Bullying is defined as any repeated action intended to make someone feel bad about him- or herself. Bullying can be physical (hitting, kicking, pushing), oral (snide comments, insults, put-downs, name-calling, backhanded compliments, teasing, threats), gestural (dirty looks, rude hand gestures), electronic (through texts, social media, email, YouTube), or a combination. It can be as subtle as the “friend” who’s always calling you ugly and then saying, “I’m just kidding!” It usually involves the bully wanting to assert power or control over the victim, and the victim usually complies with the bully’s requests so as to avoid being bullied even more. (“Do my homework for me or I’ll post that embarrassing video of you on Instagram.” “Don’t hang out with Katie anymore, or I’ll spread a rumor that you two were caught kissing in the janitor’s closet.” “If you tell a teacher, I’ll make your life hell.”)This usually leads to a vicious cycle in which the victim feels trapped and unable to escape the situation.
tips and advice
if you're being bullied
First of all, stand up for yourself. Bullies look for weak targets, people who shrivel back and believe every word the bully says and do everything the bully asks them to. Look at it this way—if you always do exactly what the bully wants you to do, he’s not going to stop bothering you, because he now has his very own personal servant! If you always hunch down and cry when the bully makes fun of you, she’s not going to stop, because she’s getting the reaction she’s looking for! You need to stand straight and tall and let that bully know that you will do what you want to do, and that you’re proud of who you are.
It’s important to stand up for yourself in a way that isn’t obnoxious. If you start antagonizing a bully—making rude comments back in response to her rude comments, threatening him when he threatens you—it turns into a long, drawn-out battle in which you and the bully are always trying to one-up each other (it can also get you in trouble). But if you simply brush off their comments and assert yourself as someone who won’t crumble to their negativity, most likely they’ll get bored of trying to harass you.
If you've been standing up for yourself for a while and the situation isn't getting any better, tell an adult you trust. Bullies will always tell you not to let anyone know you’re being bullied. Obviously. They want to keep bullying you, and they don’t want to get in trouble. They might threaten you with horrible consequences if you tell anybody. My advice? Tell anyway. Bullying is never okay. Tell your parents. Tell a teacher and/or guidance counselor, if the bullying is happening at school. Tell them exactly what has been happening and how it’s making you feel.
I work in a middle school. I know that sometimes kids’ complaints about bullying aren’t taken seriously. Sometimes teachers just brush it off as “kids will be kids” or encourage the students to try to work it out on their own, or think the victim is overreacting (and I’m not going to lie; I’ve been guilty of this too). That’s why it’s important to keep persisting, to keep bringing the matter up until somebody finally does something about it. Don’t be shy—we’re talking about you feeling comfortable and safe in the place where you have to spend a good six or seven hours of your day. Make it happen!
It’s important to stand up for yourself in a way that isn’t obnoxious. If you start antagonizing a bully—making rude comments back in response to her rude comments, threatening him when he threatens you—it turns into a long, drawn-out battle in which you and the bully are always trying to one-up each other (it can also get you in trouble). But if you simply brush off their comments and assert yourself as someone who won’t crumble to their negativity, most likely they’ll get bored of trying to harass you.
If you've been standing up for yourself for a while and the situation isn't getting any better, tell an adult you trust. Bullies will always tell you not to let anyone know you’re being bullied. Obviously. They want to keep bullying you, and they don’t want to get in trouble. They might threaten you with horrible consequences if you tell anybody. My advice? Tell anyway. Bullying is never okay. Tell your parents. Tell a teacher and/or guidance counselor, if the bullying is happening at school. Tell them exactly what has been happening and how it’s making you feel.
I work in a middle school. I know that sometimes kids’ complaints about bullying aren’t taken seriously. Sometimes teachers just brush it off as “kids will be kids” or encourage the students to try to work it out on their own, or think the victim is overreacting (and I’m not going to lie; I’ve been guilty of this too). That’s why it’s important to keep persisting, to keep bringing the matter up until somebody finally does something about it. Don’t be shy—we’re talking about you feeling comfortable and safe in the place where you have to spend a good six or seven hours of your day. Make it happen!
if someone else is being bullied
This can be a tricky situation, depending on who the bully and the victim are and how you know them. In general, though, my suggestions are similar to if you’re the one being bullied:
Talk to the victim. I’m not saying you have to become best buds, but at least make sure the victim knows you’re on his side. Be kind and supportive, and encourage him to stand up for himself. Remind him that the more he stands up for himself, the less the bully is likely to keep bothering him. Encourage him also to let a trusted adult know what is going on.
Tell an adult you trust. Some victims don’t have the courage to tell what is happening to them. Maybe they’re too scared of what the bully will do in retaliation. It’s up to you to do the right thing and let a trustworthy adult know what is going on.
Stand up for the victim. This won’t solve the problem, but it will let both the bully and the victim know that someone is on the victim’s side. This can both empower the victim and intimidate the bully. If the victim gets mad at you for stepping in, or is embarrassed that someone had to stand up for her, this provides a perfect opportunity for you to encourage her to stand up for herself.
Please don’t just stand by and do nothing if you know someone is being bullied. Victims need to know they are not alone, and bullies need to know that their behavior will not be tolerated.
Talk to the victim. I’m not saying you have to become best buds, but at least make sure the victim knows you’re on his side. Be kind and supportive, and encourage him to stand up for himself. Remind him that the more he stands up for himself, the less the bully is likely to keep bothering him. Encourage him also to let a trusted adult know what is going on.
Tell an adult you trust. Some victims don’t have the courage to tell what is happening to them. Maybe they’re too scared of what the bully will do in retaliation. It’s up to you to do the right thing and let a trustworthy adult know what is going on.
Stand up for the victim. This won’t solve the problem, but it will let both the bully and the victim know that someone is on the victim’s side. This can both empower the victim and intimidate the bully. If the victim gets mad at you for stepping in, or is embarrassed that someone had to stand up for her, this provides a perfect opportunity for you to encourage her to stand up for herself.
Please don’t just stand by and do nothing if you know someone is being bullied. Victims need to know they are not alone, and bullies need to know that their behavior will not be tolerated.
if you are the bully
Nobody likes that big, scary word “bully”. Nobody wants to hear it applied to themselves. But I’m sure that some of you reading this have been bullies before, or maybe are now. I’m not saying this to insult you, nor am I calling you a bad person. I recognize that whoever you are, you have a life, you have a story, you have a reason for acting the way you do.
Maybe you think that by putting others down, you can make yourself feel better. And maybe it really does make you feel better, temporarily. But it’s not a lasting happiness, and it’s not fair to whoever you’re putting down. A better way to feel better about yourself? Write a list of all the things you like about yourself. Don’t be shy—everyone has something they like about themselves. Now think about something you don’t like about yourself, and make a plan about how to change that. If there are a lot of things you don’t like about yourself, don’t be overwhelmed. One thing at a time.
Maybe you get satisfaction by pushing people around or making them do things for you. Maybe you like to control people. While it is okay to enjoy being in charge, it’s not okay to take too much control over other people’s actions. You wouldn’t like living in fear of someone else, would you? You would resent someone if they always made you do things for them, wouldn’t you? Wouldn’t it be so much nicer to have friends rather than to have people who hate you because of how you treat them? If you want to be in charge of people, become the captain of a team or the president of a club. Or start your own club based on something you’re interested in. But don’t be afraid to let other people share their ideas and opinions too—sometimes it’s cool to find a new perspective on something.
Maybe bullied is the way you were raised. Maybe you’ve led a scared, hurting, insecure life and you don’t know how to change it. Maybe name-calling and power struggles and nasty retaliation are the only things you’ve ever known. Think about how it makes you feel. Don’t inflict those feelings on someone else. Talk to a guidance counselor or a trusted teacher. Try to see the good in the people around you. Find an activity you love—a sport, an art, a club—and get active in it. Think about the people in your life who you really like or admire, and analyze the way they treat people. Then try to treat people that way yourself.
Finally, maybe you feel uncomfortable around someone because they are different from you. Maybe you make fun of people for being “weird” because you really don’t know how else to handle them. Here’s a little tip: every single person in the world is different. Everybody has their own sets of experiences that make them who they are. That girl from Somalia? Ask her about her hometown, what kinds of similarities and differences there are between there and here. That boy with an obvious disability? Ask him about his interests, what he likes to do. How about that really nerdy guy who’s always reading encyclopedias? I bet he could teach you some interesting facts. The girl who tried out for cheerleading despite the fact that she has no coordination? Applaud her for her effort; that probably took a lot of courage.
You won’t always see eye to eye with everyone. Someone may have a belief, opinion, or lifestyle that really bothers you. It’s okay to discuss that with them and try to get them to see your point of view. But you have to respect that they might never come to agree with you. And if you harass or make fun of someone for their core principles, you decrease the chance that they will ever even want to see things from your perspective.
Maybe you think that by putting others down, you can make yourself feel better. And maybe it really does make you feel better, temporarily. But it’s not a lasting happiness, and it’s not fair to whoever you’re putting down. A better way to feel better about yourself? Write a list of all the things you like about yourself. Don’t be shy—everyone has something they like about themselves. Now think about something you don’t like about yourself, and make a plan about how to change that. If there are a lot of things you don’t like about yourself, don’t be overwhelmed. One thing at a time.
Maybe you get satisfaction by pushing people around or making them do things for you. Maybe you like to control people. While it is okay to enjoy being in charge, it’s not okay to take too much control over other people’s actions. You wouldn’t like living in fear of someone else, would you? You would resent someone if they always made you do things for them, wouldn’t you? Wouldn’t it be so much nicer to have friends rather than to have people who hate you because of how you treat them? If you want to be in charge of people, become the captain of a team or the president of a club. Or start your own club based on something you’re interested in. But don’t be afraid to let other people share their ideas and opinions too—sometimes it’s cool to find a new perspective on something.
Maybe bullied is the way you were raised. Maybe you’ve led a scared, hurting, insecure life and you don’t know how to change it. Maybe name-calling and power struggles and nasty retaliation are the only things you’ve ever known. Think about how it makes you feel. Don’t inflict those feelings on someone else. Talk to a guidance counselor or a trusted teacher. Try to see the good in the people around you. Find an activity you love—a sport, an art, a club—and get active in it. Think about the people in your life who you really like or admire, and analyze the way they treat people. Then try to treat people that way yourself.
Finally, maybe you feel uncomfortable around someone because they are different from you. Maybe you make fun of people for being “weird” because you really don’t know how else to handle them. Here’s a little tip: every single person in the world is different. Everybody has their own sets of experiences that make them who they are. That girl from Somalia? Ask her about her hometown, what kinds of similarities and differences there are between there and here. That boy with an obvious disability? Ask him about his interests, what he likes to do. How about that really nerdy guy who’s always reading encyclopedias? I bet he could teach you some interesting facts. The girl who tried out for cheerleading despite the fact that she has no coordination? Applaud her for her effort; that probably took a lot of courage.
You won’t always see eye to eye with everyone. Someone may have a belief, opinion, or lifestyle that really bothers you. It’s okay to discuss that with them and try to get them to see your point of view. But you have to respect that they might never come to agree with you. And if you harass or make fun of someone for their core principles, you decrease the chance that they will ever even want to see things from your perspective.
Hardships at Home>>
|
"No one heals himself by wounding another."
- St. Ambrose