exclusive author notes - spoiler alert!
On this page, I give away information about how I wrote New Love. This includes sensitive information about the plot as a whole, so if you haven't read the book yet, PLEASE don't scroll any further down this page! Instead, buy the book on Amazon, read it, and then you'll be welcome to explore this page :)
Mason
From the moment I invented Mason as a character in New Chance, I knew Lauren was going to end up fostering and then adopting him. Although most of my characters are either entirely made-up or share traits from multiple people I know, Mason is exclusively based on one particular person. The real-life boy had the same personality and, sadly, a similar story to Mason's, and I never saw him again after he was removed from his dad's custody as a result of reporting abuse to a school guidance counselor.
The relationship Lauren and Mason have in New Chance is very similar to the relationship I had with the real-life boy. I was in no position to foster a child at that point in time, and I don't even know if he ended up going into foster care, but I always prayed that he ended up living with someone who loved him and would treat him right. This particular boy always stood out to me as someone with so many dimensions, someone who could behave so terribly but at the same time have such a good heart, someone who masked his trauma and low self-esteem by being the tough, overconfident class clown who'd rather end up in detention every day than have anyone see his true feelings. I think it gave me comfort that, even though there wasn't anything I could physically do to help him in real life, I could at least give his character the happy ending I wanted for the real boy.
The relationship Lauren and Mason have in New Chance is very similar to the relationship I had with the real-life boy. I was in no position to foster a child at that point in time, and I don't even know if he ended up going into foster care, but I always prayed that he ended up living with someone who loved him and would treat him right. This particular boy always stood out to me as someone with so many dimensions, someone who could behave so terribly but at the same time have such a good heart, someone who masked his trauma and low self-esteem by being the tough, overconfident class clown who'd rather end up in detention every day than have anyone see his true feelings. I think it gave me comfort that, even though there wasn't anything I could physically do to help him in real life, I could at least give his character the happy ending I wanted for the real boy.
click here to read a poem i wrote from the perspective of the real-life Mason
I wrote this poem the day I found out that the real-life Mason had been pulled from his dad's custody due to abuse. The last three lines were written previously, as part of a song idea that I never finished. I think when I was writing this poem I had the idea that I could make it that song, but it ended up just being its own poem instead.
You get me confused
One day it’s a hug and the next day it’s a bruise
And I have some really great memories with you
But I don[‘t understand some of the things you do
I have to be so strong
What did I do wrong?
Every day you build me up just to tear me down
Every day I have to put on this front
Act like I’m not hurt
So I act big and cool for all my friends
And at school I rule the roost
And I try, I really try
But it’s so hard sometimes
Because all I’m feeling is frustration and anger
Toward everyone
And the teachers, they’re nice, they try to help me
But they don’t know me
They don’t know my story
And every day I’m crying out for help
But no one hears me
I can’t cry
Because that’s a sign of weakness
I’m not who you want
And it confuses me
Because sometimes all I see is your smile
When we’re doing something cool together
And other times all I see is your fist or your knife coming at me
You tell me that you love me
Summer vacation is almost here
Everyone’s saying it’s the best time of the year
Miserable screaming is all I’ll ever hear
But hey, I don’t want to be different
I gotta show that I’m okay
So I paste on a fake smile and I masquerade
And cover it all up with my cool guy swagger
Yeah all the kids think I’m the best
Even the kids I can’t stand want to be like me
So I don’t understand what you see that’s wrong with me
There must be something wrong with me
You give me all the things a kid could want
You tell me I’m so lucky
You make me cook you dinner while you’re getting drunk
Then tell me that you love me
You say you’re there for me, that you’ll never leave
And I really wish I could believe
But you shatter me and leave me all alone, oh
There’s no place like home
No place like home
You get me confused
One day it’s a hug and the next day it’s a bruise
And I have some really great memories with you
But I don[‘t understand some of the things you do
I have to be so strong
What did I do wrong?
Every day you build me up just to tear me down
Every day I have to put on this front
Act like I’m not hurt
So I act big and cool for all my friends
And at school I rule the roost
And I try, I really try
But it’s so hard sometimes
Because all I’m feeling is frustration and anger
Toward everyone
And the teachers, they’re nice, they try to help me
But they don’t know me
They don’t know my story
And every day I’m crying out for help
But no one hears me
I can’t cry
Because that’s a sign of weakness
I’m not who you want
And it confuses me
Because sometimes all I see is your smile
When we’re doing something cool together
And other times all I see is your fist or your knife coming at me
You tell me that you love me
Summer vacation is almost here
Everyone’s saying it’s the best time of the year
Miserable screaming is all I’ll ever hear
But hey, I don’t want to be different
I gotta show that I’m okay
So I paste on a fake smile and I masquerade
And cover it all up with my cool guy swagger
Yeah all the kids think I’m the best
Even the kids I can’t stand want to be like me
So I don’t understand what you see that’s wrong with me
There must be something wrong with me
You give me all the things a kid could want
You tell me I’m so lucky
You make me cook you dinner while you’re getting drunk
Then tell me that you love me
You say you’re there for me, that you’ll never leave
And I really wish I could believe
But you shatter me and leave me all alone, oh
There’s no place like home
No place like home
"All The Hidden Pain" - Song about the real-life mason
He goes to school every day
Wearing a mask on his face
He acts out, he misbehaves
And fights until he gets his way
And he won't show you, no
The reason for it all
He won't let you know
That his dad makes him feel small
He'd rather pretend
Everything is how it seems
He'll just tell his friends
That he's living out the dream
That his world has never been crushed
That his heart has never known shame
He feels the need to act so tough
To cover all the hidden pain
He tries really hard not to show
There are some answers he doesn't know
He wants to have all the control
He's never been taught how to cope
But he won't let you see
The reason for it all
He can't seem to break free
So instead he puts up walls
And he just pretends
Everything is how it seems
He just tells his friends
That he's living out the dream
That his world has never been crushed
That his heart has never known shame
He feels the need to act so tough
To cover all the hidden pain
He has a sweet side
He loves to laugh
He can be so kind
And that's not an act
But he will not tell you
So don't even ask
Why he ripped to pieces
A Father's Day craft
He'd rather pretend
Everything is how it seems
He'll just tell his friends
That he's living out the dream
That his world has never been crushed
That his heart has never known shame
He feels the need to act so tough
To cover all the hidden pain
He feels the need to act so tough
To cover all the hidden pain
All the hidden shame
All the hidden blame
Yeah, he just needs to be shown love...
Wearing a mask on his face
He acts out, he misbehaves
And fights until he gets his way
And he won't show you, no
The reason for it all
He won't let you know
That his dad makes him feel small
He'd rather pretend
Everything is how it seems
He'll just tell his friends
That he's living out the dream
That his world has never been crushed
That his heart has never known shame
He feels the need to act so tough
To cover all the hidden pain
He tries really hard not to show
There are some answers he doesn't know
He wants to have all the control
He's never been taught how to cope
But he won't let you see
The reason for it all
He can't seem to break free
So instead he puts up walls
And he just pretends
Everything is how it seems
He just tells his friends
That he's living out the dream
That his world has never been crushed
That his heart has never known shame
He feels the need to act so tough
To cover all the hidden pain
He has a sweet side
He loves to laugh
He can be so kind
And that's not an act
But he will not tell you
So don't even ask
Why he ripped to pieces
A Father's Day craft
He'd rather pretend
Everything is how it seems
He'll just tell his friends
That he's living out the dream
That his world has never been crushed
That his heart has never known shame
He feels the need to act so tough
To cover all the hidden pain
He feels the need to act so tough
To cover all the hidden pain
All the hidden shame
All the hidden blame
Yeah, he just needs to be shown love...
Julie
Julie isn't based on anyone I've known. The real "Mason" didn't have a sister, but I think I wanted book-Mason to have a sibling because in my opinion, siblings are immensely important and it's nice to have someone to go through the hard parts of life with, someone who understands better than anyone else what it's like to have grown up the way you did.
I don't remember much about coming up with the character of Julie. Obviously I knew where things were going by the time I wrote New Chance, which is why I was able to include her as a character there. I think I also wanted to explore the different ways trauma can manifest itself in someone's behavior and personality.
Julie was probably the hardest character for me to write in New Love, mostly because I didn't have anyone to use as a model for how she would act in specific circumstances. I had a basic idea, but not the specifics. Fortunately, I have a friend who spent several years working with teenage girls in a children's home, and she was able to provide a lot of valuable insight about what Julie may be feeling and how she may react to various situations.
I don't remember much about coming up with the character of Julie. Obviously I knew where things were going by the time I wrote New Chance, which is why I was able to include her as a character there. I think I also wanted to explore the different ways trauma can manifest itself in someone's behavior and personality.
Julie was probably the hardest character for me to write in New Love, mostly because I didn't have anyone to use as a model for how she would act in specific circumstances. I had a basic idea, but not the specifics. Fortunately, I have a friend who spent several years working with teenage girls in a children's home, and she was able to provide a lot of valuable insight about what Julie may be feeling and how she may react to various situations.
Notes from Talking to my Friend
- Legal system has to figure out whether goal should be reunification or severing of parental rights. They always try for reunification even if the situation was horrible.
- Honeymoon period, then testing or pushing away because they don’t believe the person will love them
- A journal for communicating?
...I had some other notes from her too, but I wrote them down somewhere else! I'll have to find them.
Bobby and Aleah
The Bobby and Aleah plot for Book 3 remained pretty much the same as it was when I first started plotting the series. I knew from the start that David McDougal was going to be interested in Aleah, and that she would date him for a little while before deciding to be with Bobby. That's why I was able to slide him in as a briefly-mentioned side character in New Life.
Something that made it hard for me to write this plotline was that right around the time I started writing New Love, my youngest brother entered into a relationship with a wonderful girl. I'd written New Chance years before my brother and his girlfriend ever met, but humorously, there were elements of Bobby and Aleah that reminded me of them. It was hard writing about the painful parts of Bobby and Aleah's story, because those were things that I really hoped my brother and his girlfriend would never have to face. Of course, it was nice to finally be able to write the good parts toward the end, and I might've intentionally taken a few real-life inspirations for some of those interactions!
Below are some excerpts from the document I wrote detailing Aleah's life, before I started writing the series.
Something that made it hard for me to write this plotline was that right around the time I started writing New Love, my youngest brother entered into a relationship with a wonderful girl. I'd written New Chance years before my brother and his girlfriend ever met, but humorously, there were elements of Bobby and Aleah that reminded me of them. It was hard writing about the painful parts of Bobby and Aleah's story, because those were things that I really hoped my brother and his girlfriend would never have to face. Of course, it was nice to finally be able to write the good parts toward the end, and I might've intentionally taken a few real-life inspirations for some of those interactions!
Below are some excerpts from the document I wrote detailing Aleah's life, before I started writing the series.
Aleah Dating David
By the start of Aleah’s junior year of college, she had made up her mind. Despite the fact that she liked Bobby, that she enjoyed spending time with him and actually felt comfortable around him, she could never be in a relationship with him. She could tell he liked her that way. She could tell he was willing to believe it was possible, even though it wasn’t. It wasn’t. Because no matter that she had changed, no matter that his family had met her and liked her, his parents were not going to want Bobby dating a girl who already had a five-year-old and a four-year-old. And Bobby deserved better than that anyway. He deserved a sweet young girl like himself, someone who had maybe dated before but had never gone beyond a few tender kisses, someone from the right kind of family with the right kind of life. Someone young and whole. They could start a family together and Bobby would be in it, right from the start.
So when David McDougal from her church started paying attention to her toward the end of August, Aleah returned the interest. Not in the flirty way she had in high school, but in a more casual, mature way. He knew she had kids, and he’d met them several times. She had known him since she’d started New Life—he was the guy who’d been messed up on drugs his freshman year but had straightened out and gotten to know God. His history and her history were similar. He was a better fit for her.
David asked her out in September, out to a nice restaurant. She said yes. As she and Bobby were driving home that day—well, first to pick up the kids, then home—she told him. “Have any plans for the weekend?” she asked.
“Not really, just working mainly. You?”
“Well, not the weekend, but I have a date for Friday night!”
Bobby felt like his insides had turned to lead, and he was sinking. He was driving, so he couldn’t turn and look at her. “A date?” he asked hollowly.
“Yeah. This guy David McDougal, from my church, asked me if I wanted to go to the Outback with him.”
Watching Bobby’s face as she said this was one of the hardest things Aleah had ever done. She knew it was for the best. She had expected him to be maybe a little disappointed, but mostly be happy for her. They were just friends, for crying out loud! Nobody had ever said anything about them being more than friends. They couldn’t be more than friends, anyway. But looking at his face…Aleah suddenly felt like an awful person. It was hurting Bobby more than she’d thought it would.
They didn’t talk much on the way home. They got the kids and the kids talked excitedly about their day on the way home. Aleah and Bobby tried to act normal, but they were both too cut up inside.
Bobby went home and punched his pillow to death. She has a date? What about staying away from guys, huh, Aleah? What about me? I know I’m younger than you, I know I haven’t done any of the stuff you’ve done, but does it matter? Over the last few months, he’d been starting to see it as possible to someday be Aleah’s boyfriend, and maybe one day her husband. He certainly cared about her enough. He cared about her kids. He loved those kids. I could be their dad someday. I know how to take care of kids, I have eighteen younger siblings! And they are great kids…
Aleah had convinced herself she was doing the right thing, but she still felt hollow about it. They had one more carpooling day before the big date. It was awkward. Finally, after school got out but before they went to get the kids, Aleah knew she had to say something.
“Bobby…you’re upset about my date.”
He didn’t deny it. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t look at her.
“Bobby…did you really think…we can’t…it wouldn’t work, Bobby. Between us. We’re too different. You deserve someone young and whole, someone who didn’t mess up her life when she was a teenager. Someday you’ll meet the right girl, Bobby, and you’ll know. She won’t be like me.”
“What about the whole forgiveness thing?” Bobby said, more angrily than she’d ever heard. He gestured toward her left ankle. “You were forgiven, right? God doesn’t see you as messed up. He sees you as whole and clean and new.” They had had several talks over the past few months about God and His love and grace. Always Aleah was talking about it, about how amazing it was that God forgave people even when they didn’t deserve it, just because He was God.
Aleah looked pained. “I know, and I am clean and forgiven, it’s just…we can’t erase the past, Bobby. God has forgiven me for who I was, and what I did, but…it still happened.”
“Lots of stuff happens.”
“Bobby, look around. There are a lot of great girls in the world, girls who have families and pasts and stories like yours. I can even introduce you to some at my church if you want.” She knew it was unlikely that she would ever go through with that. She didn’t think she’d be able to stand it if Bobby started going out with one of her friends.
“Are we going to go pick up Austin and Anna, or what?”
They went and picked them up. Aleah had her date that Friday night. When she told her kids that she was going out with a friend, Anna asked if the friend was Bobby. “No, honey, it’s a different friend. My friend David from church. You know him.”
“I don’t remember him,” said Austin.
“Why not Bobby?” asked Anna.
“Well, I see Bobby a lot already. I’m going to see my other friend tonight.”
Aleah enjoyed her dinner with David, although she found herself comparing him with Bobby. He was nice, and he asked all the right first-date questions—the kind Bobby never would have had to ask, because he already knew the answers. David asked if she wanted to go out again next Friday night, and she said yes.
By mutual agreement, she and Bobby decided to stop carpooling. It was too awkward. Austin and Anna asked why Bobby wasn’t coming anymore, and Aleah fudged a response about how they were just ready for something different. But Austin and Anna missed Bobby. And Aleah did too.
So when David McDougal from her church started paying attention to her toward the end of August, Aleah returned the interest. Not in the flirty way she had in high school, but in a more casual, mature way. He knew she had kids, and he’d met them several times. She had known him since she’d started New Life—he was the guy who’d been messed up on drugs his freshman year but had straightened out and gotten to know God. His history and her history were similar. He was a better fit for her.
David asked her out in September, out to a nice restaurant. She said yes. As she and Bobby were driving home that day—well, first to pick up the kids, then home—she told him. “Have any plans for the weekend?” she asked.
“Not really, just working mainly. You?”
“Well, not the weekend, but I have a date for Friday night!”
Bobby felt like his insides had turned to lead, and he was sinking. He was driving, so he couldn’t turn and look at her. “A date?” he asked hollowly.
“Yeah. This guy David McDougal, from my church, asked me if I wanted to go to the Outback with him.”
Watching Bobby’s face as she said this was one of the hardest things Aleah had ever done. She knew it was for the best. She had expected him to be maybe a little disappointed, but mostly be happy for her. They were just friends, for crying out loud! Nobody had ever said anything about them being more than friends. They couldn’t be more than friends, anyway. But looking at his face…Aleah suddenly felt like an awful person. It was hurting Bobby more than she’d thought it would.
They didn’t talk much on the way home. They got the kids and the kids talked excitedly about their day on the way home. Aleah and Bobby tried to act normal, but they were both too cut up inside.
Bobby went home and punched his pillow to death. She has a date? What about staying away from guys, huh, Aleah? What about me? I know I’m younger than you, I know I haven’t done any of the stuff you’ve done, but does it matter? Over the last few months, he’d been starting to see it as possible to someday be Aleah’s boyfriend, and maybe one day her husband. He certainly cared about her enough. He cared about her kids. He loved those kids. I could be their dad someday. I know how to take care of kids, I have eighteen younger siblings! And they are great kids…
Aleah had convinced herself she was doing the right thing, but she still felt hollow about it. They had one more carpooling day before the big date. It was awkward. Finally, after school got out but before they went to get the kids, Aleah knew she had to say something.
“Bobby…you’re upset about my date.”
He didn’t deny it. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t look at her.
“Bobby…did you really think…we can’t…it wouldn’t work, Bobby. Between us. We’re too different. You deserve someone young and whole, someone who didn’t mess up her life when she was a teenager. Someday you’ll meet the right girl, Bobby, and you’ll know. She won’t be like me.”
“What about the whole forgiveness thing?” Bobby said, more angrily than she’d ever heard. He gestured toward her left ankle. “You were forgiven, right? God doesn’t see you as messed up. He sees you as whole and clean and new.” They had had several talks over the past few months about God and His love and grace. Always Aleah was talking about it, about how amazing it was that God forgave people even when they didn’t deserve it, just because He was God.
Aleah looked pained. “I know, and I am clean and forgiven, it’s just…we can’t erase the past, Bobby. God has forgiven me for who I was, and what I did, but…it still happened.”
“Lots of stuff happens.”
“Bobby, look around. There are a lot of great girls in the world, girls who have families and pasts and stories like yours. I can even introduce you to some at my church if you want.” She knew it was unlikely that she would ever go through with that. She didn’t think she’d be able to stand it if Bobby started going out with one of her friends.
“Are we going to go pick up Austin and Anna, or what?”
They went and picked them up. Aleah had her date that Friday night. When she told her kids that she was going out with a friend, Anna asked if the friend was Bobby. “No, honey, it’s a different friend. My friend David from church. You know him.”
“I don’t remember him,” said Austin.
“Why not Bobby?” asked Anna.
“Well, I see Bobby a lot already. I’m going to see my other friend tonight.”
Aleah enjoyed her dinner with David, although she found herself comparing him with Bobby. He was nice, and he asked all the right first-date questions—the kind Bobby never would have had to ask, because he already knew the answers. David asked if she wanted to go out again next Friday night, and she said yes.
By mutual agreement, she and Bobby decided to stop carpooling. It was too awkward. Austin and Anna asked why Bobby wasn’t coming anymore, and Aleah fudged a response about how they were just ready for something different. But Austin and Anna missed Bobby. And Aleah did too.
The Conversation
Halloween came, and Austin and Anna both wanted to go to Bobby’s house to trick or treat. “He might not be home,” Aleah said. “Maybe he’s out taking some of his brothers and sisters trick or treating. We might see him while we’re walking.”
“Please? Can we at least try his house?” said Austin.
“You could call him,” said Anna.
Trying his house was preferable to calling him, so Aleah reluctantly turned down Bobby’s street.
As it turned out, Bobby wasn’t the one giving out the candy that year. His brother Peter was. Austin asked, “Is Bobby home?”
“He’s upstairs,” said Peter.
“Can you have him come down and see us?” asked Austin. “I want him to see my costume.”
Peter called for Bobby and he came down. “Wow, Austin, that’s a really cool spaceship costume! You look like you’re ready to go to the moon! And Anna, wow, you are the most beautiful princess I’ve ever seen.”
Aleah tried not to notice the way Bobby and her kids interacted so easily with each other. The way David interacted with her kids was different. He saw them at church, and he was always nice to them, but he didn’t make a lot of conversation with them. He saw them as Aleah’s Kids. Bobby saw them as Austin and Anna.
She had been on several dates with David by now, but nothing felt as right or as natural as laughing in the car with Bobby. And she knew that as long as she was thinking about Bobby, she could never be someone else’s girlfriend. It was completely unfair to David for her to be dating him while still having these feelings for Bobby.
“Bobby, why do we never see you anymore?” Anna asked. “You still like us, right?”
“Of course I still like you! How could I not like you?” Bobby replied. “I’ve been really busy with school and work lately. But maybe sometime your mommy could bring you over here and you could play with my sister Olivia again.”
“Yeah!” exclaimed Austin. “That was fun.”
Bobby met Aleah’s eyes over the kids’ heads. “We need to talk,” he said.
They did. Aleah knew Austin and Anna weren’t going to forget about Bobby any time soon. And for that matter, did she really want them to? He was one of the greatest guys she’d ever known, and had never been anything but kind to her children. It wasn’t their fault that adult life and relationships were complicated.
She nodded.
More trick or treaters arrived behind them, and Aleah and her kids turned around. As they were leaving the next house, Aleah felt her pocket vibrate. She took her phone out and there was a text from Bobby: "Can we talk tonight? After trick-or-treating?"
Aleah took a deep breath. She hadn’t expected it to be so soon, but then again, why not so soon? She texted back: “let me get the kids ready for bed first. I’ll meet you at 9:30. Your house?”
Bobby replied: “9:30 right outside your house. I was thinking we could take a walk.”
Aleah replied: “OK.”
Aleah brought the kids home. They had fun looking through all their candy and eating a few pieces of it. Then it was time for a bath and brushed teeth, jammies and a story. Hugs and kisses good night, and then time to meet with Bobby.
Aleah found her parents in the kitchen, listening as Ben told them about the haunted house he’d gone through with Johnny and Michaela and their other friends. “Mom?” she said. “Is it all right if I step out for a bit? I’ll have my phone with me. I’m going to talk with Bobby.”
Georgia Matthews was not blind to the troubles that had been brewing in her daughter’s romantic life lately. “Go ahead. Take your time. I love you.”
Aleah stepped out into the night air at precisely 9:28pm. Bobby was already waiting for her. “Hey,” he said.
“Hey.”
“Walk?” They started walking, side by side, not touching.
They had walked only a little bit when Bobby stopped. “Aleah…I don’t want to do this anymore. This you and me, not talking, not interacting…I want to be your friend again. Even if that’s all we ever are, just friends. I can’t stand…I don’t like not having you in my life.”
Aleah felt the tears coming. “I know. I’ve missed you. But…it’s hard.”
“Why is it hard for you?”
Aleah didn’t want to tell him. She didn’t want to say that she still had feelings for him, that she had ever since they’d first met. It would just encourage him more, and she couldn’t do that to him. Not when it was impossible for them to ever be anything more than friends. But he deserved to know.
“Bobby, I’m just going to say it straight out, we can never be boyfriend and girlfriend. I’m too messed up, you’re from such a great, close-knit family, and I’ve done things that you would never dream of. If you’d known me in high school, you never would have even considered carpooling with me. Someday, I’ll meet the guy that’s right for me, and you’ll meet the girl who’s right for you. But that girl isn’t me.”
Bobby spoke, very quietly. “Is David the right guy for you?”
Aleah took a deep breath. “No.”
“Is he your boyfriend?”
Aleah sighed. “I don’t know. We’ve been on dates, but…I don’t feel a connection with him, really. Not like I feel…” she broke off. She’d been about to say not like I feel with you.
Bobby seemed to sense what she had been about to say anyway. He inhaled and exhaled. “Can I tell you something?”
“Uh-huh.”
“When I first saw you, you know, that first day at the library, I kinda started having a crush on you. That first day. I thought you were really pretty, and then, I don’t know, we were talking, and you were just…easy to talk to. Your personality, it was just…right. So I went home that day all happy because I’d met you, and then those meetings…you know why I was calling them so often? They were only supposed to be a couple times a month. I was calling them twice a week because I wanted to see you.”
The tears were really starting to leak out now. Aleah turned away so Bobby wouldn’t see.
“And then I found out that you had kids. And yes, I was surprised, because you’d never mentioned them before or said anything to lead me to think you would have kids. And yes, I went home that day thinking that nothing could happen between us, ever, because we were just too different and all that stuff you said. But you know what? When you told me your story, when you told me about God forgiving you and all that, and how you’d changed from how you were back then, I was starting to think it could be possible, you know? And now, all this time, carpooling…you’re my best friend, Aleah. I’ve told you things I haven’t told anyone else, and I’m pretty sure you’ve told me stuff you haven’t told anyone else. And this whole time…I’ve always liked you, Aleah. In that way. And forgive me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure at one point in time you liked me.”
Aleah struggled to keep her tears at bay and her voice even. “I do like you,” she whispered. “Ever since that first day…I’m sorry. I’m sorry I never mentioned my kids. I should’ve told you straight off, and then you wouldn’t have been interested and this never would have happened. But I was selfish. I liked you talking with me as if I were any other teenager. I liked pretending I was normal. That’s always been my biggest problem.”
Bobby touched her gently on the shoulder. “Aleah…do you still like me in that way?”
The tears overflowed now and she wiped them with her sleeve. “Yes,” she said, turning to face him. “I always have. That’s why it’s hard to be around you now. Because we can’t…we can’t.”
“You keep saying that,” Bobby was looking right at her. “But you’re wrong. We can. I’m a big boy. I know I’ve never had sex with anyone, I don’t know what it’s like having to raise my own kids, I don’t have to work as much as you do…I know. We’ve had different lives. But there are things you’ve never done that I’ve done, did you ever think of that? Have you ever babysat ten kids at a time before?”
Aleah shook her head.
“Have you ever helped your mom calm down a 3-year-old, a 1-year-old, and an 8-month old in a car during a snowstorm?”
Aleah shook her head again.
“Have you ever driven a motorcycle with a ten-year-old on the back? Or cooked dinner for twenty-eight people?”
Aleah smiled and shook her head.
“Everyone has had different experiences, Aleah. And no, I’m not a parent so I don’t know completely what that’s like. But I have had a lot of experience taking care of younger children. And I love your kids, Aleah. And…I feel like I love you too.” He whispered the last few words.
There was silence before Bobby spoke up again. “We don’t have to be boyfriend and girlfriend. But I’m just letting you know…I’m not going to be anyone else’s boyfriend either.”
Aleah was crying now, and she didn’t care that Bobby could see. She buried her face in his chest and his arms came around her. They stood like that for a long time.
And Aleah knew. She knew that although she wasn’t ready for Bobby to be her boyfriend now, she didn’t want anyone but him.
“Bobby…” she said. “I—I’m not ready. For a serious boyfriend. A couple dates now and then are fine, but…” she didn’t voice what she was still thinking: what if he changed his mind?
“That’s fine,” Bobby said. “We can wait as long as you want to. We can be…engaged to become boyfriend and girlfriend, if you want.”
“Please? Can we at least try his house?” said Austin.
“You could call him,” said Anna.
Trying his house was preferable to calling him, so Aleah reluctantly turned down Bobby’s street.
As it turned out, Bobby wasn’t the one giving out the candy that year. His brother Peter was. Austin asked, “Is Bobby home?”
“He’s upstairs,” said Peter.
“Can you have him come down and see us?” asked Austin. “I want him to see my costume.”
Peter called for Bobby and he came down. “Wow, Austin, that’s a really cool spaceship costume! You look like you’re ready to go to the moon! And Anna, wow, you are the most beautiful princess I’ve ever seen.”
Aleah tried not to notice the way Bobby and her kids interacted so easily with each other. The way David interacted with her kids was different. He saw them at church, and he was always nice to them, but he didn’t make a lot of conversation with them. He saw them as Aleah’s Kids. Bobby saw them as Austin and Anna.
She had been on several dates with David by now, but nothing felt as right or as natural as laughing in the car with Bobby. And she knew that as long as she was thinking about Bobby, she could never be someone else’s girlfriend. It was completely unfair to David for her to be dating him while still having these feelings for Bobby.
“Bobby, why do we never see you anymore?” Anna asked. “You still like us, right?”
“Of course I still like you! How could I not like you?” Bobby replied. “I’ve been really busy with school and work lately. But maybe sometime your mommy could bring you over here and you could play with my sister Olivia again.”
“Yeah!” exclaimed Austin. “That was fun.”
Bobby met Aleah’s eyes over the kids’ heads. “We need to talk,” he said.
They did. Aleah knew Austin and Anna weren’t going to forget about Bobby any time soon. And for that matter, did she really want them to? He was one of the greatest guys she’d ever known, and had never been anything but kind to her children. It wasn’t their fault that adult life and relationships were complicated.
She nodded.
More trick or treaters arrived behind them, and Aleah and her kids turned around. As they were leaving the next house, Aleah felt her pocket vibrate. She took her phone out and there was a text from Bobby: "Can we talk tonight? After trick-or-treating?"
Aleah took a deep breath. She hadn’t expected it to be so soon, but then again, why not so soon? She texted back: “let me get the kids ready for bed first. I’ll meet you at 9:30. Your house?”
Bobby replied: “9:30 right outside your house. I was thinking we could take a walk.”
Aleah replied: “OK.”
Aleah brought the kids home. They had fun looking through all their candy and eating a few pieces of it. Then it was time for a bath and brushed teeth, jammies and a story. Hugs and kisses good night, and then time to meet with Bobby.
Aleah found her parents in the kitchen, listening as Ben told them about the haunted house he’d gone through with Johnny and Michaela and their other friends. “Mom?” she said. “Is it all right if I step out for a bit? I’ll have my phone with me. I’m going to talk with Bobby.”
Georgia Matthews was not blind to the troubles that had been brewing in her daughter’s romantic life lately. “Go ahead. Take your time. I love you.”
Aleah stepped out into the night air at precisely 9:28pm. Bobby was already waiting for her. “Hey,” he said.
“Hey.”
“Walk?” They started walking, side by side, not touching.
They had walked only a little bit when Bobby stopped. “Aleah…I don’t want to do this anymore. This you and me, not talking, not interacting…I want to be your friend again. Even if that’s all we ever are, just friends. I can’t stand…I don’t like not having you in my life.”
Aleah felt the tears coming. “I know. I’ve missed you. But…it’s hard.”
“Why is it hard for you?”
Aleah didn’t want to tell him. She didn’t want to say that she still had feelings for him, that she had ever since they’d first met. It would just encourage him more, and she couldn’t do that to him. Not when it was impossible for them to ever be anything more than friends. But he deserved to know.
“Bobby, I’m just going to say it straight out, we can never be boyfriend and girlfriend. I’m too messed up, you’re from such a great, close-knit family, and I’ve done things that you would never dream of. If you’d known me in high school, you never would have even considered carpooling with me. Someday, I’ll meet the guy that’s right for me, and you’ll meet the girl who’s right for you. But that girl isn’t me.”
Bobby spoke, very quietly. “Is David the right guy for you?”
Aleah took a deep breath. “No.”
“Is he your boyfriend?”
Aleah sighed. “I don’t know. We’ve been on dates, but…I don’t feel a connection with him, really. Not like I feel…” she broke off. She’d been about to say not like I feel with you.
Bobby seemed to sense what she had been about to say anyway. He inhaled and exhaled. “Can I tell you something?”
“Uh-huh.”
“When I first saw you, you know, that first day at the library, I kinda started having a crush on you. That first day. I thought you were really pretty, and then, I don’t know, we were talking, and you were just…easy to talk to. Your personality, it was just…right. So I went home that day all happy because I’d met you, and then those meetings…you know why I was calling them so often? They were only supposed to be a couple times a month. I was calling them twice a week because I wanted to see you.”
The tears were really starting to leak out now. Aleah turned away so Bobby wouldn’t see.
“And then I found out that you had kids. And yes, I was surprised, because you’d never mentioned them before or said anything to lead me to think you would have kids. And yes, I went home that day thinking that nothing could happen between us, ever, because we were just too different and all that stuff you said. But you know what? When you told me your story, when you told me about God forgiving you and all that, and how you’d changed from how you were back then, I was starting to think it could be possible, you know? And now, all this time, carpooling…you’re my best friend, Aleah. I’ve told you things I haven’t told anyone else, and I’m pretty sure you’ve told me stuff you haven’t told anyone else. And this whole time…I’ve always liked you, Aleah. In that way. And forgive me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure at one point in time you liked me.”
Aleah struggled to keep her tears at bay and her voice even. “I do like you,” she whispered. “Ever since that first day…I’m sorry. I’m sorry I never mentioned my kids. I should’ve told you straight off, and then you wouldn’t have been interested and this never would have happened. But I was selfish. I liked you talking with me as if I were any other teenager. I liked pretending I was normal. That’s always been my biggest problem.”
Bobby touched her gently on the shoulder. “Aleah…do you still like me in that way?”
The tears overflowed now and she wiped them with her sleeve. “Yes,” she said, turning to face him. “I always have. That’s why it’s hard to be around you now. Because we can’t…we can’t.”
“You keep saying that,” Bobby was looking right at her. “But you’re wrong. We can. I’m a big boy. I know I’ve never had sex with anyone, I don’t know what it’s like having to raise my own kids, I don’t have to work as much as you do…I know. We’ve had different lives. But there are things you’ve never done that I’ve done, did you ever think of that? Have you ever babysat ten kids at a time before?”
Aleah shook her head.
“Have you ever helped your mom calm down a 3-year-old, a 1-year-old, and an 8-month old in a car during a snowstorm?”
Aleah shook her head again.
“Have you ever driven a motorcycle with a ten-year-old on the back? Or cooked dinner for twenty-eight people?”
Aleah smiled and shook her head.
“Everyone has had different experiences, Aleah. And no, I’m not a parent so I don’t know completely what that’s like. But I have had a lot of experience taking care of younger children. And I love your kids, Aleah. And…I feel like I love you too.” He whispered the last few words.
There was silence before Bobby spoke up again. “We don’t have to be boyfriend and girlfriend. But I’m just letting you know…I’m not going to be anyone else’s boyfriend either.”
Aleah was crying now, and she didn’t care that Bobby could see. She buried her face in his chest and his arms came around her. They stood like that for a long time.
And Aleah knew. She knew that although she wasn’t ready for Bobby to be her boyfriend now, she didn’t want anyone but him.
“Bobby…” she said. “I—I’m not ready. For a serious boyfriend. A couple dates now and then are fine, but…” she didn’t voice what she was still thinking: what if he changed his mind?
“That’s fine,” Bobby said. “We can wait as long as you want to. We can be…engaged to become boyfriend and girlfriend, if you want.”
The Writing Process
If I'm being perfectly honest, I did not enjoy writing this book. I was on a time crunch, and I mandated to myself that I needed to write for at least 2 hours every day AND write at least 2,000 words every day. If I accomplished one without accomplishing the other, I had to keep going.
I was so happy with both New Life and New Chance. They were the kind of books that I enjoyed re-reading, and that got a lot of positive feedback from other people. I think one of my hang-ups with New Love was worrying that it wouldn't be as good as the other two. Also, I've never fostered a child or been a foster child before, so the Lauren/Julie/Mason plotline was challenging to write because I didn't know a whole lot about what that situation would look like.
Pretty much the whole time I was writing New Love, I felt like it was a disjointed mess and would take forever to edit. I remembered having similar thoughts about New Chance, but I kept telling myself, "No, I just thought that one was bad. This one is actually bad." The book was feeling excessively long, and I still had so many parts left to write. At one point, I wrote a list of all the scenes I still had to write, and rather than writing the book in order, each day I would choose a scene to focus on. Once all the scenes were written, I figured out what order they should go in and stitched them together.
Below is part of the writing log I used to keep myself accountable:
I was so happy with both New Life and New Chance. They were the kind of books that I enjoyed re-reading, and that got a lot of positive feedback from other people. I think one of my hang-ups with New Love was worrying that it wouldn't be as good as the other two. Also, I've never fostered a child or been a foster child before, so the Lauren/Julie/Mason plotline was challenging to write because I didn't know a whole lot about what that situation would look like.
Pretty much the whole time I was writing New Love, I felt like it was a disjointed mess and would take forever to edit. I remembered having similar thoughts about New Chance, but I kept telling myself, "No, I just thought that one was bad. This one is actually bad." The book was feeling excessively long, and I still had so many parts left to write. At one point, I wrote a list of all the scenes I still had to write, and rather than writing the book in order, each day I would choose a scene to focus on. Once all the scenes were written, I figured out what order they should go in and stitched them together.
Below is part of the writing log I used to keep myself accountable:
Then I did what I always do with this series: I painstakingly removed at least 100 words from each Microsoft Word 8.5x11 page. This process is tedious; it sometimes requires reading the same page five or six times, combing it for unnecessary words. But it's worth it, because the final product is so much more streamline. As I was removing words, I found that I was actually interested in the story, and it was nowhere near as bad as I'd thought it would be. By the time I reached the end, I was like, "I love this book!"
Here's something funny: I'd thought that the first draft of New Love was the longest of any of my first drafts, and that it would need the most revisions. However, the first draft of New Love was about 132,000 words, while the first draft of New Chance was somehow 153,000! Now I remember splicing and moving chapters of New Chance, making significant edits far beyond what I ended up doing to New Love. Both novels ended up around 110,000 words in their published format.
Here's something funny: I'd thought that the first draft of New Love was the longest of any of my first drafts, and that it would need the most revisions. However, the first draft of New Love was about 132,000 words, while the first draft of New Chance was somehow 153,000! Now I remember splicing and moving chapters of New Chance, making significant edits far beyond what I ended up doing to New Love. Both novels ended up around 110,000 words in their published format.
My original (started) chapter plots
- Julie remembering her mom, she and Mason are about to move in with this lady who worked at her old school, that’s so weird, she doesn’t get why Mason even wanted this in the first place, it’s going to be awful. But at least they’re not with… no, don’t think about that. MID-JANUARY
- Aleah and kids in the car with Bobby, some development of how things are now, and then they drop Bobby off and kids ask if he is their dad MID-JANUARY – FIRST DAY OF CLASSES
- Lauren’s POV, preparing to have the kids move in with her. a little nervous because she has seen them in action at school… hopefully they’ll be better here, right? and this is what God wants for her. She knows it. on how she got certified as a foster parent and Mason’s call and all that. End of chapter they arrive and start getting settled in and she just knows it’ll all be so good. MID-JANUARY—SAME DAY AS CHAPTER 1
- Aleah getting ready to do the girls group thingy. First meeting. She and Rebecca are doing it together. A few girls show up and they have a small get to know you thing. maybe some problems. not going too well at first. Discouragement. Should I even continue. The meeting is at church and in passing David McDougal walks by. Not much attention drawn to him. A FEW DAYS AFTER CHAPTER 2. STILL JANUARY
- Lauren. Kids have been here a few days. Things seem pretty good. Mason is so sweet! See, when he’s not with all the other kids he’s perfect. Julie is distant but things seem to be going okay there too. This foster parent thing is actually easy. JANUARY
- Bobby’s POV with Aleah and the kids. Driving home and maybe they stop and do something fun on the way. Bobby loves these kids like they’re his own. He loves Aleah too, but he can’t tell her that. That’s not what she wants. He has to keep quiet. Maybe someday she will change her mind? Ugh, but I can’t get my hopes up about that. She only wants to be friends. I’ll be her friend. But…. This is hard. JANUARY
- Julie. Wow. This place sucks. Living with this teacher sucks. Everything sucks. She used to self harm but now she’s just numb. Julie smokes weed, drinks alcohol, and has thought about committing suicide before but won’t. she won’t do that to Mason. She also won’t take harder drugs because she knows that’s asking for disaster. But she really needs something right now and she needs money. She should steal from Lauren. FEBRUARY
- David and Aleah at church. They catch up. David asks what were you doing last time I saw you here? Aleah says about the girls counseling thing. David thinks that’s a great idea and wants to start one for boys. Aleah agrees that’s awesome! FEBRUARY
- Lauren. The first cracks in the perfect situation. Mason gets mad at her and has an explosion. Lauren feels awful because he’s never exploded at her before. She was always the safe one who would help him calm down. She should be less strict. The last thing he needs is someone who will make him explode. But no, the foster lady warned her about this… ugh, this is harder than she thought, being the authority figure. FEBRUARY
- Aleah’s girl group again. Things go a bit smoother this time. Involve Rebecca a lot. FEBRUARY
- Julie steals money from Lauren and buys some weed. Also is out well past curfew with no contact or anything. Lauren is upset when she gets home but Julie blows her off and doesn’t care. Julie is also jealous of how close Mason and Lauren are. FEBRUARY
- Bobby. Okay I should say something. It’s been over a year, it would be okay, right? OOOH! Or maybe one of the kids says “I wish you were my daddy”. He will say something next time he and Aleah are together. FEBRUARY
- Aleah’s POV where Bobby says something again about wanting to go out with her or about how they should date. Aleah is freaking out inside and her heart is breaking because she wants that so badly, but she doesn’t think it’s the right thing for him. So she tells him no. FEBRUARY
- Lauren POV. She tries to address the problems with Julie but Julie is really disrespectful and leaves. FEBRUARY
Real-Life inspirations
A lot of smaller aspects of this book were inspired by real-life people, conversations, and perspectives. Although Brooke herself is not based on anyone I know, her reason for not wanting to believe in God is the exact reason I heard from someone I know. The conversation Rebecca and Brooke have about weed, in which Rebecca states that Jesus is the only true solution to life's struggles, was directly taken from a conversation between two of my family members. And Rebecca's decision to get baptized in a freezing river was inspired by one of those same family members.
I like incorporating small tidbits from real life into my books, because they reflect people's real feelings and situations.
I like incorporating small tidbits from real life into my books, because they reflect people's real feelings and situations.
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