings have major issues
It can be difficult living with a sibling who has major challenges, whether these challenges are physical, medical, emotional, behavioral, intellectual, social. You may feel resentful when the world seems to revolve around your autistic brother’s routines and sensitivities. You may feel embarrassed when your friends witness your emotionally-challenged older sister have a complete meltdown over something trivial. You might be jealous of all the special attention your chronically ill sister gets, or furious when your behaviorally-challenged brother throws a book at you and doesn’t even get in trouble for it. All of these emotions are okay to have.
It’s important to recognize that your sibling’s challenges are not his or her fault, and that they probably frustrate that sibling just as much as they frustrate you. Things that come naturally to you may be extremely difficult for someone with a physical, social, or intellectual disability. People with emotional and behavioral disabilities usually feel embarrassed and remorseful after an outburst or explosion.
You of all people know that your sibling is more than just his or her disability. You’ve had the privilege of seeing them in many different contexts and getting to know them as a whole person. Just like you, they have interests, likes, and dislikes. Even if their interests and hobbies don’t overlap with yours, you can still have fun together and build good memories. Don’t entertain the belief that your sibling’s challenges make you superior to them. You can learn things from your sibling just as your sibling can learn things from you.
Give your sibling the love and support they need. As much as possible, treat them the same as you would treat a sibling without a disability. But also be aware of how their disability affects them, and know what you can do to help. If your sibling has an emotional or behavioral problem, understand what their triggers are and if there’s anything you can do to de-escalate a problem. If it’s a medical or physical ordeal, know how to operate any devices they use and/or what medications and procedures are in place. If it’s an intellectual or social challenge, get a feel for what kind of situations are the most challenging for them, and give them appropriate guidance and advice. And for any sibling, regardless of what their issues may be, make sure they know that you love them and are there for them no matter what.
One more thing: it’s okay to take time for yourself. Your life does not have to revolve around your sibling. You have needs too. Your needs may include spending some time alone or with friends, getting out of the house while your sibling is going through a particularly rough episode, or getting some one-on-one time with a parent. If you feel that your parents are too busy focusing on your siblings’ needs to pay any attention to you, try writing them a note explaining how you’re feeling. It can also be beneficial to have a trusted person outside your family to be able to talk to, whether that be a close friend, a favorite teacher, or someone else who’s a good listener and won’t share your family’s private matters with others.
It’s important to recognize that your sibling’s challenges are not his or her fault, and that they probably frustrate that sibling just as much as they frustrate you. Things that come naturally to you may be extremely difficult for someone with a physical, social, or intellectual disability. People with emotional and behavioral disabilities usually feel embarrassed and remorseful after an outburst or explosion.
You of all people know that your sibling is more than just his or her disability. You’ve had the privilege of seeing them in many different contexts and getting to know them as a whole person. Just like you, they have interests, likes, and dislikes. Even if their interests and hobbies don’t overlap with yours, you can still have fun together and build good memories. Don’t entertain the belief that your sibling’s challenges make you superior to them. You can learn things from your sibling just as your sibling can learn things from you.
Give your sibling the love and support they need. As much as possible, treat them the same as you would treat a sibling without a disability. But also be aware of how their disability affects them, and know what you can do to help. If your sibling has an emotional or behavioral problem, understand what their triggers are and if there’s anything you can do to de-escalate a problem. If it’s a medical or physical ordeal, know how to operate any devices they use and/or what medications and procedures are in place. If it’s an intellectual or social challenge, get a feel for what kind of situations are the most challenging for them, and give them appropriate guidance and advice. And for any sibling, regardless of what their issues may be, make sure they know that you love them and are there for them no matter what.
One more thing: it’s okay to take time for yourself. Your life does not have to revolve around your sibling. You have needs too. Your needs may include spending some time alone or with friends, getting out of the house while your sibling is going through a particularly rough episode, or getting some one-on-one time with a parent. If you feel that your parents are too busy focusing on your siblings’ needs to pay any attention to you, try writing them a note explaining how you’re feeling. It can also be beneficial to have a trusted person outside your family to be able to talk to, whether that be a close friend, a favorite teacher, or someone else who’s a good listener and won’t share your family’s private matters with others.
family members who aren't getting along
Maybe you get along perfectly well with everyone in your family, but your siblings are constantly fighting with each other. Or your parents are constantly fighting with each other. Or one of your parents is always arguing with one of your siblings. Even though you’re not the one actually involved in the arguments, it still puts an emotional strain on you.
Every situation is different, but in general, it’s best not to allow yourself to be brought into the fights. Sometimes a family member may try to draw you over to their “side”, getting you to go to battle against the other person with them. There may be cases where one person is clearly in the wrong and it’s okay to tell them that, but a lot of times, it’s just two opinions battling against one another, and allowing yourself to be dragged in will just create more drama and trouble. In these situations, it’s usually best to just calmly explain to both people that you love them both, can see both sides, and don’t want to get involved in the argument because this is something that the two of them have to work out together.
Sometimes, if you can see both sides of an argument, it can be helpful to talk to each person separately about the issue. If your mom and brother are always fighting, for example, your brother may be more receptive to hearing your mom’s points from you, since you’re just a sibling rather than an authority figure. Similarly, you may be able to deliver your brother’s points to your mom in a calmer, more rational way, which may make her more receptive to listening. However, if you choose to go this route, be really careful about what you say and how you say it. Make sure it doesn’t sound like you’re attacking the person you’re talking to or like you only understand the other person’s side.
Finally, accept the fact that you can’t fix everyone else’s problems. You could do everything in your power to try to help your family get along, and it still might not be enough. Don’t blame yourself for this. Everyone has their own issues, their own personality, their own way of perceiving the world and reacting to events. There is only so much you can do; the rest is up to them.
Every situation is different, but in general, it’s best not to allow yourself to be brought into the fights. Sometimes a family member may try to draw you over to their “side”, getting you to go to battle against the other person with them. There may be cases where one person is clearly in the wrong and it’s okay to tell them that, but a lot of times, it’s just two opinions battling against one another, and allowing yourself to be dragged in will just create more drama and trouble. In these situations, it’s usually best to just calmly explain to both people that you love them both, can see both sides, and don’t want to get involved in the argument because this is something that the two of them have to work out together.
Sometimes, if you can see both sides of an argument, it can be helpful to talk to each person separately about the issue. If your mom and brother are always fighting, for example, your brother may be more receptive to hearing your mom’s points from you, since you’re just a sibling rather than an authority figure. Similarly, you may be able to deliver your brother’s points to your mom in a calmer, more rational way, which may make her more receptive to listening. However, if you choose to go this route, be really careful about what you say and how you say it. Make sure it doesn’t sound like you’re attacking the person you’re talking to or like you only understand the other person’s side.
Finally, accept the fact that you can’t fix everyone else’s problems. You could do everything in your power to try to help your family get along, and it still might not be enough. Don’t blame yourself for this. Everyone has their own issues, their own personality, their own way of perceiving the world and reacting to events. There is only so much you can do; the rest is up to them.
divorce
It’s awful when parents get divorced. It can feel like your whole world is ripping apart and will never be normal again. It’s true that things will never be the same again, but that doesn’t mean that things will never be good again.
The most important thing to remember is that your parents’ divorce is not your fault. It’s really common for kids and teens to think that their parents are getting divorced because of something they did, but that’s not the case at all. People get divorced because of problems they have with each other, not problems they have with their kids.
Obviously, when your parents get divorced, your life changes in a big way. You might have to go to court to determine custody arrangements. You might end up living primarily with one parent and only visiting the other, or you might end up living with both of them for separate, equal amounts of time. You may have to move, change schools, assume more responsibility for younger siblings, and/or adjust to being alone longer than you’re used to.
Your parents will be under a lot of stress during this time too, and they may not always deal with it in the most appropriate ways. It can be really uncomfortable when one parent is telling you all the things they can’t stand about the other parent. You may feel like you’re betraying the other parent just by listening to that.
Tell both parents up front that you don’t want to take sides. If they’re upset about each other, they can rant about it to their friends, but not to you. Ask them to try to be polite to each other for your sake, and to refrain from making negative comments about one another in your presence. Remind them that you love both of them, and that one of them acting jealous or bitter when you mention the other will only hurt you.
You might be angry with your parents for getting a divorce. You might feel that the divorce is more one person’s fault than the other, and be more angry with that parent. These feelings are okay to have, and they are good to talk about with a close friend (especially one who’s been through the same thing before), guidance counselor, or therapist. A support group for kids whose parents are divorcing is also a great thing to look into.
When your home life is a disaster, it’s important to keep some things stable. As much as you’re able, stay involved in school activities, favorite hobbies, and hanging out with friends. Maintain good communication with both parents even when you’re not physically near them. Figure out what healthy coping strategies work best for you, and employ them when necessary. Focus on the positive, and remember that even though things won’t ever return to how they used to be, you will eventually adjust to your new normal.
The most important thing to remember is that your parents’ divorce is not your fault. It’s really common for kids and teens to think that their parents are getting divorced because of something they did, but that’s not the case at all. People get divorced because of problems they have with each other, not problems they have with their kids.
Obviously, when your parents get divorced, your life changes in a big way. You might have to go to court to determine custody arrangements. You might end up living primarily with one parent and only visiting the other, or you might end up living with both of them for separate, equal amounts of time. You may have to move, change schools, assume more responsibility for younger siblings, and/or adjust to being alone longer than you’re used to.
Your parents will be under a lot of stress during this time too, and they may not always deal with it in the most appropriate ways. It can be really uncomfortable when one parent is telling you all the things they can’t stand about the other parent. You may feel like you’re betraying the other parent just by listening to that.
Tell both parents up front that you don’t want to take sides. If they’re upset about each other, they can rant about it to their friends, but not to you. Ask them to try to be polite to each other for your sake, and to refrain from making negative comments about one another in your presence. Remind them that you love both of them, and that one of them acting jealous or bitter when you mention the other will only hurt you.
You might be angry with your parents for getting a divorce. You might feel that the divorce is more one person’s fault than the other, and be more angry with that parent. These feelings are okay to have, and they are good to talk about with a close friend (especially one who’s been through the same thing before), guidance counselor, or therapist. A support group for kids whose parents are divorcing is also a great thing to look into.
When your home life is a disaster, it’s important to keep some things stable. As much as you’re able, stay involved in school activities, favorite hobbies, and hanging out with friends. Maintain good communication with both parents even when you’re not physically near them. Figure out what healthy coping strategies work best for you, and employ them when necessary. Focus on the positive, and remember that even though things won’t ever return to how they used to be, you will eventually adjust to your new normal.
blended families
If your mom or dad remarries, you’ll end up with a stepparent and possibly stepsiblings. All the sudden there are new people taking up your parent’s attention and living in your house, and a new adult who’s kind of in charge of you.
It’s best to figure out some things ahead of time, before your stepparent and stepsiblings move in with you. Figure out who’s going to sleep where, where you can go if you need some alone time, and how you can still have special one-on-one time with your parent. Share your feelings about the new stepparent with your parent who is getting married. Voice your concerns and make sure everybody’s on the same page about what your stepparent will be allowed to tell you to do and what you’re going to call him or her. Of course, there will be things that nobody anticipated, and life doesn’t always go according to plan, but discussing these topics ahead of time can give you a good starting point.
One of the challenges blended families face is the difference in upbringing and expectations for the two sets of kids. If your dad always asks you to do chores and help around the house, but your stepmom never makes her kids help out, you might feel jealous or resentful of them. If your mom doesn’t let you watch a certain TV show because she feels it’s inappropriate, but your stepdad has no problem letting your younger stepbrother watch it, you might think it’s unfair or that you’re being treated like a baby. These are the kinds of things that need to be worked out as a whole family.
Parenting styles aside, dealing with stepsiblings has its own set of challenges. Depending on how much time you spent with your stepsiblings before moving in together, they could be almost strangers. You may get a same-age stepsibling who’s the exact kind of person you would never hang around with at school. You may have a younger stepsibling who always uses your stuff without permission, or an older one who wants nothing to do with you. You may have a stepsibling who gets along better with your parent than you do, or who all your siblings like but you don’t gel with. You might get along fine with your new stepsibling but hate having to share a room with him/her. Whatever the situation is, make an effort to form a good relationship with your stepsiblings. Find common interests and activities you can enjoy together. Just like with regular siblings, stepsiblings can end up becoming some of your closest friends.
Forming a relationship with a stepparent can feel strange or awkward at times, but I’ll let you in on a little secret—it’s strange and awkward for them too! if it seems like they’re trying too hard to get involved in your life, overstepping boundaries, or just being weird around you, it’s because they have no idea how to act! They want you to like them, but if they don’t know you that well yet, they won’t know how to go about starting a relationship.
Even if you don’t particularly like your stepparent, it’s a good idea to at least try to get along with them. This person is now a permanent part of your life. Your parent loves him/her. Your parent loves you. The two of you have that much in common, at least. Figure out if there are other things you have in common. Participate in a fun activity together. You may end up becoming very close over time, or you may not, but either way, it’ll teach you a lot about communication and relationship skills.
It’s best to figure out some things ahead of time, before your stepparent and stepsiblings move in with you. Figure out who’s going to sleep where, where you can go if you need some alone time, and how you can still have special one-on-one time with your parent. Share your feelings about the new stepparent with your parent who is getting married. Voice your concerns and make sure everybody’s on the same page about what your stepparent will be allowed to tell you to do and what you’re going to call him or her. Of course, there will be things that nobody anticipated, and life doesn’t always go according to plan, but discussing these topics ahead of time can give you a good starting point.
One of the challenges blended families face is the difference in upbringing and expectations for the two sets of kids. If your dad always asks you to do chores and help around the house, but your stepmom never makes her kids help out, you might feel jealous or resentful of them. If your mom doesn’t let you watch a certain TV show because she feels it’s inappropriate, but your stepdad has no problem letting your younger stepbrother watch it, you might think it’s unfair or that you’re being treated like a baby. These are the kinds of things that need to be worked out as a whole family.
Parenting styles aside, dealing with stepsiblings has its own set of challenges. Depending on how much time you spent with your stepsiblings before moving in together, they could be almost strangers. You may get a same-age stepsibling who’s the exact kind of person you would never hang around with at school. You may have a younger stepsibling who always uses your stuff without permission, or an older one who wants nothing to do with you. You may have a stepsibling who gets along better with your parent than you do, or who all your siblings like but you don’t gel with. You might get along fine with your new stepsibling but hate having to share a room with him/her. Whatever the situation is, make an effort to form a good relationship with your stepsiblings. Find common interests and activities you can enjoy together. Just like with regular siblings, stepsiblings can end up becoming some of your closest friends.
Forming a relationship with a stepparent can feel strange or awkward at times, but I’ll let you in on a little secret—it’s strange and awkward for them too! if it seems like they’re trying too hard to get involved in your life, overstepping boundaries, or just being weird around you, it’s because they have no idea how to act! They want you to like them, but if they don’t know you that well yet, they won’t know how to go about starting a relationship.
Even if you don’t particularly like your stepparent, it’s a good idea to at least try to get along with them. This person is now a permanent part of your life. Your parent loves him/her. Your parent loves you. The two of you have that much in common, at least. Figure out if there are other things you have in common. Participate in a fun activity together. You may end up becoming very close over time, or you may not, but either way, it’ll teach you a lot about communication and relationship skills.
people moving in or moving out
Getting a new sibling, having a relative move in with you, having an older sibling move out—these are all huge adjustments, and they can be hard to deal with at first. But that’s life—constantly adjusting to changes in your environment, and learning how to react in appropriate ways.
When a new sibling joins your family—whether by birth or adoption—your parents automatically become busier, because they now have to care for your new sibling’s needs in addition to everything else. They’ll probably have less time to spend with you than they used to, but make sure you still get some one-on-one time with them. You may also be expected to take on more responsibilities. If you’re feeling resentful or upset about any of this, talk to your parents about it (respectfully). Let them know that it’s still important that they spend time with you, and work with them to figure out how you can still get some one-on-one time with them.
And interact with your new sibling. The bond between siblings is so important, and can be really beautiful. It doesn’t matter if your new sibling is sixteen years younger than you, from a foreign country or has had an entirely different upbringing than you up to this point. You can find ways to connect with them. You can have fun with them. You can let them you you’re there for them.
It can be a different kind of adjustment when a family friend or relative moves into your house. It can feel awkward. Maybe you don’t feel like you can be yourself around them. Maybe there are suddenly new rules about being quiet at certain times, or a section of the house is now off-limits, or you’re expected to help out in new ways. Maybe the person who moved in with you is sick and requires a lot of care from you and your family members. Maybe they’re coming and going at all hours of the night and you barely get any sleep.
Remember that your whole family is going through this with you. Everyone’s experiencing it in different ways, but you’re all in it together. Talk with your family about what’s going on and how you feel about it. Figure out how to include the newcomer in family events and activities, and if/when it’s appropriate to have family time without the newcomer. Keep in mind that it’s probably more awkward for the newcomer than it is for you—they just moved into someone else’s house where a whole entire family already lived! Spend time with the person and get to know them. It may be the start of a beautiful relationship you never would have otherwise had.
When someone moves out of your house, their absence can feel like a loss. You miss them. The house seems too quiet. You have something you really want to share with them, but they’re not there. It can be sad and lonely.
Stay connected with them. You can still have a great relationship with them, even though it’s not exactly the same. Call them, text them, send them pictures of what you’re doing, write them letters. If they still live close by, they’ll probably visit you sometimes, and you can probably visit them. Find positive ways to fill the time you used to spend with them at home—delving into a hobby, joining an extracurricular activity, inviting friends over. Remember that even though you’re on separate adventures, that only means that you’ll have twice the amount of stories to share when you come back together.
When a new sibling joins your family—whether by birth or adoption—your parents automatically become busier, because they now have to care for your new sibling’s needs in addition to everything else. They’ll probably have less time to spend with you than they used to, but make sure you still get some one-on-one time with them. You may also be expected to take on more responsibilities. If you’re feeling resentful or upset about any of this, talk to your parents about it (respectfully). Let them know that it’s still important that they spend time with you, and work with them to figure out how you can still get some one-on-one time with them.
And interact with your new sibling. The bond between siblings is so important, and can be really beautiful. It doesn’t matter if your new sibling is sixteen years younger than you, from a foreign country or has had an entirely different upbringing than you up to this point. You can find ways to connect with them. You can have fun with them. You can let them you you’re there for them.
It can be a different kind of adjustment when a family friend or relative moves into your house. It can feel awkward. Maybe you don’t feel like you can be yourself around them. Maybe there are suddenly new rules about being quiet at certain times, or a section of the house is now off-limits, or you’re expected to help out in new ways. Maybe the person who moved in with you is sick and requires a lot of care from you and your family members. Maybe they’re coming and going at all hours of the night and you barely get any sleep.
Remember that your whole family is going through this with you. Everyone’s experiencing it in different ways, but you’re all in it together. Talk with your family about what’s going on and how you feel about it. Figure out how to include the newcomer in family events and activities, and if/when it’s appropriate to have family time without the newcomer. Keep in mind that it’s probably more awkward for the newcomer than it is for you—they just moved into someone else’s house where a whole entire family already lived! Spend time with the person and get to know them. It may be the start of a beautiful relationship you never would have otherwise had.
When someone moves out of your house, their absence can feel like a loss. You miss them. The house seems too quiet. You have something you really want to share with them, but they’re not there. It can be sad and lonely.
Stay connected with them. You can still have a great relationship with them, even though it’s not exactly the same. Call them, text them, send them pictures of what you’re doing, write them letters. If they still live close by, they’ll probably visit you sometimes, and you can probably visit them. Find positive ways to fill the time you used to spend with them at home—delving into a hobby, joining an extracurricular activity, inviting friends over. Remember that even though you’re on separate adventures, that only means that you’ll have twice the amount of stories to share when you come back together.
sharing a small space
When I was a teenager, I lived in an RV for six months with my parents and two younger brothers. Then we moved into a one-room basement and lived there for five years. I know a lot about sharing a small space!
Being cramped up in a small house with other people can put a strain on relationships, because you notice everyone’s annoying traits and don’t have the space to get away from them. You can also run into problems such as other people using your things, leaving their things all over the place, and making noise when you’re trying to concentrate or sleep.
It can help to implement a schedule that allots for a block of quiet time, in which the TV stays off and everyone participates in some kind of quiet activity that won’t disturb others. It can also help to have specific places where each person stores their belongings, and to clean up regularly. Obviously, these are the kinds of procedures that would most likely be implemented by your parents, not you, but you can give them the suggestion. In the meantime, you can help by doing your part with keeping things tidy and being quiet when people are trying to work/study.
If possible, find ways to get out of the house. Participate in extracurricular activities, spend time with friends, go hiking, biking, or walking. Around the house, make sure everyone in the family has somewhere they can go when they need their own space or alone time. Be respectful of other people’s personal space and alone time just as you would want them to be respectful of yours.
Focus on the positive. Living in close quarters can teach you so much and prepare you for so much in the future (college dorm life, anyone?). It can also help draw your family closer together. Play games together. Watch TV together. Just sit around and talk together. You’ll learn important skills and have a lot of good family memories to look back on.
Being cramped up in a small house with other people can put a strain on relationships, because you notice everyone’s annoying traits and don’t have the space to get away from them. You can also run into problems such as other people using your things, leaving their things all over the place, and making noise when you’re trying to concentrate or sleep.
It can help to implement a schedule that allots for a block of quiet time, in which the TV stays off and everyone participates in some kind of quiet activity that won’t disturb others. It can also help to have specific places where each person stores their belongings, and to clean up regularly. Obviously, these are the kinds of procedures that would most likely be implemented by your parents, not you, but you can give them the suggestion. In the meantime, you can help by doing your part with keeping things tidy and being quiet when people are trying to work/study.
If possible, find ways to get out of the house. Participate in extracurricular activities, spend time with friends, go hiking, biking, or walking. Around the house, make sure everyone in the family has somewhere they can go when they need their own space or alone time. Be respectful of other people’s personal space and alone time just as you would want them to be respectful of yours.
Focus on the positive. Living in close quarters can teach you so much and prepare you for so much in the future (college dorm life, anyone?). It can also help draw your family closer together. Play games together. Watch TV together. Just sit around and talk together. You’ll learn important skills and have a lot of good family memories to look back on.
if you don't have a home
All this talk about home, and maybe you don’t have one. Maybe you’re homeless, constantly moving from one place to another, or living in transitional housing. It’s hard to care about things like schoolwork and making friends when your first concern is where you’re going to eat and sleep tonight.
Hold onto your family. They’re going through this with you. Even if you don’t have anything else, you have each other. That’s what matters.
Reach out to a favorite teacher at school. Tell him/her your situation and ask if there’s anything the school can do to help. A lot of schools collect food and clothing for students and their families who are in need. Don’t worry, your name won’t be broadcast all over the school. Usually matters like this are handled privately by only a few school staff members.
Make friends and live life. You might be embarrassed about your situation, but it’s nothing to be ashamed of, and it’s not your fault. Most kids will understand this and will still want to be your friend! If they don’t, then they’re not the kind of person you want to be friends with anyway.
And don’t give up hope. Just because this is your situation right now, doesn’t mean it will always be. You will have a permanent place to live someday. And in the meantime, there’s so much you’re learning. You’ll be in a great position someday to help others who are struggling with homelessness, because you’ve lived it and you know what they’re going through.
Hold onto your family. They’re going through this with you. Even if you don’t have anything else, you have each other. That’s what matters.
Reach out to a favorite teacher at school. Tell him/her your situation and ask if there’s anything the school can do to help. A lot of schools collect food and clothing for students and their families who are in need. Don’t worry, your name won’t be broadcast all over the school. Usually matters like this are handled privately by only a few school staff members.
Make friends and live life. You might be embarrassed about your situation, but it’s nothing to be ashamed of, and it’s not your fault. Most kids will understand this and will still want to be your friend! If they don’t, then they’re not the kind of person you want to be friends with anyway.
And don’t give up hope. Just because this is your situation right now, doesn’t mean it will always be. You will have a permanent place to live someday. And in the meantime, there’s so much you’re learning. You’ll be in a great position someday to help others who are struggling with homelessness, because you’ve lived it and you know what they’re going through.
if you don't have a family
If you’re a foster kid or a ward of the state, you’ve probably had a lot of turbulence in your life, and you might feel like nobody cares about you or that you have no one to reach out to. That’s not true. You might have to work harder to find the people who care, but they are out there.
It can be hard to make friends if you’re always being shifted around and moved to different places. But don’t let that stop you from trying. If you form a strong enough friendship with someone, you can still maintain a good connection with them after you move away.
Your case worker or social worker can also be someone you can reach out to, and if you ask, they can probably get you connected with a support group where you can meet other teens who are going through the same things you’re going through. Additionally, teachers and school counselors are great people to talk to for advice and guidance.
There are many different kinds of foster families out there, and while it’s true that some people foster for the wrong reasons, most people foster because they want to make a positive impact in kids’ lives. Give your foster family a chance. Don’t push them away just because you know it’s not a permanent situation. You can learn valuable life lessons and create beautiful memories with people even if they aren’t in your life for a very long time.
Finally, consider a relationship with God. God is the family who will never leave you. No matter where you go, He is always with you. It might be hard to believe that He loves you, but He really does, and He has great plans in mind for you. You just need to get to know Him to find out what those great plans are.
It can be hard to make friends if you’re always being shifted around and moved to different places. But don’t let that stop you from trying. If you form a strong enough friendship with someone, you can still maintain a good connection with them after you move away.
Your case worker or social worker can also be someone you can reach out to, and if you ask, they can probably get you connected with a support group where you can meet other teens who are going through the same things you’re going through. Additionally, teachers and school counselors are great people to talk to for advice and guidance.
There are many different kinds of foster families out there, and while it’s true that some people foster for the wrong reasons, most people foster because they want to make a positive impact in kids’ lives. Give your foster family a chance. Don’t push them away just because you know it’s not a permanent situation. You can learn valuable life lessons and create beautiful memories with people even if they aren’t in your life for a very long time.
Finally, consider a relationship with God. God is the family who will never leave you. No matter where you go, He is always with you. It might be hard to believe that He loves you, but He really does, and He has great plans in mind for you. You just need to get to know Him to find out what those great plans are.
"Families survive, one way or another. You have a tie, a connection that exists long after death, through many lifetimes."
-Jessica Lange
