tips and advice
dating: asking/accepting a first date
The common practice for twenty-first century Americans who are interested in each other romantically and want to get to know each other better is dating. Dating usually involves spending time together talking and getting to know each other, sometimes in the context of other activities such as eating a meal, taking a walk, or going out somewhere together.
Even though this is the twenty-first century and gender roles are evolving as much as anything else, it is still typical for a guy to ask a girl out on a date, rather than the other way around. It is also typical for the guy to pay for the date.
So. If you’re a guy, and you want to ask a girl out on a first date, I would suggest that you do it privately—not when you’re surrounded by a bunch of people, or hanging out with a group of friends, etcetera. You should also do it in person, rather than over text or social media (If you’re asking someone who you don’t get to actually see very often, a phone call might be the most appropriate).
If you’re a girl, and a guy asks you out on a first date, how should you respond? If you're interested, let him know that it sounds good and that you'll check with your parents to make sure it's okay with them. Try to get this done quickly so you don't leave him hanging! Tips on what to do if you're not interested will be covered in the next section.
Even though this is the twenty-first century and gender roles are evolving as much as anything else, it is still typical for a guy to ask a girl out on a date, rather than the other way around. It is also typical for the guy to pay for the date.
So. If you’re a guy, and you want to ask a girl out on a first date, I would suggest that you do it privately—not when you’re surrounded by a bunch of people, or hanging out with a group of friends, etcetera. You should also do it in person, rather than over text or social media (If you’re asking someone who you don’t get to actually see very often, a phone call might be the most appropriate).
If you’re a girl, and a guy asks you out on a first date, how should you respond? If you're interested, let him know that it sounds good and that you'll check with your parents to make sure it's okay with them. Try to get this done quickly so you don't leave him hanging! Tips on what to do if you're not interested will be covered in the next section.
dating: declining a date
Now, what if someone asks you out on a date and you really don’t want to go? There are a couple different things you could do in this situation, but the most important thing to keep in mind is that his feelings matter too. It probably took him a lot of courage to ask you out, so it would be pretty tactless to slap him with a flat-out “No.” Give the offer some consideration. A first date isn’t a contract. He’s not asking you to marry him, or even to be his girlfriend. He’s just asking if you want to spend a couple hours hanging out with him. Maybe you should give him a chance. Even if he isn’t someone you’re interested in having as a boyfriend, it might be fun just to spend a little bit of time with him. And you might be surprised—maybe you’ll enjoy it more than you thought you would.
But if you're sure he's someone you don't want to go out on a date with, you still need to decline in a nice way. Don’t embarrass him or make him feel stupid for asking you out. Also, don’t lie and say, “I’m busy” if you really aren’t. He’ll probably find another opportunity to ask you out, and if you keep saying you’re busy, he’s eventually going to figure it out. Which would be worse than if you just let him know straight-up that you weren’t interested.
Of course, you may want to accept but have to decline, if your parents have a rule about not dating. If that’s the case, just tell him the truth. There’s nothing shameful about having parents who won’t let you go out with someone. They’re just doing what they think is best for you. And if you let the guy know that you can’t go out with him because you’re not allowed to, he’ll know that you’re not snubbing him.
But if you're sure he's someone you don't want to go out on a date with, you still need to decline in a nice way. Don’t embarrass him or make him feel stupid for asking you out. Also, don’t lie and say, “I’m busy” if you really aren’t. He’ll probably find another opportunity to ask you out, and if you keep saying you’re busy, he’s eventually going to figure it out. Which would be worse than if you just let him know straight-up that you weren’t interested.
Of course, you may want to accept but have to decline, if your parents have a rule about not dating. If that’s the case, just tell him the truth. There’s nothing shameful about having parents who won’t let you go out with someone. They’re just doing what they think is best for you. And if you let the guy know that you can’t go out with him because you’re not allowed to, he’ll know that you’re not snubbing him.
dating: where to go
Don’t stress out about where to go on a date. Dates can take place pretty much anywhere (although some places are more advisable than others). Going out to eat is a common date idea, because you can get to know each other through conversation while eating some good food. But some people may prefer a more active date like bowling, skating, or visiting a museum, where the conversations spring up more organically and the focus is on having fun and making memories. Until you know each other well and feel comfortable together, it is a good idea to date in public places where there are other people around.
dating: how you know the first date should be the last
You probably shouldn’t go out again with someone who does any of the following on your first date:
If the person you’re on a date with does any of those things, try to finish the date on a pleasant note (if possible), but then don’t say yes to a second one. You can find someone better.
Also, remember that it is customary for the GUY to pay for the date (especially for a first date). Unless you’ve already discussed it and decided together that the girl will pay, the guy should be expected to pay. If he doesn’t, that’s another sign that this should probably be your last date together.
- Spends more time looking at his/her phone than at you
- Talks a lot about a previous boyfriend/girlfriend
- Wants to have sex or spend the evening making out
- Asks you for money
- Offers you drugs (including cigarettes or alcohol, if you’re underage)
- Is rude to people around you (or to you!)
- Trash-talks your family or friends
If the person you’re on a date with does any of those things, try to finish the date on a pleasant note (if possible), but then don’t say yes to a second one. You can find someone better.
Also, remember that it is customary for the GUY to pay for the date (especially for a first date). Unless you’ve already discussed it and decided together that the girl will pay, the guy should be expected to pay. If he doesn’t, that’s another sign that this should probably be your last date together.
dating: worst reasons to date someone
There should be ONE reason why you get into a relationship with someone--because you like/love them.
You should NOT date someone in order to…
You are you. Be you. Don’t worry if you’re the only one going to the dance alone. Don’t worry if you’re the only one in your senior class who’s never been on a date. If you present yourself as comfortable with who you are, people will respect you and accept you for who you are.
And one final piece of advice: don’t settle. If you’re going out with someone just so you’re able to say “yes” when someone asks, “Do you have a boyfriend?”, then that’s not fair to you or to him. Nor is it fair to either of you if you’re dating someone just because you think they’re the only person who would ever want to date you. Someday the right person will come along, and you don’t want to be trapped in a relationship with the wrong person when that happens.
You should NOT date someone in order to…
- look cool or popular
- gain social status
- get money/material gifts
- get revenge/make an ex jealous or upset
- have physical experiences such as sex, kissing, etc.
You are you. Be you. Don’t worry if you’re the only one going to the dance alone. Don’t worry if you’re the only one in your senior class who’s never been on a date. If you present yourself as comfortable with who you are, people will respect you and accept you for who you are.
And one final piece of advice: don’t settle. If you’re going out with someone just so you’re able to say “yes” when someone asks, “Do you have a boyfriend?”, then that’s not fair to you or to him. Nor is it fair to either of you if you’re dating someone just because you think they’re the only person who would ever want to date you. Someday the right person will come along, and you don’t want to be trapped in a relationship with the wrong person when that happens.
"Dating is a give and take. If you see it only as 'taking', you are not getting it."
- Henry Cloud
