tips and advice
dating: asking/accepting a first date
The common practice for twenty-first century Americans who are interested in each other romantically and want to get to know each other better is dating. Dating usually involves going out somewhere together, just the two of you, so you can talk, get to know each other, and have some fun. Sometimes people also use the term "dating" to refer to having a steady boyfriend or girlfriend: "I'm dating him," or, "She and I have been dating for almost two years now." However, "dating" can also refer to just going out on one date with a person who is not yet your boyfriend or girlfriend.
Even though this is the twenty-first century and gender roles are evolving as much as anything else, it is still typical for a guy to ask a girl out on a date, rather than the other way around. It is also typical for the guy to pay for the date. Sorry, guys, that’s just the way it is (But if you don’t like the girl enough to want to pay for her meal/admission ticket/whatever else, then you probably shouldn’t be taking her out in the first place).
So. If you’re a guy, and you want to ask a girl out on a first date, I would suggest that you do it privately—not when you’re surrounded by a bunch of people, or hanging out with a group of friends, etcetera. You should also do it in person, rather than over text or social media (If you’re asking someone who you don’t get to actually see very often, I would still suggest a phone call over any source of written communication).
If you’re a girl, and a guy asks you out on a first date, how should you respond? Well, obviously, if you’re interested, you say yes! Of course, you’ll probably have to check with your parents first, so what you’d tell him right away is that you’re interested, that you need to ask your parents, and that you’ll get back to him with what they say as soon as possible. Getting back to him about what your parents decided isn’t necessarily something that needs to be done in person.
Even though this is the twenty-first century and gender roles are evolving as much as anything else, it is still typical for a guy to ask a girl out on a date, rather than the other way around. It is also typical for the guy to pay for the date. Sorry, guys, that’s just the way it is (But if you don’t like the girl enough to want to pay for her meal/admission ticket/whatever else, then you probably shouldn’t be taking her out in the first place).
So. If you’re a guy, and you want to ask a girl out on a first date, I would suggest that you do it privately—not when you’re surrounded by a bunch of people, or hanging out with a group of friends, etcetera. You should also do it in person, rather than over text or social media (If you’re asking someone who you don’t get to actually see very often, I would still suggest a phone call over any source of written communication).
If you’re a girl, and a guy asks you out on a first date, how should you respond? Well, obviously, if you’re interested, you say yes! Of course, you’ll probably have to check with your parents first, so what you’d tell him right away is that you’re interested, that you need to ask your parents, and that you’ll get back to him with what they say as soon as possible. Getting back to him about what your parents decided isn’t necessarily something that needs to be done in person.
dating: declining a date
Now, what if someone asks you out on a date and you really don’t want to go? There are a couple different things you could do in this situation, but the most important thing to keep in mind is that his feelings matter too. It probably took him a lot of courage to ask you out, so it would be pretty tactless to slap him with a flat-out “No.” Give the offer some consideration. A first date isn’t a contract. He’s not asking you to marry him, or even to be his girlfriend. He’s just asking if you want to spend a couple hours hanging out with him. Maybe you should give him a chance. Even if he isn’t someone you’re interested in having as a boyfriend, it might be fun just to spend a little bit of time with him. And you might be surprised—maybe you’ll enjoy it more than you thought you would.
If he’s someone you really, really, really don’t want to go out on a date with, for whatever reason, you still need to decline in a nice way. Don’t embarrass him or make him feel stupid for asking you out. Also, don’t lie and say, “I’m busy that night” if you really aren’t. He’ll probably find another opportunity to ask you out, and if you keep saying you’re busy, he’s eventually going to figure it out. Which would be worse than if you just let him know straight-up that you weren’t interested.
Of course, you may want to accept but have to decline, if your parents have a rule about not dating. If that’s the case, just tell him the truth. There’s nothing shameful about having parents who won’t let you go out with someone. They’re just doing what they think is best for you. And if you let the guy know that you can’t go out with him because you’re not allowed to, he’ll know that you’re not snubbing him.
If he’s someone you really, really, really don’t want to go out on a date with, for whatever reason, you still need to decline in a nice way. Don’t embarrass him or make him feel stupid for asking you out. Also, don’t lie and say, “I’m busy that night” if you really aren’t. He’ll probably find another opportunity to ask you out, and if you keep saying you’re busy, he’s eventually going to figure it out. Which would be worse than if you just let him know straight-up that you weren’t interested.
Of course, you may want to accept but have to decline, if your parents have a rule about not dating. If that’s the case, just tell him the truth. There’s nothing shameful about having parents who won’t let you go out with someone. They’re just doing what they think is best for you. And if you let the guy know that you can’t go out with him because you’re not allowed to, he’ll know that you’re not snubbing him.
dating: where to go
Don’t stress out about where to go on a date. Dates can take place pretty much anywhere (although some places are more advisable than others). Pick something you both like—maybe a restaurant, an ice cream shop or coffee shop, a movie, or an activity such as bowling or going to a museum.
Of course, if you don’t know each other very well yet, you might not know what the other person enjoys. In this case, food is usually a safe bet (unless the person has allergies or other dietary restrictions, in which case they would hopefully let you know). It doesn’t have to be anywhere fancy. Go to Dunkin Donuts or Starbucks. Get some ice cream or fro-yo. Even fast food places these days usually have enough variety on the menu that most people can find something they like.
Important: a first date should ALWAYS take place in a public place—somewhere there are other people around. So should a second and third date, and however many successive dates it takes before you really get to know each other. I’m not saying you shouldn’t trust the person you’re going out with, I’m just advising caution.
Also, a little tip on how long a date should be: probably between one and three hours is a good amount of time. Obviously, if you’ve already been dating for a while and you want to spend an afternoon hiking or something like that, then that’s a different story. But for the first few dates, they shouldn’t exceed a few hours. You don’t want to get sick of each other! That being said, they should be a decent amount of time—a 10 minute date would feel extremely rushed and make your partner wonder whether you actually want to be around them at all.
Of course, if you don’t know each other very well yet, you might not know what the other person enjoys. In this case, food is usually a safe bet (unless the person has allergies or other dietary restrictions, in which case they would hopefully let you know). It doesn’t have to be anywhere fancy. Go to Dunkin Donuts or Starbucks. Get some ice cream or fro-yo. Even fast food places these days usually have enough variety on the menu that most people can find something they like.
Important: a first date should ALWAYS take place in a public place—somewhere there are other people around. So should a second and third date, and however many successive dates it takes before you really get to know each other. I’m not saying you shouldn’t trust the person you’re going out with, I’m just advising caution.
Also, a little tip on how long a date should be: probably between one and three hours is a good amount of time. Obviously, if you’ve already been dating for a while and you want to spend an afternoon hiking or something like that, then that’s a different story. But for the first few dates, they shouldn’t exceed a few hours. You don’t want to get sick of each other! That being said, they should be a decent amount of time—a 10 minute date would feel extremely rushed and make your partner wonder whether you actually want to be around them at all.
dating: how you know the first date should be the last
You probably shouldn’t go out again with someone who does any of the following on your first date with him/her:
If the person you’re on a date with does any of those things, try to finish the date on a pleasant note (if possible), but then don’t say yes to a second one. You can find someone better.
Also, remember that it is customary for the GUY to pay for the date (especially for a first date). Unless you’ve already discussed it and decided together that the girl will pay, the guy should be expected to pay. If he doesn’t, that’s another sign that this should probably be your last date together.
- Spends more time looking at his/her phone than at you
- Talks a lot about a previous boyfriend/girlfriend
- Wants to have sex or spend the evening making out
- Asks you for money
- Offers you drugs (including cigarettes or alcohol, if you’re underage)
- Is rude to people around you (or to you!)
- Trash-talks your family or friends
If the person you’re on a date with does any of those things, try to finish the date on a pleasant note (if possible), but then don’t say yes to a second one. You can find someone better.
Also, remember that it is customary for the GUY to pay for the date (especially for a first date). Unless you’ve already discussed it and decided together that the girl will pay, the guy should be expected to pay. If he doesn’t, that’s another sign that this should probably be your last date together.
dating: worst reasons to date someone
There should be ONE reason why you start dating someone (and by “dating” in this sense I mean being boyfriend-girlfriend, going steady, being “in a relationship”, etc. Not just going out on one or two dates). The only reason you should be dating someone is that you like/love them. Sadly, though, that’s not the case for a lot of couples.
You should NOT date someone in order to…
You are you. Be you. Don’t worry if you’re the only one going to the dance alone. Don’t worry if you’re the only one in your senior class who’s never been on a date. If you present yourself as comfortable with who you are, people will respect you and accept you for who you are.
And one final piece of advice: don’t settle. If you’re going out with someone just so you’re able to say “yes” when someone asks, “Do you have a boyfriend?”, then that’s not fair to you or to him. Nor is it fair to either of you if you’re dating someone just because you think they’re the only person who would ever want to date you. Someday the right person will come along, and you don’t want to be trapped in a relationship with the wrong person when that happens.
You should NOT date someone in order to…
- look cool or popular
- gain social status
- get money/material gifts
- get revenge/make an ex jealous or upset
- have a physical relationship (without the actual relationship piece)
You are you. Be you. Don’t worry if you’re the only one going to the dance alone. Don’t worry if you’re the only one in your senior class who’s never been on a date. If you present yourself as comfortable with who you are, people will respect you and accept you for who you are.
And one final piece of advice: don’t settle. If you’re going out with someone just so you’re able to say “yes” when someone asks, “Do you have a boyfriend?”, then that’s not fair to you or to him. Nor is it fair to either of you if you’re dating someone just because you think they’re the only person who would ever want to date you. Someday the right person will come along, and you don’t want to be trapped in a relationship with the wrong person when that happens.
"Dating is a give and take. If you see it only as 'taking', you are not getting it."
- Henry Cloud
